I bumped into an uni ex flatmate last nite on msn.
For no reason, asked her if she have heard from another friend. a friend that i'd always like to know how he's doing lately.was expected the worst case: which is, no news from him, as i wouldnt be surprice since he hasnt been keeping in touch with anyone in our group.
surprisingly, she said" as a matter of fact, i did, have his news.he wrote me a mail, saying that he has already join the army, and he will come to visit us when he finished serving national service."
i can feel my heart rising. on one hand, i am glad. there has been a few major incidents and accidents happening in his country. i am glad he is alive and kicking. that's all i need to know.
exflatmate asked me: "you still miss him huh?". i told her " He, has never leave my mind, nor my heart." i didnt know he's so much an influence to me until i saw myself typing it. but it is not a thing with no trace. i still sing his favorite song on my way back from work. not that i did it on purpose. i suppose it is more of a habit. yeah, after all, a habit that i didnt manage to kick after half a year.
meantime, i can feel, my heart breaking. why doesnt he bother to reply my mail? whether it is an email i send to him, or emails i wrote associated with other friends of our groups, hoping to strike a conversation yet contact among us. there is no sign, no reply nothing or what so ever from him.
i still remember, when i was so down the other nite, crawling into bed hidding in my quilt, i had a permination, i see him ,James, Rick and Frankie came to KL, waiting to surprise me in the company louge which i currently work for. i was surprised to see them. totally. i still remember the look and facial expression on his face, the way he smile, the way he smile gently, but his eyes are full of twinkles that made ppl never wanna take their own eyes from his; the wrinkles on his nose.... the way he shines, and i cant help but to run into his arms and give him a big hugs. at that moment, i can no longer hold back my hears. i's relieved in a way that i finally get to see him, get back into his arms and be happy. and i finally know, no matter how much i try to withhold the way i miss him, try to deny my feelings for him, he is still there, lying in the most inner corner of my heart, in which no one have access to; despite the fact i try to freeze my feelings for him try not to feel for him.
bizarrely, i suppose that is never going to happen. it is so clear, from the way he reacts, he wont even reply my email but to reply my friend's email(which is his friend's friend???)not to mention he would come visitting me nor to come surprising me. of course i'd love to run into his arms again...but how can i run if he were to hide from me? and why am i still so stupid and stuborn not to leave the place, not to let go?
