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A Girl Just Like Mother
No matter which girl he brought home， the young man found disapproval from his mother． A friend gave him advice．
“Find a girl just like your mother—then she's bound to like her．
So the young man searched and searched， and finally found the girl．He told his friendly adviser：
“Just like you said， I found a girl who looked，talked，dressed， and even cooked like mother．And just as you said，mother liked her”
“So，”asked the friend，“what happened？”
“Nothing，”said the young man．“My father hates her！”
37．和母亲一样的女孩
无论带哪一个女孩回家，这位青年人总会遭到母亲的反对。一位朋友劝他说：
“找一个和你母亲一样的女孩——那她一定会喜欢她。”
于是这位青年人不停地找啊找，终于找到了这么个女孩。
他对他友好的忠告者说：
“正像你说的那样，我找到一个长相、谈吐、穿着打扮，甚至连烹饪都和我母亲一样的女孩。也正像你说的那样，我母亲喜欢她。”
“那后来呢？”朋友问。
“没什么，”青年人说。“我父亲讨厌她！”
What Is a Traitor？
Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？”
Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”
Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？”
Father：“A convert，my son．”
36．什么叫叛徒？
有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？”
父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人。”
有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢？”
父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”
Stray Thoughts Of an Idler
He who sleeps catches no fish，—but he who keeps awake catches crabs every moment of his life．
All professions can yield a man enough to live on，—except professions of faith．
When attending the performance of some modern operas，it has struck me that the conductor was only beating time because he could not beat the composer．
If in the sight of the law all men are equal， Heaven save us from getting into its sight．
When you want to get rid of a dog， you take off his collar；—when the king wants to get rid of a minister， he give shim the collar—of the Order of the Annunziata．
The place where they ruin people's voices， and throw aside all the canons of art，is called the Conservatoire；and a hospital full of sick peopk is called a“house of health”（Casadi Salute）．
Among the many motives which induce me to stay away from the theatre is the utter absence of all motive in modernoperas．
How many old phrases are required to make a new electoral programme！
All musical notes may express cheerful ideas； it is only thenotes of creditors which arouse none but melancholy reflections．
I entered the shop of a pork butcher at the moment when his son， aged eight， was returning from school． The poor boy was weeping bitterly．
“The old story！”exclaimed his parent ；“I suppose you did not learn your lessons， and the master called you an ass， as you deserved！”
“Yes！” replied the child， sobbing，“he did call me an ass，—and then—”
“Well，—and then —what else？”
“He said，‘well， after all， it is no wonder—like father，like son！’”
“Did he，indeed？the animal！”exclaimed the porkbutcher．“And to think that perhaps he has not yet eaten the whole of those two sausages I sent him at Christmas！”
39．闲人遐思
“眠者不得鱼”——但醒者一生时时刻刻捕到的却是螃蟹。
各种职业都可赖以为生——除了信仰的宣言。
观看某些现代歌剧演出时，我忽然悟到，指挥之所以仅仅只是打拍子，是因为他打不着作曲者。
上天保佑我们别进入法律的视界，即使在法律看来人人平等。
你不想要某条狗了，就取下它的领圈——当国王想摆脱某大臣，就给他戴上领饰——圣母玛丽亚荣誉骑士团的领饰①。
毁坏人们的噪音并抛弃一切艺术法规的地方叫作音乐学校（Conservatoire）；住满病人的医院则被称为“健康之屋”（Casa di Salute）。
种种动机促使我躲开剧院，其中之一就是因为现代歌剧完全没有主题②。
得用多少老词儿，才能编一套新的选举纲领！
所有的音符都能表达欢乐的思想；唯独债权人的信函③唤起的全是忧愁的念头。
我走进杀猪屠夫的铺子，他八岁的儿子正好放学回家。
那可怜的孩子哭得好伤心。
“准又是老事重演！”他父亲吼道，“我想一定是你没记住功课，老师骂你是蠢驴来着，你也就配挨骂！”
“不错，”孩子回答，一边抽泣着，“他确实叫我蠢驴来着，—然后—”
“然后——还有什么？”
“他说，‘说来倒也不奇怪——有其父必有其子。’”
“他真这么说了？那个畜生！”杀猪的大喊，“而且想想看，我过圣诞送他的整整两大根肉肠只怕还并没吃完呢！”
A Useful Lesson
In England nobody under the age of eighteen is allowed to drink in a public bar．
Mr． Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often，but he never took his son，Tom，because he was too young． Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday， Mr．Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time．They drank for half an hour， and then Mr．Thompson said to his son，“Now， Tom，I want to teach you a useful lesson．You must always be careful not to drink too much． And how do you know when you've had enough？ Well， I'll tell you．Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar？ When they seem to have become four，you've had enough and should go home．”
“But， Dad，” said Tom，“I can only see one light at the end of the bar．”
40．有益的教训
在英国，十八岁以下的人不准进酒吧喝酒。
汤普森先生以前常常去他家附近的一个酒吧喝酒，但他从来不带他的儿子汤姆去，因为他年纪太小。后来，当汤姆年满十八岁的时候，汤普森先生第一次带他去他常去的那家酒吧。他们喝了半个小时，而后，汤普森先生对他儿子说：“汤姆，现在我要告诉你一个有益的教训。你必须时时小心不要喝得太多。你怎么知道你喝够了呢？好，我来告诉你。你看见酒吧那头有两盏灯吗？当那两盏灯看起来变成四盏的时候，你就喝够了，应该回家了。
“可是，爸爸。”汤姆说：“在酒吧那头我只能看见一盏灯。”
The Country Squire
In a small pretty village in Notting ham shire there formerly lived a respectable Squire， who excelled all his friends in amusements athletic， and whose manner of living was far from ascetic． A wife he had taken for better or worse， whose temper had proved an intolerant curse；but at length， to his great and unspeakable joy， she died when presenting a fine little boy．Strange fancies men have；—the father designed to watch o’er the dawn of his son's youthful mind，—that，only approached by the masculine gender， no room should be left him for feelings more tender．“Had I ne’er seen a woman，” he often would sigh，“What Squire in the country so happy as I！” The boy was intelligent， active， and bright， and took in his studies uncommon delight；no juvenile follies distracted his mind； no visions of bright eyes， or damsels unkind， and those fair demisisterly beings so gay， yclept“pretty cousins， ne’erpopped in his way； till at length this remarkably singular son could number of years that had passed twenty one．”
Now the father had settled， his promising son should his studies conclude when he reached twenty one；and he went，with a heart beating high with emotion， to launch the young man on life's turbulent ocean．As they entered the town，a young maiden tripped by， with a cheek like a rose， and a lightlaughing eye．“O father， what's that？” cried the youth with delight， as this vision of loveliness burst on his sight．“O，that，” cried the cautious and politic Squire， who did not they outh's ardent glances admire，“is only a thing called a Goose，my dear son ；we shall see many more ere our visit is done．”
Blooming damsels now passed with their butter and cheese，whose beauty might even an anchorite please：“Merelygeese！” said the Squire，“don't mind them，my dear；thereare many things better worth looking at here．” As onwards they passed， every step brought to view some spectacle equally curious and new；and the joy of the youth hardly knew any bounds， at the roped ancers， tumblers， and merry gorounds．
As soon as the tour of the town was completed， the fatherre solved that the boy should be treated； so， pausing an instant，he said，“My dear son， a new era today in your life has begun；now of all this bright scene and the gayeties in it，choose whatever you like，it is yours from this minute．”“Choose whatever I like？” cried the jouthful recluse．“O， thank you，dear father， then give me—a goose！”
38．乡绅
从前，在诺丁汉郡的一个美丽的小村庄里住着一位可敬的绅士。他玩起体育竞技游戏来比所有的朋友都高强，过的日子绝不是苦行僧式的。不管是福是祸，他娶了个妻。结果她脾气奇坏，成了个难以忍受的灾星。终于，她在产下一玲珑佳儿后死去，乡绅先生的万分欣喜自是不可言传。人不时会突发奇想。这位父亲决定亲自督察儿子年幼的头脑的启蒙，务必使他接触的都是男性，绝不留下余地萌生更温柔的感情。“倘我从不曾见过女人，”他常常叹息道，“全国的乡绅里谁人能有我快活！”那男孩聪明、活泼而又通达事理，异常地喜欢学习。从不因小孩子的胡闹而分心；从没有明亮的眸子，或狠心的小妞，或被谓之“妩媚表亲”、半似姐妹的放肆尤物突然出现在他面前。到最后，这位非同寻常、出类拔萃的儿子终于度过了21个年头。
父亲决定，他的前途无量的儿子在21岁时应该结束学业。于是他满心激动地带领年轻人启航进入汹涌的人生之海。当他们进城时，正有一少女款款经过，腮如玫瑰，眼笑流波。“哦，父亲，那是什么？”当那可爱身影闯入他的眼帘时，年轻人快乐地喊道。“噢，那个，”谨慎而讲究谋略的乡绅根本不赞赏儿子热烈的目光，于是大声说，“不过区区一笨鹅而已，我亲爱的孩子，我们一路还会见到很多的。”
携奶油乳酪的如花少女络绎而过，就是隐士也会被她们的美丽打动。“不过是些笨鹅！”乡绅道，“我儿不必放在心上，此间有许多事物更值得一观呢。”他们继续前行，每一步都见到同样新奇有趣的景象，年轻人看到走绳索的，翻斤斗的，和旋转木马等等，其乐也无穷。
小城之行一结束，父亲就决定要款待儿子。于是，他停顿片刻后说，“我亲爱的儿子，今日起你的生活开始了一个新的时期。现在，在所有这眩目景象及种种赏心乐事中，选出你最喜爱的，你立刻就能得到它。”“由我任意选择？”年轻的隐居者大叫，“啊，谢谢你了，父亲，那就给我一只笨鹅吧！”
Long ago, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful young girl.
She was very sad. Her mother had died and her father had married again. His new wife had two ugly daughters, Esmerelda and Griselda.
Soon after, her father also died and life immediately changed for the girl.
"You will be our servant, "said her stepmother. "You will do everything we say."
"You must sleep in the kitchens, by the fire," said the stepsisters.
After tending the fire, and cooking and leaning, the girl's clothes were very dirty. She was called to clear away dishes.
"There are cinders all over your clothes!" exclaimed the stepmother. "Cinders for Cinderella. That's your new name. Clear these things away, Cinderella."
"Cinderella! Cinderella!" sang Esmerelda and Griselda. "Oh, how clever you are, Mama!"
Cinderella had to work very hard, as all the other servants were dismissed.
One day, an invitation arrived from the palace.
"Girls, listen to this," said the stepmother. Cinderella was serving the breakfast. She listened as her stepmother read the invitation.
"The King is having a ball," she said, excitedly. "He is looking for a wife for the Prince! Oh, my dears, this is wonderful. He will probably choose one of you, but it will be such a hard choice to make.
"Am I invited too, stepmother?" asked Cinderella.
"You! Certainly not!" exclaimed her stepmother. "The thought of such a thing. A scruffy servant going to a ball, when only beautiful ladies are invited!"
"Hah! Hah!" laughed the stepsisters. "Beautiful! That doesn't include you, Cinderella!"
"You may help my two lovely girls to get ready," said her stepmother.
"Oh," said Cinderella, sadly.
"We shall all have new dresses, girls, and we shall go shopping today. Clear away these things, Cinderella."
'Oh, I wish I could go to the ball,' thought Cinderella.
The day of the ball arrived and the whole day was spent preparing Esmerelda and Griselda. Cinderella did her best to make the sisters look pretty, but it was an impossible task.
Finally, the coach arrived to collect the girls and their mother.
Cinderella was very tired and she wandered back to the kitchens.
"Oh, I did so want to go," she sighed as she sat down by the fire.
"What's to stop you?" asked a voice.
"Who's that?" asked Cinderella, looking around.
"I'm here by the door." A strange woman walked up to Cinderella. "I heard you the other day, wishing you could go to the ball. Well, the ball
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