4/30/2004
Dear Hazel,
I eventually managed to sit down and reply to your post as I’ve promised to do so many days ago:) Thanks for sharing with me the interesting story between you and your mother in your last post, I meant your mother even called you to criticize your way of dressing in front of the camera. In fact, what struck me most was the final conclusion you drew, namely, we should think in the shoes of our parents rather than neglecting their feelings. Yes, communication based on the mutual understanding is crucial to any relationship between our parents and us.
Mother’s Day seems to around the corner, since advertisements concerning this holiday are found everywhere in Sydney. I don’t know how many young people today in china will buy their beloved mother carnation or other gifts like what’s happening in western world (I do hope so, since youg chinese today celebrate the Christmas day), as for me, I regret not having bought my mother anything last year since I had already realized that I wouldn’t stay with her as I used to in the past two decades (yes, even I’m going back to China after graduation, it’s impossible for me to work in my hometown, so that’s why I said I was going to leave her).
I used to think I was a little bit cold-blooded, because I didn’t seem to have great attachment to my parents like many other people do. That’s exactly the reason why my mum often grunted that sometimes she really suspected whether I was her real daughter, or perhaps somebody else had taken away her real daughter in the hospital by mistake. It’s really funny that many parents seem to have played the similar tricks on their kids; for instance, they simply told their children that they were actually adopted or even orphans. I could hardly figure out why they joked with their kids this way, but my mother seems to be fond of teasing me, and once she even admitted it’s a little bit interesting to see me arguing with her and then losing my patience or temper. One of the tricks she really likes is to say I look the most ugly among all the daughters of her colleagues or acquaintances. Maybe I was born with high self-esteem, so even today I will certainly defense myself, when hearing such kind of comment even though I’m clear that she doesn’t really mean it
It’s sort of unique struggle between my mother and I. I could still remember that once I was really furious, because my mum said in front many of other aunties like: ” All of your daughters look very pretty, but my daughter simply don’t know how to dress up to make compensation for her bad appearance.” When we went back home, I shouted at her that she could live with anybody that she thought was pretty instead of me, such an ugly daughter. Mum burst into laughter, which made me feel even angrier. The next day morning, I refuse to say even a single word with her though she tried every means to start a conversation, I was truly furious because I thought she shouldn’t have made me lose face in front of so many people. Mum gradually lost her patience in the cold war, and asked me why I took it for real every time. I still ignored her, as I was really obstinate. Finally she gave up, and told me in fact I looked most beautiful in her eyes, because I’m her daughter rather than anybody else. Then she added every time I really looked funny when arguing with her, that’s why she liked to play such kind of trick over and over again. As I said, this is sort of special war between my mother and I. I bet it won’t happen between anybody else. Maybe I’m too headstrong; maybe my mum really takes it as great fun, anyway it’s still happening on the phone, even though I’m far away from home. I meant last time; she insisted that I should buy myself some fashionable clothes or even make-up in Australia, because I looked exactly like country lass when she called me. At that time, I simply lost my temper and said it was none of her business, because I’d prefer to look that way. People in china like to category couples that add delight to their relationship via quarreling into “yuanjia” in Chinese (sort of pet name as sweetheart in English or something like that), sometimes I really think the relationship between my mother and I is also like this.
To be frank, I begin to miss my parents so frequently than any other period of time in my life right after my first month of arrival in another continent so far away from home. I used to put the three different types of emotions of human beings; I meant, friendship, love and kinship, in the following order: love, friendship, and kinship. Obviously, I’m by no means a good daughter. Once I got a problem, the first person came into my mind must and always be my former boyfriend, who I loved whole-heartedly for two years, and then I would come up to my friends for help or consultation, and finally it came my parents. Actually I used to be very reluctant to talk with my parents about my obsessions or feelings most of the time. I simply don’t know why, maybe I found there’s generation gap. I meant, I didn’t think they could fully understand me like my former boyfriend or friends who are as old as I. But now things are completely different. I seem not to care my boyfriend any more, since he always ignored my feelings and got a new girl as he said “at random”. I still didn’t hate him; after all, he didn’t ask me to love him so much, and thus behaving in such an immature and silly way. As a matter of fact, I wanted to owe my thanks to him, as he let me know the very fact that parents matter most in this world, much more important than anybody else. Parents are the very persons who give life to you; they never ignore your feelings, let alone hurt or betray you. They treat you whole-heartedly even though you may not treat them the same way. What I got through in the past serves as the best example.
Now I feel lucky and proud of having such kind of parents, especially after the talk with my landlady. (As for her, that’s a long and legendary story, all that I want to say is that she is my idol, maybe some day I will begin to write about her story.) My landlady told me that she really envied me very much, because I seemed to have the best parents in the world. She seemed to pick up the phone at first almost every time when my parents called me. What struck her most was that my mum called her and required her politely to take good care of me even an hour before I made my first appearance (The agency who was in charge of my application for overseas study helped me to get the accommodation, and gave us the telephone number in advance. The airplane happened to be delayed that day when I arrived in Sydney, so I failed to get to the home-stay and called back home in time, and my mum was so worried that she made a phone call to my landlady directly.) Besides, my father also talked with and consulted her about all the trivial things, as detailed as all the aspects of my everyday life, study, part-time job, and desirable future design (such as the translation examination issued by the local government) on the phone last time when I was away. She said she had never met such kind of parents who loved and cared their daughter so much, and she, even an onlooker could strongly sense the deep affection. By comparison, her parents were always busy with their business, and paid limited attention to her since childhood, though she had been suffered from illness for so many years. All that she said was a shock to me. I was aware that I might have suffered a lot from failure of love and difficulties here in Sydney, but my parents are so great, they are always there supporting me! Now I often stare at the airplanes passing by high above the sky, wondering when I can go back home, and my great pleasure turns out to call back home to hear my parents’ voice on the line.
Going abroad, as I think, has opened another windows for my entire life, and lets me know how important my parents means to me. I can still remember the promise I made before going abroad, that is, to buy my parents a villa, and let them live better life from then on. I used to make this promise as I greatly appreciated their financial support for my entire overseas study, but now one more, very important thing has been added, that is the deep emotional attachment from the bottom of my heart. I’m now writing this article, with my eyes totally wet. As a matter of fact, I really think life here is very tough from time to time, but the moment I think of my parents, I was refilled with hope and power again. Parents give us life, so we are living in this world not merely for ourselves, but also for them.
It seems I’ve written too much, but life abroad really has changed my outlook on kinship dramatically. I begin to think maturely more than ever, resulting in such a long letter. Hazel, Thanks for your attention, and I sincerely hope more and more people will join us to better understand our parents, and simply do something in the coming mother’s day and father’s day.
Yours sincerely, Joan
