This is another letter I wrote to the friend I met on the trip to Gold Coast. Hopefully, it can serve as a reflection of my current life and state of mind.
4 October 2004
Dear Lulu,
I’m happy to know that you’ve got the scholarship. It reminds me of what you’ve told me during our journey that you regretted for not working very hard in the past a few years. Obviously, you’ve put an end to this mistake, and I wish you would go on working hard and achieve more in the future.
You asked me how was going with my study here. Well, it’s really a long story. I even don’t know where to start. Generally, I only get another four lectures left for each of my courses. It means I will finish my entire overseas study very soon, but before it, I still get nine assignments left. Most of them are really so hard for me, because I still don’t know how to work effectively on research. Well, it’s sort of independent work; you have to do many readings first, find out your own hypothesis, and then do research, like data or sample analysis as well as in-depth discussion or analysis. As passive learner under the traditional Chinese education system, I really find it hard to do critical thinking and writing all on my own. I simply cannot manage it!
I know you may suggest me to contact with the professors and ask for their helps, yes, I’ve been doing so all the time, but the professors can only help me to specify the requirements of the task, and I still have to do my own research. Luckily, all the assignments in the most difficult subject called “Dealing with the Media” are teamwork. That is, we work together on the same assignment, and then each of us gets the same mark on it. Group-work is quite popular here. Each member is expected to contribute to the assignment, and then we constant meet to discuss our assignment together. Sometimes, I’m really tired of such regular meetings (once or twice each week). I thought I had told you last time, we were now dealing with a campaign aiming at media coverage in the local press. I got another three girls in my group from Hong Kong. As a matter of fact, they speak Cantonese with each other, and I have to wait there patiently until one of them “translate”it for me. At first, we spoke English with each other, since one of them can’t understand Mandrin, and I cannot understand even a single word of Cantonese. As non-native English speakers, we just cannot control ourselves to speak our mother tongue, Chinese, either Cantonese or Mandrin. That also explains that I never feel that I’ve been abroad. I live and stay with Chinese most of the time, we never speak English, and I make almost no local friend, though I may occasionally jump at the chance to have a short conversation with other international students.
Ning, one of my best friends here often asked me to join her in the evening parties, but every time I rejected unhesitatingly, because I think it’s dangerous to come out in the evening, and most of these parties are about drinking very late in the local bars. I want to practice English with them, but I have to think about the potential threat to my safety. The fact is sometimes I really hate to be a girl; otherwise I needn’t be so careful and timid.
Well, I still fail to see the doctor in the counselling centre of my school, but I attended two of the free academic skill learning courses in the learning centre. One was about discussion skill. Once I wrote to one my professors called Jan, and said honestly that I had difficult in dealing with discussion in class. She suggested me to go to study in the school’s learning centre called workshop. I followed her words to go there. I got the timetable, and then registered for it and one other course called “writing in academic style”. Actually, I really wanted to register all the courses, but there was clash in time, as I had to do the part-time job. I thought about it seriously, I need to work, as it can reduce my financial pressure, though in my parents’ opinion, I needn’t bear it at all. The point is I want to achieve economic independence all the time. To do part-time job and get salary (though far from enough) can make me feel less guilty.
Ok, let’s go back to my experience in the workshop, it’s just marvellous! The exact word comes to me. I talked with four other Asian students in the Discussion Skill class. The lecturer didn’t talk much about how we could do to improve our discussion abilities, but she asked us to discuss in small groups to summarize the problems and solutions ourselves. I was not as quite and timid as I used to in my normal classes, I referred to the four courses I’ve chosen this semester. I talked loudly and confidently with my peers. At first, I even failed to recognize that I was able to talk in English so confidently. I didn’t know whether it’s because all the students there shared the same background as mine. I meant non-native speakers, normally very quiet in class-discussion and thus truly worried about it, and came there for help. I went back home with great joy that day. I felt that I had learnt something more important than strategies that can help me to improve my performance in discussion, I meant, confidence and independent thinking. Yes, those two are exactly the best points of the education abroad, say, to make students know how to learn by themselves and how to show their abilities whenever they are offered the chance. Like sort of individual show (or say sell yourself) with sheer confidence. Have you ever heard of the Chinese saying that “I can show on all the stages, no matter how large it will be”? That’s exactly the image that many local students have established in my mind during the discussion in class. They often challenge the professors with their own arguments. Students from cultures promoting modesty or conservativeness are actually supposed to pluck their courage to speak confidently too, moreover, independent ability to ask question or find out a problem and then try to solve it is also essential.
Speaking of confidence, I was overjoyed when I got the reply from Jan, saying she was very pleased with my oral presentation last week. You know, last semester, I also did a presentation, I was too nervous to perform very well, though I had made full preparation before it. Afterwards, I wrote to her, and asked for her comments and guidance. At first, she rejected politely, saying it was not the time; she would let me know after the final exam. I didn’t give up, and waited until the third week of this semester. (I actually chose two of her lessons). She kept her promise, and pointed out for me all the points I needed to pay attention to. I’ve benefited a lot from her thoughtful and informative reply. Last week, when I was doing my presentation, I wasn’t nervous at all. I smiled, and looked into the audiences’ eyes from time to time. In fact, I wrote to her to ask questions about the research project I was going to do before the end of this semester, but she was so kind to comment on my presentation saying everything went very well, she was pleased for me. Finally, she asked me to feel free to write to her at any time I get any problem. I was really excited! I even didn’t know how to truly express my feelings. I felt my attempt to interact with her has won her consents, though I was thinking that she might be brothered by my silly questions. Yes, you know, every time I wrote to her with questions that native-speakers wouldn’t ask at all, such as, how to improve discussion skill in class, how to take notes more effectively, how to do research for my assignment, etc.
Lulu, here in Australia, I never stop my readings on psychology however busy I am. I’m learning how to be master of my own emotions, especially those negative ones, and how to lead a positive, fulfilling and happy life all through this sort of readings. What struck me most recently was that we had to learn to be active, for example, the art of “ask”. If we don’t know something, just come to ask, if we want something, don’t hesitate to ask others as well (such as, permission, help, etc.). Even we are rejected, we can at least know our intention or requirement don’t meet others’ plan at the moment. It’s much better than keeping quiet, feeling uncertain and confused. Moreover, we can adjust ourselves and truly learn something through the others’ refusals. Ok, so much for it, you know, I’m truly crazy about this sort of thing, I mean psychology, and just can’t help sharing my new findings and feelings with you. Hopefully you won’t feel bored.
As my overseas study is coming to an end, I just a little bit worry about my future; you may call it indifference or whatsoever. The point is I’m quite uncertain about whether I can get a good job. These days, there’re so many returned overseas students cannot even find a job. People say they are aiming too high, but after spending so much money and energy, and surviving so many pressures and difficulties, why can’t they just require for something nice in return? That’s what I’m thinking about. Yes, I know competition in job-hunting now is fierce, however, if all my efforts in the past a few months fail to get reap, say, in the form of a good job, I will certainly be heart-broken… The high anticipation on the future career (I’m willing to confess it, as I’ve explained above) and the uncertainty about whether it will come into being, working together makes me a little bit upset the moment I think about it, well, fortunately, it hasn’t been an obsession for me, as most of the time I’m too busy to think about it. Likewise my weight problem is also worth worrying. You know, I put on weight dramatically, and I can hardly keep energetic any more, say, now I have to sleep before midnight though many times I want to sleep a little bit later to finish something really important. Each time, my eyelids are so heavy, my brain is totally empty. It stops to think and refuses to work! How awful and how sad!
Normally, I’m too busy to worry about the health, the future, those kinds of things (I’m occupied by my assignments most of the time, hehe) , but once I shift attention to them deliberately, like now I’m writing to you, thinking hard about what has truly happened to me, I started to worry at the very moment. You know, I’m also trying hard to spare time to write in English in an English forum (and for some other hobbies as well, like reading). I wrote about my weight problem, and also wrote to one of my little brothers online about how happy and busy I was. Then one of my friends in the forum pointed for me that it’s contradicted, say, I was committed to be happy but also very worried about my weight problem. I haven’t got the chance to reply to her, since my access to the Internet is usually limited, but as I’ve pointed out that it’s by no means contradictive. I was just unhappy only when I began to think about the problem, or say focus on it on purpose, but usually as I was busy, I couldn’t afford the time to pay attention to it, so I was still happy most of the time.
I know how you feel, like you are really under pressure once your teacher alerts you that you have to look for a job very soon. Nevertheless, none of us can escape from job-hunting. It’s an inevitable process, from which we come to realize our goal, self-worth or self-value. For me, I’m sort of ambitious. I’d like to meet the challenges to be a female journalist. Otherwise, I must have been a middle school teacher in my hometown, such a stable and much easier career for most girls. Likewise, as we’ve discussed before, your choice to be a female lawyer is also challenging. Our ambition has brought us pressure, but if we really want to be somebody, then we have to get through something really unusual, something that ordinary people won’t try, aren’t we? Therefore, just take a deep breath, and let’s work together and keep going with our dreams.
I felt as if I just started to write you back, since I had so much to talk to you. As you’ve said at the end, my life here must be filled with new ideas. Yes, too many of things to learn and to get through, and I can only share a few of them with you once at a time. Ok, before I finish it, I’d like to briefly come to something you want to know, humm, first, there’s one week’s time as mid-term break in each of the semester here in Australia, and I had just finished it. Then, I spent my Mid-autumn Festival at peace, nothing special to talk about, but the next day, I was truly cheerful when I opened my mailbox in the school’s library. What a surprise and joy! It was full of letters and e-cards from my friends: some are from my former classmates and friends in China, some are from my friends here who had gone back to China (of course including yours), some are from my net-pals, and I even got a lovely e-card from my former foreign teacher! I was happy, I couldn’t smile. How happy I was! To be missed by somebody else was the happiest thing in the world! So I’d like to thank you for writing to me! Oh, I almost forget to tell you, I decide to give up the graduation ceremony, and go back to China early. So you needn’t be so jealous about me, anyway I will keep your words in mind, I mean, enjoy all the beauty here in Australia to my heart’s content, the blue sky, the fresh air, the lovely ocean and beach, the sunshine, etc. Of course, I won’t lose the last chance to travel to Melbourne, Hunt Valley, or Blue Mountain before I go back. Hopefully we will be able to meet again and talk about more things very soon.
Ok, I must stop here. I’m looking forward to sharing your life stories. Don’t forget to let me know how’s going with you, your happiness, sufferings, confusion, and inner growth.
Best wishes,
Affectionately Yours, Joan
