Something happened in our family tonight. SOme old problems were triggered, some
old memories were recalled, some old wound were awoke.
I hate him for doing what he did. I hate him for not knowing how to be ashame of
what he did. I hate his attitude. I hate him bringing him around as if he is something he should really be proud of. I hate him for not respecting our family.
I wonder, why is he not dead. I wonder, should i kill him? to end all this endless problem. Thanks to his greed of wanting a son, he has sacrifise everyone's happiness, i mean literally everyone else in the family. I really hate him for what he did. I asked myself, should i just kill him? He is the source of the problem.
i was really angry when i spoke to my friend. i was so angry that i was literally shivering when i typed those words on the msn screen.
but then, some sense in my mind awoke me. WHy should i punish myself with his mistake? WHy should i be angry? WHy should i be jailed for his mistake, and for killing him? Look at him, what a pity, what an ass. We dont want him, the bitch and the son of the bitch doesnt want him either coz he is growing old, i mean really old, nagging, forgetful, every single symptom that old ppl posses.
I dont pity him, at all. he asked for all this trouble. he destroyed the family
when he decided to betray us all and did what he did 15 years ago. he deserved all the punishment he is receiving today.
i should live on, happily. finish up with my professional qualification exam and
live on happilly and healthy with my mother and my sisters. he should bear all
consequence with the choice he made. It is not my fault. it is not our fault. it
is his fault.
I had been wondering. And i am glad i find the answer. I have always been wondering, with qualification i posses, with job position i hold onto, with outward appearance that i have, why do i remain single. the answer cant be any simpler, that's because i couldnt find a man that has got enough courage and patience go walk through the pain i am bearing with me, nor is there someone out there that posses sufficient wisdom to console me when i am suffering like the way i do now.
it is not that bad to be alone after all, doesnt it?
