摘要：最近在找实习的工作，在msn上看到一篇不错的文章，翻译来和大家分享一下。
黑色的字是原文内容，蓝色的字是我的翻译，红色的字是我的点评。
翻译时候没有采用直译，另外，我的点评难免片面，望大家指正。
Résumés From Hell... and 10 Lessons They Teach Us
来自地狱的简历...还有它们带来的十个课程 (够吓人的)
By Laura Morsch, CareerBuilder.com writer (版权归原作者所有)
In their years as recruiters, Jon Reed and Rachel Meyers saw plenty of résumés pass across their desks. Plenty were good... but some raised some eyebrows. Reed and Meyers kept track of some of the more bizarre entries and compiled them in their funny new book, "Résumés from Hell" (eCruiting Alternatives, Inc.).
在Jon Reed 同学和Rachel Meyers 同学做人力资源部的头儿的时候，他们看过了相当多的简历。大多数是很不错的，但是另外一些真的让人皱眉头。两位同学然后就一直搜集并记录着这些诡异的简历，并把他们写在了他们的新书"来自地狱的简历"中。(牛人就是不一样，做的事儿都和平常人不一样。)
As Reed and Meyers point out, the mistakes these job seekers made give us valuable how-not-to's for our own job searches. These are some example entries from their book, and some useful lessons for the rest of us.
正如两位同学指出的那样，这些求职者们犯下的错误对我们自己的求职经历真的是一笔不小的财富。下面就是书中的一些要点，还有他们给我们上的课： (好戏终于要开始了)
Lesson one: Keep all of the information on your résumé relevant.
第一课：别让你的简历中的信息前后不搭调
What not to do:
别这么写：
"When I'm not programming, I perform magic. I like solar applications, optical stuff, cool technology and anything to do with radio waves. I juggle and twist balloon animals. I bungee jump on occasion, and I would like to experience skydiving soon."
“我不写程序的时候，喜欢变魔术。我喜欢与太阳有关的应用程序，光学的东西，牛X的技术还有与无线电相关的所有东西。我会用气球变出动物来。我有时候去蹦极，最近我还想试试跳伞。” (我靠，没事儿找抽型)
"I am attending college to obtain two degrees and three certificates in the field of Computer Science. In my spare time I like to work on my computer and do various activities with my girlfriend."
“我上大学是为了在计算机科学领域拿两个学位和三个证书。没事儿干的时候我喜欢搬弄我的电脑还有和我女朋友做一些‘活动’。” (限制级？)
Lesson two: Be specific with your qualifications, but too much information can work against you.
第二课：明确你的资质，太多的信息会对你很不利 (就是弄明白自己几斤几两，愤青是要付出代价的)
What not to do:
别这么写：
"Since the project was coming to a close and it was obvious I was leaving anyway, after the last bugs were fixed, I was fired, and my credits in the game were all but removed to make it more difficult to get a job with a competitor. It's a given that Mike Stevenson, my old boss, has been calling up everyone in the industry spreading God only knows what types of hideous rumors about me, to scare off any competitors from hiring me."
“项目要结束了，我也要开路了。在修复好最后的几个bug之后，我被开了。我所有的一切都没有了。我再找工作变得十分困难。肯定是我的上一个老板，Mike Stevenson同学在业界内给我散布关于我的谣言，让别的公司都不敢再雇用我。” (大哥，您这么说，谁还敢雇你啊？)
Lesson three: Keep everything on your résumé positive.
第三课：让你的简历看上去阳光一点儿 (别死气沉沉的，想在写遗嘱)
What not to do:
别这么写：
"Please Remember dear Sir/Madam, that I have failed in a few subjects in my diploma in computer engineering, and that I have no degree..."
“亲爱的先生/女士请记住，我现在还挂着好几科，还没有拿到学位...” (学位都还没拿到，出来混个P啊)
Lesson four: Take the time to find legitimate, glowing references.
第四课：花时间找点儿有实际意义的见证人 (就是，嗯，您那见证人别瞎掰)
What not to do:
别这么写：
"Dr. Frank C. Peterson had a Ph.D. in both Physics and Mathematics, and was a fantastic person to work and play with (I suspect our play would be called work by others, but we enjoyed our work so well that when we did things for Science, for which we were not paid, we called it play and it really was for us.) I only wish he was still with us (RIP).
“Frank C. Peterson 博士是物理学和数学的双料博士。是一个能在一起工作和游戏的大好人。(我说的游戏是指，某些程度上别人说的工作。在我们为科学而献身的时候我们很喜欢我们的工作，即使没有薪水，我们也感觉像在做游戏一样。)我真希望他现在还能和我们一起工作” (这是在给自己找工作吗？您的精神也太崇高了吧？)
"If you call my previous employer, they'll tell you that my technologies were also used in Bone Crunch Football and Master Blastoff (hook up your Caller ID blocker before calling this reference, these people are slime)."
"如果你打电话给我的前任雇主，他们会告诉你我的技术是如何被用在Bone Crunch Football和Master Blastoff当中的( 打电话之前想办法别让他们知道你是谁，那些人特讨厌。)" (我无语)
Lesson five: Don't be too quick with that send button. Double-check the address, subject line and tagline before you submit any message.
第五课：别太快按下发送按钮，提交你的邮件之前，检查两遍邮件地址，邮件主题和tagline。 (我不知道这个tagline是什么东西)
What not to do:
别这么做：
"Keep me posted on which headhunters you deal with. I am currently tied into 50-70 placement agencies, none of which are aware of the others."
“把我的简历发给和你们打交道的猎头公司。我现在签了50-70家的中介公司，他们之间都不管不顾的” (这句话我看得不是很明白，随便译了一下)
Hi Jon -- it's been a while since we talked. I ended up over at Johnson and Johnson in a full-time position. I saw a position in this week's newsletter that I'm interested in. It may be a stretch, but I thought I'd drop you a line with my résumé and see what you think. Hope all is well.
Gdog G Gdog.
嗨Jon -- 咱俩老没见了吧？我最后还是去了Johnson and Johnson做了份全职。我在这礼拜的邮件里看到了个我感兴趣的职业。可能得花点儿时间，但是我想发给你我的简历看看你怎么想。希望一切都好。 Gdog G Gdog
(看看人家这工作找得，玩儿似的)
Lesson six: Confidence is great, but there is such a thing as too much self-promotion.
第六课：自信是不错的，但是有个词叫装B
What not to do:
别这么写：
"My objective is simple: I want your job. I don't mean the one I'm applying for, but your job. I'm a communications major with a minor in creative writing at a California school. I still have two semesters to go, but I know more than some of my teachers. Once I hit the real world, though, you're gonna hear from me."
“我的目标很明确：我要你们的工作。我不是指申请的那个，而是指'你们的'工作。我在加利福尼亚大学读通讯，并且辅修创造写作。我还有两个学期才毕业，但是我比我的任何一个老师都清楚，一旦我走进这个真实的世界，你们会对我刮目相看的。” (暴汗……如果不是精神病院的病人招聘，我劝大家别试这招)
Lesson seven: Proofread!
第七课：校对
What not to do:
别这么做：
"When I saw your ad in the paper, my eyeballs literally fell out!"
“我看到你们刊登在报纸上的广告的时候，我的眼珠子都掉出来了” (大部分公司是不招视力障碍人士的)
"I am looking for a company that is driven to excellent."
“我在找一家被迫做到杰出的公司” (恐怕很难)
Lesson eight: Adding fluff to expand your résumé diminishes your credibility.
第八课：在你的简历里面加上无关紧要的东西会减弱你的可靠性
What not to do:
别这么做：
"Arranging chairs and tables for various school occasions, washing dishes, putting dishes and silverware into the dishwasher cycle, removing leftovers from trays, changing trash, wiping the tray belt line."
“在学校活动中负责摆桌椅，洗碗，把餐具放到洗碗机里面。擦桌子，换垃圾袋……” (摆脱，人家如果不是找小时工的话，您还是省省笔墨吧)
"Telepresence: Voice messaging, fax mailbox, direct phone to my desk."
(这个不太会翻，不过我觉着和上面那个差不多)
Lesson nine: Unless you're applying for a few very specific jobs, politics, religion and other loaded subjects have no place on a résumé.
第九课：除非你是在申请一个非常特殊的职业，否则就最好别在简历里面提及政治，宗教等等一些会产生争议的话题。
What not to do:
别这么做：
"Though the right opportunity might not be available for several months, I'm willing to wait for the right situation. I'm 42, have a wonderful wife and two sons, and love Jesus Christ with all my heart."
“尽管最佳时机可能几个月都不会到来，但我仍然愿意等待。我42岁，有一个含不错的老婆还有两个孩子，我全心全意地爱着我主耶稣。” (呃……为了避免争端，我也少说为妙)
Lesson 10: Badmouthing former bosses or colleagues will get you nowhere with recruiters or potential employers.
第十课：别说你过去老板和同事的坏话
What not to do:
别这么做：
"In the management arena, I have originated and developed marketing leads. I have written winning proposals for federal and commercial contracts -- I later negotiated and balanced their budgets and schedules. I am an extrovert, and because of my exceptional ability to express myself, I have even delivered client presentations for projects other than my own to help my less gifted teammates."
“在管理的竞争中，我确立并巩固了市场的领先地位。我为联盟和商业合同写过成功的提案 -- 随后我和他们谈判并且平衡了他们的预算了日程安排。我比较外向，因为我特殊的表达自己的能力，我甚至帮助过那些不如我这么有天赋的同事们为客户做报告。” (又是一个找抽的)
