Dear Joan Blue,
Encouragement is one of the best things we can give others, as long as we tell the truth when we encourage. I try to tell the truth in my life.
Yes, I know you're straightforward. That's one of the things I like about you.
It's alright to share things here, so long as people don't know your real name and address and where you work, and what your position is. However, as this is an open forum with lots of readers who never talk, we really don't know who is reading what we write. So it's better to stay anonymous. For me, if somebody like my brother David has met the person in question and feels they are good people
I accept his wisdom in the matter and I can rely on them being who and what they say they are here. On the internet some people represent themselves as other
than they are, you know.
It's interesting that you have an old Chinese saying that silence is gold.
Here we say "speech is silver, but silence is golden." Baha'u'llah said that
"a silent tongue is safest." Of course it depends on circumstances.
I'm trying to learn not to backbite even in thought. I don't think that means that I can't reach conclusions and decisions, though. Back-biting to me means talking about somebody in a mean way behind their back. Gossip seems to be not to
chatter idly about other people's business. My daughters and I try to practise
these things. Sometimes its hard to be sure you have found the standard. For
instance, if somebody broke their leg it seems to be silly not to tell someone else that it happened. If you don't share such information how can they offer some comfort to that friend? So there's a line between gossiping and passing on important information.
Facearmy thinks I went too far when I said that she was jealous of you. He thought that was back-biting. I don't think it is. I didn't say anything else about
her. You were looking for validation of your opinion of the situation and I tried to help you. I don't think that was either gossip or back-biting. I wrote
back to him and will be interested to see how he responds. Sometimes Facearmy likes to get a discussion going. Sometimes he likes to tease. ;-)
You wrote: "I truly take it for granted that it抯 better not to say in most occasions, even in front of your colleagues and friends."
I think that's true.
You wrote: "Take this friend of mine for instance, as you have also pointed out
that she has been jealous about me all the time, but I just failed to notice it
in time. As a result, her envy eventually intensified into such an unbearable level to me, and our friendship is probably to end."
Just tonight I read an article in the paper by a woman writer. This writer has
been sharing her experience of working to lose quite a lot of weight. She had a
distressing experience. She was standing talking with another woman as a stranger passed by. The woman she was talking with made a very crude and mean remark
about the obese appearance of the other woman. The writer noticed that the strange woman looked to be about the same weight and height as herself. She looked
at the woman who made the comment to see if she showed any sign of having aimed
the remark indirectly at her but the woman's face didn't show anything. The writer ended by saying that it will be a long time before she has coffee with that
woman again. This reminded me of the post sent by Wingedheart about office gossips who hurt her with their remarks about marriage.
My experience is that usually only people who love you want to hear about your good stories. Others usually are more interested in talking generally, or about
themselves or others. If you tell them about your good stories you will find yourself excusing yourself for having them to tell, and trying to make sure they don't feel jealous. Anyway, that's been my experience. Generally I don't say much about myself, although here I often use my own experiences to try to illustrate points. In real life I uually talk about ideas and issues. Some people love
that and some people don't. Of course, sometimes you have to share something more intimate about yourself with somebody you hope will become a good friend. But try to make it an innocent or innocuous little something.
Good friend do want to hear a little more about you though. But be sure they are good friends before you share much.
It's interesting to me that you in China are experiencing the same things as I wrote above. "If you talk about your achievements, few listeners will be happy about it at all, some of them might misunderstood you as boasting yourself, some others might be jealous, and the rest will feel even hurt, for their situation might be exactly in the opposite."
I have found that it takes a noble heart to rejoice in somebody else's success.
Especially if they didn't have similar, themselves.
You wrote: "On the other hand, it抯 also unsuitable to make complaints."
I have been reading a column by a "Career Coach" in our national newspaper, The
Globe and Mail. She pointed out that it is not good to share much about yourself, and it is also not good to complain, either. People draw conclusions about you that you wouldn't want them to conclude. And they can be quite wrongconclusions, too. But these conclusions can be related to how they see your
qualities in the office and can affect your ability to be promoted, and so on.
It is best to maintain regular behaviour in the office so that people know exactly what to expect from you. Basically be pleasant, upbeat and relatively helpful. If you change a lot, so that one day you are blue, another day you are cheerful, then you are brusque, people become wary, because they like steadiness and
to know what to expect. So it's a good idea to maintain a regular kind of office demeanor, no matter what is really going on your life.
It's true that we never know what other people may have suffered, and so what we
think is very hard may even seem like child's play to them.
I think it's best not to complain. In fact, here there is a saying "Never complain. Never explain." It is directed towards not getting yourself in hot water.
If you complain you can find yourself there. If you explain you can, too, because then you have given ammunition to the others so that they can, if they wish
, overcome your explanations for their own ends.
I'm sorry to have to tell you these things, but it *has* become a harder world out there. Expecially among people who are in competition for promotion. Among
people who want to make you over-work, or even do work that is rightfully theirs
to do. There are people like that, too. There are people who use apparently good manners to overcome your understanding of their true motives. Don't become cynical. Just understand that you only have a few true friends, and you have your loving family. The rest are acquaintances. Be a good person yourself. And watch out for those possible others. It is so bad here that people in some offices have become worried about taking their vacations because they may come back to find they have been undercut, or even that they have lost their jobs.
You wrote: "One of my friends, who had worked for just a few months once reminded me that there are no friends in the office, but only colleagues, it抯 dangerous to share too much personal information or life with your colleagues, for you
never know whether they will become your enemy some day.?
Yes. That is pretty much what I've tried to explain above. She's right. You make business connections. It's called networking. You may find each other "useful" when you have moved on. Ah, what a world it is -- capitalism. Capitalism
could be good but right now it isn't very good in many ways. It could work. But right now it has many flaws. The hearts of people will need to change from greed and selfishness first. In the meantime, "watch your back."
You wrote: Another friend of mine also mentioned that she could hardly understand that why I was so honest to these unknown net-pals, to share my real name, career, workplace, or even the detailed happenings in the office. To her, strangers are after all strangers, you never know these hidden people, and so were the potential danger or harm that they might bring you.
This friend has given you wise advice. You are outgoing and innocent-hearted and so you should consider taking her advice.
China is changing even more rapidly than many other countries, as it is growing
very fast. You should try to remain aware of conditions as they develop. These
last two people seem to be worth talking with about such things. Maybe they arefriends of yours, to a degree. Watch and see.
I'll look forward to other's replies.
Affectionately,
Mary
