Dear Dragonfly and other young parents,
It is a very good sign that your daughter apologized to you, Dragonfly. It shows that she cares, and thinks about what effect her loud words and actions have on you. This shows that you are doing a good job. I think you must have apologized to her at times when you were a bit too hasty, or some such thing. Children
learn by example.
When you are feeling calm, and she seems also to be feeling at peace is a good time to bring up the subject again, and to gently explain to her that you have a
lot of extra work now, because Daddy is away for awhile. It makes you more tired than usual. You made her a good supper, and as she was tense for some reason,
she shouted at you. You both have pressures, and so you both need to be more caring and careful, especially right now. You can tell her you are proud of her
for apologizing to you, especially since she thought of it for herself. Tell her that she is learning right now how to be a good mother when she is a grown-up
with her own husband and child.
I found it helped me when I thought about what the end result would be in the future if I allowed certain things, or said certain things. Sometimes I could see
that if I let my children get away with impoliteness or demands they would continue that way. So things that I didn't want to grow into habits I made sure were handled carefully. For instance, I told them that my "yes" meant "yes", and my "no" meant "no." That nagging at me, or pleading, wouldn't change my decision
of yes or no. That put an end to begging and pleading for things in stores. If I was occasionally too hasty, and decided I wanted to change my yes or no, I always explained to them why I had changed it myself. I didn't allow them to think that any misbehaviour on their part like pouting, pleading, crying, whining,
or nagging was the reason for the change. In fact, if they did any of those things, I never changed. Therefore, I never needed to put up with such unpleasant
behaviour from them and I was proud of their behaviour when we saw other children misbehaving in those ways. :-))
If you allow the wrong things to flourish they will grow stronger, and in their
teen-aged years can become a much larger problem and even a danger to them. For
instance, here a son or daughter may nag, pout, plead, for use of the family car. Or to stay out far too late. To go places they shouldn't go. To stay out overnight with some friend when you feel in certain circumstances that they would
be safer at home. If you stay consistent in your training and guidance they will be much more understanding and better behaved later. That's why parents need
think about all likely future results of the actions you take, the things you do, or allow, and how you explain things to your darlings. If you think about future outcomes I found that you will always know what to do.
Another thing I did was to make my children my best friends. When I found interesting ideas I shared them with them. We talked a lot together and I included them with all kinds of visitors so they came to understand a lot. Weate dinner together at the table, and not in front of the tv. Even when thiswas hard for Ben because he was tired and preferred I would give them their suppers ahead of time and we should eat peacefully later, when they were in bed early, we sat down and ate together, instead.
Remaining the adult in charge, but being excellent friends with your children is
important. I used to go to their room and we'd sing together, and talk together. They were all there and each fell asleep in her own time. Jeannie always first. She's still a morning person. Karen was next. Then David was last. We talked together about all kinds of things for a good long time after the two girls were asleep. He's still a night-hawk. This spending time with them before sleep was absolutely invaluable. It was also very pleasurable.
I still consider our children and my husband to be my very best friends, and the
kids and I still have great discussions about anything and everything under the
sun that interests us. Ben isn't a big talker, and he worked hard to take care
of all of us. He was often quite tired so he wasn't able to spend all the time
I did with the children. That's why I have said "I" in so many places here. He was the stalwart husband and father who backed me up, and set a manly example.
:-)))
I know you have a different culture from ours. But some of these ideas may help
you, so I'm sharing them. Uncle Ben and I have four children. They are all adults now, married, and with their own children, and are excellent parents and good citizens. Therefore, I see that our way of raising them and guiding them worked well.
Here is a rule of thumb that also helped:
from birth to seven train your child.
from seven to fourteen guide your child.
from fifteen and onward, pray for your children, and leave them to God.
From fifteen, which is "the age of maturity," youth begin to find their own way,
and we parents need to let them do so, and not to hold on too tight, as many people here do. Gradually they become excellent independent adults. They'll make
their mistakes from which they'll learn, just as we did. But it will be alright.
I found that our children still wanted to discuss and still wanted some guidance
, but after fifteen they asked for it from me. If I said that I would pray for
them and leave them to God, then they *really* wanted to be sure that I still was there for them. They also didn't seem to feel a need to be rebellious in trying to separate from us to become independent adults. This was a big difference
from many other rebellious teens here at the time. (And still is.) Our eight grandchildren range in age from four to 24 and are not rebellious and wild, either. They are friends with their parents and responsible young people it's a pleasure to know. They are all individuals, and are interesting.
Another thing that helped me was knowing what was going on in our part of the world among young people, and not being cut off, so that I thought things were the
same as when I was their age. Sometimes they used to try to show how much more
they knew than I did about life at that time. I always knew more, and more deeply, which caused them to have the needed respect. There were good reasons for
this. But that's another story for some other time. Just make sure you remain
accurately knowledgeable of the times and situations they cope with.
Well dear friends, I hope these thoughts are of some use to you.
Warmly, Mary
