Tonight my heart is an unprotected citadel. (1)
Dear Xiaocui,
Long time no see. How about you recently? Hope everything is still so smooth with you all the way through every thick and thin of any a moment of your life. As you know, the sincere benediction I hold for you, will never be fusible under no circumstance. If you like, I do not care to cite this famous movie lines as an effective supplement for my words : “ I dare not to separate from you even though all the mountains are going to lose their silhouette against the sky, or the doomsday are impending.” (山无棱，天地合，俺的祝福乃敢与君绝.) *^_^*
I have to say sorry to you, for I didn’t return your new year greeting half of the year ago. I have to say sorry again for posting my late reply in the public net-forum, if you consider this as kind of impropriety for my manner. In fact, I just simply want some other net-friends, whom once paid their great concerns on me , to know my recent situation in reality. Any way, I had absconded from the internet for a half of the year. At the splitting time, not even did I wave goodbye to them, or left any messages for my casual departure. That surely causes some unsettled state of mind in my heart when I sometimes mean to be aware of this from the mid-night rude awakening. So right here, I know you are not going to condemn me on sharing this email with other friends---Especially for those another harems of mine (xixi, as you once mentioned, I had a lot of girls in the internet; the amount are almost as much as my jackets. *^_^*). Goodness me! How come I could leave them all alone in the cyberworld that long with my cruelty, in this half of the year? I couldn’t help but have an unpleasant conscience for this…Hah, please don’t blame me revealing some of my real innermost thought. As a matter of fact, I know you can read my mind that easily as before; perhaps, even a slightest thought activity of my mind, can never be escaped from your eagle-eye’s grips. *^_^*
You once asked me a question in one of your posts at our forum, saying whether our first meet is also the last one in our lives. Had it been in six months ago, my answer would be undoubtedly affirmative. For I dislike to entwine myself with any a married girl, even in the platonic territory. Yep, I deem I never dream of any iota of intention to cast a blight upon anyone’s family; although how great as a popular lady-killer I am*^_^*, I just must keep them at arm’s length. So I thought of totally fading me out from your life after you initiating your matrimony, as a result. No matter how deeply sweet our former memories were ever haunting in my mind, or how desperately concerned I was worried about you, I would just simply bury them in a secret place and you might never know. But, in the past six months, too many unexpected things had been occurred to this world. Especially the war on Iraq and the infectious disease Sars to the people. It’s none the less true that these two accidents influenced some of the changes of my mind. Well, It seems I do not mind to give you some juicy details of them.
Concerning the war on Iraq. After the 9·11 event in US last year, I was quite willing to concede we couldn’t treat those terrorists with kid’s glove, yet at the mean time, I also didn’t think that we could solve the problems by a way of mutual retaliation. It’s the height of stupidity to make things at last go at it with hammers and tongs. And things can always be settled out in a peaceful way if they do contrive to put it out. I noticed, it’s under the name of extricating the Iraq people from tyranny that the US president Mr. Bullshit (well, I’m afraid I’ve misspelled this guy’s name. Who cares? *^_^*) and his state machine waged this war. They even feigned a far-fetched excuse of saying that Iraq concealed some devastating weapons and might threaten the safety to their country. By now the naked truth are going to make more clear out that they literally told a whopper in the very eyes of all the earth people. In my point of view, I know they will never find those inexistent large-scale killing weapons in Iraq, they just make some histrionic performance and have another ulterior motives. Even a most ingenuous kid shall know their culminating target are those crude oils, the never-eclipsed natural resources and the providential treasures in Iraq. This issue regards quite a great importance of future developments to those Yankees , and to their hegemonic ambitions over the entire world. So they have to set a chessman upon Middle-east Area beforehand with cold calculation no matter by fair means or by foul. By the time of seeing those self-confessed worldwide polices’ presence in Iraq with their machineguns toward sinless people, I suddenly realized that the poetic justice is pretty hard beyond people’s sweet expectation. No matter how devoutly we hope, the durable peace for all mankind is only like the iridescent bubbles under the sunlight, which is too brittle to last for another minute. And all these disaster only lies with the careerists and those untidy politicians, those brutal carnivores and cannibals! Holy sh_t and damn it ! ( You know I hardly cast any devil curse against anyone, but this time I seem to be lunatic at this second. I do not care whether the hell is yawning ahead of them. And the inferno is just the unique good place for them to stay on eternity. *^_^* Xixi, sorry for raving my smoldering discontent for this. However, a weakling like me can do nothing other than lodge a complaint down the paper like this way. *^_^* )
Now I have no mood to recall the gory sceneries of the war and all its concomitant sufferings to those wretched Iraq people. I just want to say something in addition. When I witnessed a kid on the TV crying for her obituary parents (they had died under the attack of those unhuman cannons from US army!), You could never hazard any guess what a vicarious gut feeling that I could sense from the kid’s limpid tears. All at a sudden, I thought I had found the lethal significance of my this life. From now on, for me, the most important thing isn’t the possible astronomical money that I can pursue in the rest life, neither a superhuman achievement that I may reach on my future career, but how many things that I will do for those poor kids and all our descendants. For sure I know no matter it will be God, Holy Marry, Buddha or Allah, they will just always like to turn a deaf ears to those sad kids. They could do nothing at help. I must do something by myself instead of pure helpless prayers or just expressing shiftless indignations. (No any blasphemy here. I know you’re a pious Christian yet I’m an unmitigated atheist. *^_^* ) Well, in fact now I’m still so weak even can maintain my own house keeping sometimes. Yet I do promise I will change the surroundings very soon. By then I can do something I’d love to do, something incumbent that I must to do. Well, my dear, after reading this email you surely have my indelible words since now, then never forget to give me a ferocious lash if someday I omit my swear and just indulge myself into personal pleasures like a hedonist, as you’re my trustful reminder all the way through. **^_^** (fiery blush with shame.)
Respecting to the catching virus Sars. You know this guy had made a carnage on the world, especially caused a catastrophe in our China. ( The city Toronto you now live in was also a victim. I noticed that. Something else, to my great rejoicing that your step-motherland, Canada, unlike the other scandalous countries such like U.K. and Australia, he didn’t take any joint actions to participate in the war on Iraq although he is the most intimate neighbor to US and he can conspire with US for reciprocal benefits. It’s a peace-love and neutral country which deserves your stay and my esteem. So I now don’t mind to take my hap off to him resorting this chance. *^_^*) I don’t wish to waste my ink on what a gallant struggle that we’d launched on a watertight defensive against this infectious disease. I just want to say, this small stuff had made me know that we human being are so fragile as to conquer the whole world no matter in macrocosm or in microcosm such as the secret of bodies ourselves. Well, you know why I now try to re-bridge a gap between you and me after our long time’s detachment. The Sars is the warmest answer. After this dangerous crisis when I now seem to be aware of myself, I write this email in a hurry at this midnight, for fear that I may have no opportunity to see tomorrow’s sun if some unlucky accident come to me with its fatalism. God, I’m so so so scary…I can face any misfortune not even turning a hair, but, please lend me a last minute to write down something, telling the person who burden all my cares that in fact how desperately concerned I was worried about them. Then I may close my eyes last time with security. (安心瞑目！*^_^*) Xixi, now you shall learn why I christen the heading of this email in the name of “tonight my heart is an unprotected citadel.” That’s that. *^_^*
(to be continue…)
