Dear Neil,
I’ve been thinking about what I can do to help your cousin, who, as you told us, was going to China someday lately. I hesitated a little because I myself am not a well-traveled person, and I know too little about traveling abroad. However, I decide that knowing a little bit more about table manners in China may help your cousin feel more at home when he’s invited to someone’s home here for dinner.
It’s said that in Western countries, the most suitable time for the guest to arrive at the host’s home is about five or ten minutes later than the given timing. The traditions differ between your country and mine. You may be considered “having your nose high in the air” or even worse as “arrogant”, if you are often late for dinners, or at least you are not sincere. The host or hostess, who will usually invite you a day or two earlier if he really wants to you join the dinner, will manage to have a half day off or so to prepare for the dishes. So just don’t worry about whether your host is ready or not and be punctual. It’s also acceptable that you arrive a little earlier to help prepare the dinner---but it often happens only when you are quite familiar to each other. People here seldom, if ever, have formal dinners as westerners do; so just relax when you are at the host’s home. It’s certainly a misconception that Chinese people don’t hold punctuality in high esteem; it may use to be like this, but no longer. The host must be expecting your arrival on time, neither too early nor too late, whether at home or at outside restaurant. If you have to be late, as it happens, just tell the truth and say you are sorry and try blending yourself into the atmosphere as soon as possible. Usually the late arrived guests are expected to have a few cups of wine first --- probably as a way of showing apology or appreciation. If you are not a strong drinker, tell the host and the other guests that you cannot drink much. It’s even better that you tell your host a little earlier about this. This way you are not going to spoil the atmosphere; otherwise you may be making them lose face---that’s the most uncomfortable and embarrassing thing one could come across at the table.
Chinese people are traditionally hospitable. I guess people in most areas of China are more hospitable than people in Western countries. Of course the hospitability varies from place to place, especially from urban areas to rural areas. People in rural areas tend to be more enthusiastic and warmly hospitable than that in urban areas. Actually you don’t have to care too much about this---just always be sincere and be telling the truth. In most cases, we use chopsticks at meals, which may be a nightmare for western visitors. You may ask your host to provide your table implements beforehand, of course, but it doesn’t hurt to give it a good try during the meal. After all, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. After some time’s practice, you are likely to fall in love with the traditional Chinese table implements, which are really so effective and convenient! The dishes are usually abundant and delicious if you are invited in advance and it’ll be a well-prepared meal. The courses, though, may differ a lot from what you have been used to. Don’t hit your panic button when you find all the dishes are right “brand-new” to you. Keep calm and see what others do, and you’ll soon feel right at home. Soup in Chinese meals is generally thin and spicy. To make it even relaxing and enjoyable, we don’t care very much about how loud sound you may be making when drinking the soup. (As thin as Chinese soups are, you are certainly not eating the soup as you do in your own country.)It’s also well acceptable that people shoot the breeze during the meal. However, a well-chosen topic may help you get very well along with the present members. It’s a good idea to consult your Chinese friends about what topics might be no-nos or even taboos in advance. That may help steer you through the rocks and reefs of the table manners in China. It’s not surprising that the zealous host may be putting some food into your bowl or plate; actually it’s usually the hostess who may be doing this. A “thank you” is good enough to show your appreciation if you are really in the situation. Nobody would enjoy seeing how a guest gets embarrassed or nervous. Wine, or liquor, is often served during the meal. You may drink a little, or a lot if you can, but never get drunk. People are likely to get out of control or to lose his dinner after they get drunk. By throwing up you are not only going to stain the table but also spoil the entire meal and the fun in it. It’s the most disastrous sight to see a guest get dead drunk and behave like a mad guy. One of the proper ways of get out of this situation when you feel you are already half crocked is to excuse yourself before it goes from bad to worse. Only a lousy host will get terribly drunk before his guests. So don’t be obliged to drink more than you really can.
“Eat and run” is considered impolite on most occasions unless your attention is really needed by emergencies. After the main meal, tea drinking is the most popular activity. It’s certainly comfortable to have some tea after the meal, so, just sit down and enjoy it.
“Should I bring something like a gift?” The answer is negative. You don’t have to, but the host will be pleased to receive a little gift like a nicely made cake, a bunch of flowers, or such other little things. Never give money unless it’s a wedding celebration. It must sound odd for you westerners to give money when attending a wedding party, but it’s true Chinese convention and it’s been handed down generation after generation. I don’t like it, either. I guest most people don’t like it, but nobody’s ever done anything for the outdated and uncomfortable custom.
Last, don’t forget to invite your host (and, more preferably, the other members at the meal) to your home for dinner someday before you leave----whether they can make it or not is quite a horse of different color. :P
Enjoy! And do try more!
Panpanpan.
