A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
My wife and I can‘t come to the phone right now, but if you‘ll leave your name and number, we‘ll get back to you as soon as we‘re finished.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn‘t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don‘t worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi, I‘m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hi! John‘s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I‘ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.*（见注）
Hello, this is Sally‘s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I‘m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you‘re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi. I am probably home. I‘m just avoiding someone I don‘t like. Leave me a message, and if I don‘t call back, it‘s you.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I‘ll think about returning your call.
Hi, this is George. I‘m sorry I can‘t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we‘re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can‘t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren‘t home and it‘s safe to leave us a message.
You‘re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you‘ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can‘t pick up the phone right now, because we‘re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we‘re done brushing our teeth, we‘ll get back to you.
A Sikh, an Italian & a Frenchman were drinking in a pub when the subject of
WOMAN came up in their conversation.
The Italian said, in Italy we treat the woman like a guitar. We press the top & tickle the bottom.
The Frenchman said, in France, we treat the woman like cognac. We smell first & then lick slowly. What about the woman in your country,
Mr Singh?
The Italian asked.
In our country, we treat the woman like a record. First we play the front &/when we finish, we flip it over & play the back.
What’s the problem?
An elderly manwassittingonparkbench intears. Apolice officer came up and asked him what was wrong.
“I have a 25-year-oldwife at home . She is beautiful, charming and madly in love with me.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I can’t remember where I live!”
有什么问题吗?
一个稍老的男子在公园的椅子上哭泣，一个警察走过去问，“怎么了？”
"我又一个25岁年轻漂亮的妻子，她很爱我。"
"那么，有什么问题吗？"
"我想不起来我住在哪里了！"
Jesus\'s Telly
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
"But what\'s that in the corner?" asked Mother.
"Oh, that\'s their telly," replied the tot.
耶稣的电视机
圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。
他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。
“可是那个角落里是什么？”妈妈问。
“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。
