What in the world do I want to do in the future? My attitude towards some certain jobs has been changed from my infancy. It’s a common thing since everyone needs to grow. The process to maturity creates pains. For example, the period of time when I can imagine my elaborately designed future has passed and now unfortunately I must face the cruel reality. This university? Something like a joke… A dream. I sometimes imagine that I were not here now, but in another place. Then, what would have happened? I don’t know. Maybe even worse, I guess. I usually comfort myself in this way. Then I will feel better. Sometimes I would extremely despise myself, for my fooleries, for my lack of responsibility, for my unspeakable shyness, for my “graceful” hesitation… No matter what my old dream is, now I have perhaps think it over what kind of job I want to take and what kind of life I’d like to enjoy. I prefer quiet life. I don’t mean that I don’t like noise. The “quiet life” here is that from which I can get tranquility for my mind. It’s can be noisy but as long as I have time and place for myself, I have the freedom to decide what I will do each day, and I can be my own master, it is OK. But what kind of job is it? I don’t know for sure. SOHO? Writer? IT? Oh, never mention that. Unbearable. But just imagine, I create my own career and cherish it with great care. I hold it in my hand and protect it soundly. I struggle for it. I fight for it to death. And just keep pace with my thoughts.
I must admit I have changed a lot since last September. I became odd and eccentric. I’ve got more and more silent. I am in lack of communication. Or, I have lost the ability of dealing with other people. And the most hopeless thing is that I don’t feel a bit sad about this. What caused my changes, which mean I am getting colder and more and more indifferent? I have no idea. Indifference. It’s a dreadful word…Maybe everyone shall learn, from the time he/she is no longer a small child, to be indifferent to something and get used to pretend to be moved by something. It is adults’ trick. Dirty trick.
Suddenly I think of a sentimental song of Yanzi Sun, “Where is the kite of my childhood? It disappeared in a blink.” Sure, where is our naivety, and where are our childlike laughters? They have gone, never back.
Last week I bought a pc. That’s when exactly a fortnight after I had my mobile phone stolen. I bought it as a comfort, or rather a reward. Now I am just before my pc monitor, keyboard on my legs and on the desk laid my feet (don’t laugh at me---space limited especially when you have a pc in your dorm). At the same time, a swarm of mosquitoes are spiraling me non-stop. Their buzzing sound is tremendous in such a night. I have another thing to do. That is, to struggle hard against the mosquitoes. However, my attempt seems fruitless, for I already have got piles of good pustules all over my neck, ankles and feet. Good heavens! I hope their long pipette-like lips won’t bring me any disease.
The above is something from my inside. I got those sentences down not because they are enjoyable, but because they are, part of what I have thought.Whenever facing the computer, I always find a desire to pour out my words. Computer, as well as the mobile phone, is magic. They give me sudden inspiration to write something down. I feel that I were not real so in the suppositious world I could write down whatever I liked, and I could do whatever I’d like to do. It’s one of my pleasures, my few pleasures nowadays.
