Dear Minmin,
I hope you don't mind that I carried your request forward into a root post. I think there may be other young parents who could find this proven approach helpful in raising and training their young children.
Well, here are a few things that worked for me.
"Let your "yes" be yes, and your "no be no. I mean, if your child asks you for ccandy in a store, and you say "no", then don't ever change to "yes". If so, your child will learn that you can be nagged into doing what he wants. From then on, when you say "no" the child will keep trying to make you change your mind. This is a horrible situation-- being nagged by your child who keeps whining at you, pleading with you, to change your mind and allow whatever it is that you have decided against.
If you find that you said "no" when, after thought you decide you should have said "yes", for some reason that you didn't think of at the time, then you must explain carefully to your child that the only reason you are willing to change is because you now understand something new, and have reconsidered. Your child must never think you changed your decision because of his or her pleading or nagging!
Put small things that your child is not to touch, up high, or out of reach. Thenyou don't need to continually be telling your child not to touch them. It makes life easier and more pleasant for both of you.
If you tell your child to do something, and the child doesn't do it, then you need to consistently follow up. Go over to the child and make sure he or she understands what you want, and then does it. Don't sit in a chair and keep telling the child to do something, while the child continues to do what it wants to do, instead. That is very annoying behaviour for everybody. Keep your instructions to your child limited to important things that you can enforce. If the child is disobedient then, as a last resort, you will have to give a suitable punishment. Only very rarely should this be a slap on the bum with your hand. Make sure that the slap on the bum punishment is given in private, to save your child's and your own dignity. Take the little one out of the room to a private place first.
If you give frequent, even harder physical punishment your child will become hardened to it and will laugh, or show you in some other way that it doesn't care. If you rarely give it, even a little slap on the bum will be effective.
Don't let the child be sad too long from punishment. Give a brief time for effect, and then cuddle the child and say you hated to do it, but you had to because it is your job to raise it to be a good person, (or to protect it, or to protect the thing, or whatever,) and that's why you have to always make sure your child follows your guidance. If other children are doing it, tell your child that they are the responsibility of their parents, but you are the one who takes care of your lchild, and you have decided for the best. And that it doesn't matter to you if the others are doing it, or not. Your child will do what you instruct.
Don't spoil the child by giving it everything it asks for. Also, give your child lots of things like cardboard boxes, and blocks and old dress-up clothes and such things the child can use in imaginative ways. Manufactured toys that do everything for the child are a waste of money and also dampen the child's creativity.
Talk with your child a lot. Give lots of love and hugs. Also, when behaviour is good, be sure to tell your child how proud you are of him or her.
When you take your child somewhere with you, also take some quiet toys like books, or colouring books and crayons, or blocks, etc. Tell your child to listen as long as they can, but when they begin to get tired of that, they are to stay by your side and quietly read their book, or colour, or build something. Don't let them run around people's houses, or offices, or meetings on their own, or in loud, clattery little hard shoes. If they should move quietly, then take a pair of slippers along for them.
It makes a host and hostess very nervous if a child is allowed to roam their house, alone. Also, the child can get into something poisonous, so be sure to always be nearby to prevent trouble.
Don't let children interrupt adult conversations. Let them wait for a pause, then say "excuse me" and say what they need to say. However, if the other adult with whom you are talking doesn't give the child a chance to get a word in edgewise, then you will need to break into the conversation yourself, for the sake of your child. Just say "just a minute" to the other adult, and then let your child speak. That way your child won't turn into a little nag saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" over and over. Or "Excuse me! Excuse! me Excuse me!" over top of the adult conversation. Your child will not become a little nag.
If you explain what will happen, and how you want them to behave, ahead of time, they will often be very well behaved, because they understand just what to expect, and also because they want your approval. When you take them out and they have been good and well-behaved, be sure to give them words of approval on the way home, and even later tell their Daddy about how good they were at a time when they can overhear you.
Make sure they know that you always love them, and will always love them no matter what. Never withdraw your love as a punishment. Say that you are very happy and proud of them whenever they behave well. Especially if another child has been naughty and they resisted temptation. But don't encourage them to be good-goodies, or tell them they were good, in front of the other child. Otherwise they may preen themselves, and become obnoxious and fish for more words of praise to vaunt themselves over the other child.
If you do these kinds of things regularly and predictably, your child will know what to expect from you, and that you won't change, and so he or she will behave. Even if another adult pampers them they will stay behave for you. You can afford to let grandparents be more indulgent toward your children than you are. Children need some of that and grandparents are the right people to give it. Parents need to keep their rules intact. When you are grandparents you can pamper and baby your grandchildren and break their parent's rules. But don't break your own.
That last thing that comes to mind right now it that you and your husband must be in agreement about how your child is being raised. You can't have the child playing you and your husband off against each other. For instance, "But Daddy said it's alright!" when you have already said "no." Parents must be in unity. If Mommy says one thing, Daddy should never say another. He or she should probably say "Have you asked your Daddy (or your Mommy)? What did she (or he) say?" The child will usually tell you the truth. Then you should agree with it. Even if you or your husband disagree with what the other has said you should discuss it in private and come out to tell the child what you have agreed together. You or he cana take the other aside to discuss the situation. Then they should consult, agree, and decide how to tell the child that things have changed. Tell the child that Daddy and Mommy have decided that since (new information) is now known, the decision is now --(whatever it is.) Always have a reasonable reason for any change so the child doesn't get the idea that its manipulation or nagging effected the change.
Make sure children don't become over-tired, or hungry when out with you. When they do they will become hard to handle. Take a little snack along to avoid this, and a little familiar blanket or pillow so they can rest if they need to.
These things set the stage for good behaviour in the future. Try not to quell your child's spirit, but remain alert for misbehaviour and take care of it promptly.
I hope this is some help. It is demanding to raise a good child but the reward are so wonderful that you won't believe now, how wonderful they will be. :-)
Have fun. Best wishes, Mary
