a stone seal

A stone seal I seemed to have fallen into the habit of opening my diary to the page covered with two Chinese characters, meaning a perfect gem. In fact, it was the name of a boy, at one time my beloved boy. Two years ago, on a sunny morning, I met him by chance and by destiny. It's a big get-together on the grassland near a lake, where there were friends of mine, his and both of ours. I am used to being taciturn in a crowd, with no expectation to the party on that shiny day. He was the attention-catcher with his motor mouth. Gusts of laughter filled the air with a kind of ease and relaxation. My eyes followed him, feeling the harmony between him and the sunshine. He was able to fill in on almost any topics you bring forward. I could tell that he liked reading and thinking. He had a mature mind under his naive appearance. A reserved girl as I am, I found no room for him and me alone during the party except a polite “hello” when introduced to him by others. Much to my surprise, he proposed to accompany me back to my dorm after the party. My heart palpitated at his request. With a nod, he, the prince in my heart, became my escort. The following days saw our close contacts with each other through phone, e-mail, cinema and park etc. He said I was not the one of his kind, and that was charming to him. We were friends for four months. We used to talk for half an hour every morning and meet each other every other day. He’s always able to make me laugh all the time with his quick wits. When walking down the main street of our little city, he would stop suddenly for feeling my uneasy frowning and blow the sand sticking in my eyes gently. He was a considerate boy, caring about my life and my health more than any one else in this city. I was a jolly dog in those days with his humorous stories, tender care and something I couldn’t tell even now. There were occasional ambiguous inklings about love from him, but I always let them go in one ear and out the other. Then the day came when we finished a romantic film named “beautiful new world”. Every time we went dutch on my request. This time the dinner was on my account. I chose a restaurant near my dorm featured by Sichuan Cuisine, one reason being to avoid his detouring when going back home, the other being that I found the juicy fried eggplant there just to his taste. He seemed to be not quite at home during the meal. I could feel something was happening. But I don’t want the situation to be changed right at that moment. We talked about the film and commented on the ups and downs of life. Then he stuttered, as if the motor was broken, “Since life is full of vicissitude, would you please be the one to share the happiness and pains in my life with me?” With this word, his hand with a cup of tea trembled greatly so that some water splashed on the table. Although everything was in my expectation, I still felt all at loss for words. I told him a story about a broken romance. “A kind guy and a kind girl thought they had fallen in love with each other. Then one day the girl found there could only be pure friendship between them. She proposed to part with the boy, just to shock the boy stumb-founded on the spot. The boy persevered in the passed love and couldn’t be helped out.” He broke off me and asked, “Are you implying us?” “Yeah... But would you please give me another two months to decide the answer for your question?” He smiled and I took it for acquiescence. I never expected that the day drew a line between us once and for all. I received few greetings from him during the following weeks. I was busy with my work those days and found no time to think carefully about our relationship. But there’s one thing I felt for sure, i.e. I didn’t want to lose him. I looked forward to the end of the two months to tell him that I would accept his love and operate our love heart and soul with him for life. On a trip to Yunnan, a southwestern province of China, I found a unique-formed brown jade in a little art works shop, standing out among other stones, confident and graceful. It reminded me of nobody but him. I decided at once that it’s the one for him. So I asked the craftsman to carve his name on it and bought the stone seal for him. My busy work deprived me of the right to travel to Xi'an with him and the opportunity to present the jade to him. He went there alone. I wished for his invitation for me to dinner when he came back, but with no news from him at all. He seemed to disappear from this world. I, an introvert girl, began to wonder whether his love for me had survived the test of time or not. I locked the stone seal in the drawer deeply, but I couldn’t lock my love for him. I waited, waited and waited till I couldn’t bear the obscure state any longer. I needed an answer, whether confirmative or negative, to blow off the clouds in my mind and liberate my confused heart. Everything had to be settled before the advent of the next century! Just before the eve of 2000 New Year’s Day, I invited him to a little bar we used often to visit over weekends. Ordering a large glass of black beer tasting of chocolate, I began to talk turkey to him. Again in my expectation, he gave the answer against my will. He said he took it for granted that I had rejected him four months ago. I explained that it was a misunderstanding. But I explained in vain. He would rather let a misunderstanding break off the harmony and the affinity between us! My heart sank at his words. It turned out that I was asking for the moon all the time. I had expected to save our love by clearing up all doubts. But then even a fool could tell that his love for me had gone with the wind long time ago. I found the stone seal sound asleep in my drawer when packing luggage to go back to my hometown. A blast of painful and sour sentiments stung me on the heart. Tears gathered in my eyes, with the jade turning more and more blurred. I blew it warmer and sealed his name on the white paper. What beautiful characters! But the owner of the name had nothing to do with me any more. I asked a close friend to forward this little stone to him, as it’s his, no matter who he might be. I often look back to the early days we met. It was the time of my life, with no quarrel, no dissonance and no quarrel, but all happiness and tranquility. I often think about the meteoric love. Who is to be responsible for its abortion? He, me... or Act of God?

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