pain in love

If there were a kind of instrument that could precisely measure or weigh feelings,how glad I would be.But there isn't,so i am in deep pain.I don't know which one I am caring about more,even a little bit.I'd like to make my feelings the only criterion to decide my fate,but unluckily,I have no idea.There are many things that I can't understand about love.I can't understand why a couple of lovers only met 3 times in two and a half years.When asked,he only answered he didn't wish to put any pressure on me,even though he knows another boy is near me all the time.We live in two different places.We have promised to each other that we'll meet in two years.I haven't thought he never invited me to his home,although he insists he loves me very much.Just because of his words,I have to try my best to protect my feelings for him.When facing another feelings from the boy near me,who never gives up during the two and a half years,I have to try my best to reject.Whatever I have done has greatly hurt him.And I have to admit I care about him too,at least I consider him to be my good friend,mostly because I am deeply moved by his devotion to love,which my boyfriend lacks.I still love my boyfriend,though he is away from me.In order not to let him worry about me,I didn't tell him how hard I struggled in the matter of feelings,how great hurt I received,how many times I cried in my room and even once I nearly lost my life.I know my heart has been split into halves.The important reason is that the boy near me has been making all-out efforts to pull me to his side,in spite of hurting himself,but to be exactly he can't control himself most of the time,while my boyfriend hasn't done anything.He just waits for the day when I becomes his forever,and he thinks doing nothing to me will do me good--I can have more choices.So our communication has been done on the phone during these years.I have found I am in love with both of them,or I can say I love neither of them as much as they do.I feel pained.Now I must make a decision,for I can't live such a life any more.When I rang up my boyfriend,eager to hear he needs very much,he said he had imagined every possible result,and if I chose to stay he wouldn't blame me.Is that so?I can't bear those lenient words.What about my two and a half years' effort?Just get these words in return?

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