Somebody in this forum has already written something taboo in traditional Chinese culture. I really appreciate his bravery, for I have been hesitated to write about it. I don’t know how many of you have ever watched the famous American movie ‘American Pie’ or willing to talk about it in public.
I first heard this movie when I visited my friend in her dorm. The girl in her upper bed told us that she watched it with her boyfriend the day before, but she could hardly bear it. I actually had a vague idea about what this movie was about, though its name sounded so familiar, so I asked her why. She told me it’s all about how young American high-school students are trying to lose virginity before graduation at such a young age. What shock her most was that there was a half-naked girl seen inviting somebody to have an affair with her online all over the campus. My friend and I stopped her at once and asked: “Isn’t it disgusting?”
At that time, we were studying in a relatively small and conservative city. We took this kind of thing as unacceptable, although we’ve also heard so many stories about those open-minded female university students in the large cities, such as cohabitation, pregnancy, or induced abortion.
Many of us might talk about dating with guys after the lights are turned off, but it is all about hand in hand, hug or kiss and nothing else, (likewise, those guys are always talking about us at the same time). Actually, I lived on campus just for a year, so I didn’t know what was going on later. They might have talked about sex in the later years, because once a girl in my dorm told me honestly that she had “committed a crime” (She felt guilty even though she had been staying with her boyfriend for eight years).
Personally, I got to know those guys were almost crazy about sex from my first so-called boyfriend online. Once we made a date for an entire night. That was also the only time I spent a sleepless night in net bar with my classmates. At first, we talked as usual, but we both seemed to have nothing special to say around 4 o’ clock, so I simply asked him what he wanted to come to next. He kept silent for a while, and then sent me “sex”. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought he must have known that I was that traditional well-behaved girl. How could he mention this kind of thing in front of me? I told him that I was frightened.
He “laughed” loudly and said:”Honey, don’t you know men of my age are all crazy about it? ”
“Oh, really? Excuse me, I’m a little bit sleepy and wanted to take a break.” I looked for an excuse and escaped from him.
In the following days, he seemed to mention it two more times, but I just managed to avoid it with different excuses. Eventually, he asked me whether I was fed up with it, but as an adult, he could hardly control himself especially in front of me, since he really loved me. I seemed to be convinced by his words that he insisted because he loved me, though it was even online.
I must say, young girls are really too childish and tenderhearted. Many girls seem to give themselves to their boyfriends before marriage without regret, especially when they are told by their boyfriends that they didn’t want to force them, although they had been suffering greatly from the control of their physical impetus. I’m just wondering if it’s real respect and love, why should he let you know and then put you into that pressure? What we need to think about is whether he is using your empathy and love to satisfy his personal need.
Once Dianna, one of my classmates here in Sydney shared with me her interesting experience before marriage. At that time, when she was dating with her husband, he often kept silent. At first, she was too young to figure out why he didn’t even reply to her. In her eyes, “Talking love” should be a couple getting together and begin to talk about everything of each other. It’s not until she got married that she came to realize that he truly loves her, and was trying hard to control himself.
Not very long, my first cyber love came to an end, as he was caught in red talking about sex with another girl in the chat room. I felt being deceived and hurt, but I also got to know the hideous features of this type of men. They always disguised as a faithful soul-mate of you but actually are looking for stimulation via cyber sex.
I must say I was really a silly girl who fell into the ground in the same place twice. A year later, I got involved in another cyber love. Different from the previous honey-mouthed guy, he was extremely quiet most of the time. In his words, he was a faithful and good listener for me. We even met and had a good time staying together for four hours. We didn’t feel disappointed at each other; though we still broke up very soon.
The direct blasting fuse was that I found him pasting pictures of girls in swimsuits in another BBS. I quarreled with him in all kinds of extremely hurting words, as if he had done something as outrageous and unforgivable as crime (well, I was such a self-indulgent girl; I might have spoken inappropriate words to hurt other’s feelings though I didn’t mean to). He was truly annoyed at my strong indictment against him. Actually I was told on the phone that he had indulged himself in alcohol and totally got drunk. I felt very regretful for being so rude to him, and asked for his forgiveness, but he didn’t say anything. A few days later, he sent me a text message via mobile phone saying we’d better be ordinary friends because I had made him feel he was so vulgar, whereas I was too pure to stay with him.
I know this was not the entire story, but the fact was that I was too young to know what men are really like, too young to be prepared for handling love with men. In fact, some of my male friends pointed out for me later that I really had set too strict requirement for him. As ordinary man, his behavior is understandable to a certain extent. Well, I know some of you might have been amused by my personal ridiculous stories above. I wrote about them, as they happened to me and let me face up this topic. (As my personal statement goes, I’m willing to share all my happiness and sufferings with friends here in this forum, there’re really few secrets about who Joan.blue really is, her past, present and anticipation on the future).
Still to be continued… (Joan 2004-09-18 in Sydney)
