“God cannot be everywhere, so He sends us mothers to care for us.”
Another year went away with the wave of spring, and now, half of a year is spent, with summer smiling down. I cannot help but notice how time flies, how fifteen of my life has passed by, how my mother has dedicated fifteen years of her life to me, my father, and the family we constructed.
How many years can a woman live? Seventy? Eighty? I never give much thought to how much time my mum has left to spend on this planet, like I will always think she will be there, to clean up the mess I made, to do the laundry, to worry about all the little things a woman worries about.
Then one day, I realized that life is a circle. It starts with the birth, ends with death. No matter what, my mother is going to die one day, and I, don’t know which day that will be. It could be tomorrow, it could months after, or it could be years before she draws her last breath. Then with shock, I discovered that in the fifteen years I have spent on earth, I didn’t express enough of my love to my mother.
I guess I always take mother for granted. She is there when I have trouble doing homework, she is there when I am unhappy, she is there when I have tears in my eyes, she is there when I want someone to do something for me. She is always there, like a shadow.
Tell you the truth: sometimes I really want to strangle her. She is my conscience when I want to forget; she is the right when I want to be wrong; she is the rule when I want to be wild… She is right, most of the time, and I hate her for it. Sometimes I thought to myself, “Why can’t she just shut up and let me be?”
As much as I hate her, I love her more. I may tell you that I hate my mother, but deep down in my heart, I always know that I don’t really hate her, and that my love for her is like the ever-flowing river. Even when she keeps on reminding me about college and the importance of grades when all I want to do is forget about reality, I love her. Because I know that though what she says may sound boring and irritating, she says those things because she truly cares for me, that she loves me.
As I grow older, the gap between mother and I becomes wider. Is it because of the age gap and the different viewpoints of young and old that separates my mother and I, or is it because of the stress and secrets we keep from one another? We used to be so close to each other, like friends instead of the formally relationship of mother and daughter. I used to tell mother every single thing that happened in my life. So what changed that? What has changed the friendship between us? I can still see the bond from time to time, when both of us are enjoying life and not on edge, but it is so rare. Now, everyday mother will remind me of my studies and test scores. Now whenever I tried to tell her what went on in school, she would brush it aside like it is valueless and talks about study, university, and SAT. Oh… how I ABHOR the word “SAT”! Then, I would hate her for mentioning those things to me, even though I know she says those for my own good.
When I start to dislike her, she would surprise by her tender thoughts. She told me her conversation with her brother on the phone about me. My uncle asked about my studies and said that compared to China, the stress I get in school is a light load. Mother told her brother that she thought I’ve got enough to handle, seeing how our lives changed. She said I must feel lost and unsure of myself, since I’ve been moving from China to Singapore and to America, constantly losing new-build friendships and a place to call home. Then there’s my study and my extracurricular activities. In China I was a leader from the first year of primary school. I’m used to the life of controlling and glory. Then I have to give up all those to go to Singapore to start over. She said that trying to live with your head high in foreign country is not a easy task for me, that I have to receive humiliations and work very hard just to catch up with others. Then I have tried very hard to achieve a place for my own, the good grades and the competitions and the certificates I’ve won in primary school. She talked about how hard it would be for me to do well in secondary school (middle school) and participate in so many activities and get my name known among teachers. THEN, I had to give up all those I’ve achieved in Singapore to come to USA, to start over as a nobody, to begin from zero. She told my uncle how stressed it would be for me to get myself comfortable in a new environment when I am already fourteen years old, and try to catch up on school works. She said she didn’t want to stress me any further, that I’ve got my hands full of trying to remain my good grades and going back to my own glorious life. You know, I was in tears when I heard her repeating those words to me. My mandarin teacher wrote to me in the dairy she gave me, “Life may be lucky for you, for you get the chance of going to different places at such age. But life must also be hard for you, traveling from country to country at such a young age, trying to find your root, finding a place to call home.” It was the same as what my mother had told her brother, the understanding of life for me, the compassion for me, and the love. How can I not love her?
I don’t appreciate her enough. I don’t know about Mother’s Day until I went to Singapore, and even then, I don’t give her presents or tell her “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Mother’s Day” a lot. Sometimes when I saved a bit of money, I would buy her silly things. Life on Valentine’s Day, I spent five bucks on a rose for her. Then I would make card for her birthday. And this year, I used twenty dollars I intend for my own enjoyment to buy her CDs of songs played by saxophone, one of her favorites. At first I was a bit angry at her reaction in receiving my gifts. She always scolds me for spending money on useless things. She never say thank you, nor does she show signs of happiness at my gifts. I ask myself why can’t she understand the point of giving her presents, why can’t she at least be happy about it like I’ve made a big mistake. Later I realized that she is happy at my gifts, but being a mother makes her scolds me at my use of money.
Mother, I can’t tell you how incredible a mother can be. I don’t know if God sends me mother, but I do know this: mother is my guardian angel. No matter how spoiled I am, how bad tempered I am, mother will love me like I am the most perfect thing in this whole universe. She would give me the star and the moon if I wish for it, she would cross the mountain and dive the ocean just to search for treasures that could win me a smile. And how can I repay her? I guess the answer will be, with love.
I know I am not the perfect daughter, but I will always try my best to understand my mother, and give her the love she well deserved.
Second star to the right,There stands the Neverland.How children pray on the night,Just to visit the wonderful land.
Second star to the right,Peter Pan and Tinkle Bell.Waiting for me to call the night,So come to me they shall.
Only I wish to the star,Never take me away from home.I want to be here from the start,Stay in the embrace of my mother,And a love, forever more.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~B.L.
