Sample Work
Praise
The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
I cannot thank you enough for editing my essay. You took what I said, kept the same tone and modified it to make it sound great!! I will keep you posted on how I make out with my graduate school applications.
Unedited Version:
Question: Describe your interest in animal issues; why do you want to pursue a Masters of Science in Animals and Public Policy? What do you feel this program will give you?
It didn’t happen in one day. I look back, and try to determine the month or year when I started to see things differently but I can’t pin down any specific time or event. Was it when I first read Jane Goodall’s “In the Shadow of Man”? Or in junior high when talk of endangered species, habitat loss, acid rain, and ozone layer depletion became common knowledge? Did it occur when I had to euthanize my first litter of kittens because of pet overpopulation? When I saw David Suzuki give a live talk on deforestation and our ecological foot print? Was it when in college I learned the truth about how we farm our food? I don’t know but somewhere along the way recycling pop bottles, not using aerosol cans and making sure my animals were neutered and well cared for wasn’t enough.
All of my experiences have helped me grow into who I am today. Animals have always been a large part of my life. I grew up in rural Canada as an only child for the first six years of my life and my pets were my constant companions. I played make believe not with dolls or other little girls but with the barn cats, who were nice enough to tolerate the dresses and baby carriages. My sheep dog Charlie treated me as one of his flock and was constantly moving me from place to place as he saw fit. When my sister and cousins were born they became part of my circle of friends but Charlie and all the others were never excluded. I thought everyone loved animals.
My first experience with animal cruelty came when I was in grade four. Some older kids took one of my classmates tied him to a tree and tortured his kitten in front of him. I still remember the description of the torture from the newspaper. The kitten had sticks shoved trough his body and his eyes had been gouged out. I cried for weeks afterwards. I don’t know what happened to the two boys who perpetrated this awful deed. Unfortunately, I fear that most likely it was treated as a case of boys will be boys.
Since then I have seen first hand the many atrocities committed to animals while I worked at an SPCA. Dogs dragged behind snowmobiles, cats with their limbs frozen off, horses starved to death and innumerable puppies and kittens thrown away like so much garbage. I became very committed to helping to stop the abuse. I helped with fund-raising and wrote letters protesting the unfair treatment of animals.
While earning my B.Sc. in Agriculture I learned that the family farm was an ideal of the past. Farming is big business. Overcrowding, antibiotic and pesticide use, clearcutting of the rainforest are all the result of factory farming. For reasons of personal health and environmental protection, I made the decision to eat only free range meat. This proved to be difficult because it was often hard to obtain in small quantities and quite expensive for a student. Finally because the cost became prohibitive, and so much of the literature on animal welfare and the environmental movement supported vegetarianism, I decided to seriously give it a try. This may have been the most difficult thing I had ever done. I loved meat. Nothing tasted better than a bloody rare barbecued steak or deliciously greasy bacon. I eventually managed to master my cravings, though in the beginning I did have my doubts. It took me two full years to become a lacto-ovo vegetarian.
Though I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian my newfound concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction. I had from the time I was a very little girl known exactly what I wanted. Now suddenly I was unsure. It was very daunting. Not wanting to take a year off school I decided I would take some graduate courses and see where that led me. I was no better off. Nothing stirred my passion. So I took a year off to work and regroup. A few months ago, I came across a poster for the Master of Science in Animals and Public Policy. I though it was too good to be true. It was exactly what I was looking for but thought didn’t exist anywhere.
I still wish to pursue veterinary medicine but this program will allow me to develop my interest in an area that has become all important to me. I want people to open their eyes and remember the wonder we felt as children when we saw our first giraffe. We have all become too blase to the beauty that surrounds us. I want to help preserve what’s left. I want cases of animal abuse treated as the serious crimes they are. I want us to acknowledge our kinship with animals and to stop treating them as objects to use and discard as our whims dictate. I believe that one person can make a difference and through this program could help me accomplish many of my goals.
Our world is spiraling out of control. Were losing species of plants and animals forever before we even knew they existed. Today my friends ask me how I go on caring so much about so many issues? The real question is how can we go on not caring?
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Critique
Dear XXX,
The essay is colorful and comprehensive -- I am impressed by your ability to enumerate your qualifications for the program while rendering the essay clear and easy to read (almost story-like). The text did have a few weak points: here and there the grammar and phrasing were awkward; a couple of transitional passages were too abrupt or missing; and the conclusion was a bit too abstract.
In your note you mention you are looking for a title; this is highly unnecessary in an application essay. If you are going to print out the page on a separate sheet of paper, simply include the question in italics at the top and then follow with the text.
The word count right now is 920; some of the corrections required expansion of the text, so unless something else comes up that you feel you absolutely must include, don''t worry about "filling it in" to meet the exact word count. I did note a few points where you might want to add information to make the passages more concrete (more on this later).
I have made notes on the more substantial changes and suggestions and will write them out here below, point by point.
As for the minor changes, we concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most vivid and interesting ideas, and making the logic of your ideas stand out clearer. We rephrased passages that contained slightly awkward English, eliminated phrases or sentences that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and varied the vocabulary to render the text more lucid and interesting.
1. RE: INTRODUCTION. I transformed two of the questions into a statement, because there were too many questions in a row and that made the rhythm uninteresting. By varying sentence structure, you still have an opening that is compelling and vivid yet doesn''t bog the reader down in a swamp of interrogatives.
2. RE: THE SENTENCE "Though I’ve always wanted to be a veterinarian, my newfound concern for animal issues and the environment were pulling me in another direction." I altered this section because, although you were right in trying to tie the two paragraphs together with a transitional sentence, the logic wasn''t terribly clear. Your activism, after all, is very much *complementary* to your vegetarianism. I rephrased the passage so as to maintain the transitional quality of the sentence while highlighting the positive (i.e. complementary) aspect of the two activities.
3. RE: GRADUATE COURSES. This is something you might add in a word or two. What were the graduate courses in? Agriculture? It''s best to make clear that the courses themselves weren''t in the same field you hope to study at Tufts -- because you state you were uninspired by them. So make sure you eliminate any suspicion the reader might have by including the subject of those courses.
4. RE: YEAR OFF WORK EXPERIENCE. Here is something else you might also add in a word or two. Where did you work during your year off? I thought it was perhaps the SPCA, but that came so early on in the piece that it''s very unclear what you did during your year off. State that clearly, especially if it''s animal-related.
5. RE: MISSING TRANSITION: You needed a transition between stuff on farming and your decision to become a vegetarian, because the change of topic there seemed abrupt. I rephrased it to make the transition smoother.
6. RE: VET MEDICINE: Do you plan to pursue vet medicine after you finish the program? That''s what I assumed, but if it''s not, make sure your intent reads clearly.
7. RE: CONCLUSION: Along the same line, the one line of argument that seemed to be missing was the connection between veterinary science and policy. Apart from the obvious fact that through both activities you would be helping animals, it wasn''t very clear from the original essay how you planned to eventually combine these two educations. I addressed this by connecting the two with the following sentence:
"By understanding and shaping animal welfare policy, I believe that I will be able to leverage my knowledge of veterinary medicine to make a powerful case in defense of animal rights."
If you already have a clear idea of the type of job or day-to-day activity that you think you''ll end up pursuing (i.e. have a veterinary practice but also work as a consultant for the SPCA), you might want to explain that in more detail. But that''s highly optional; the essay, as it stands, at least makes the connection between the two programs more concrete.
8. RE: CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH. OK, I scrapped it. It was too abstract and dreamy. On the cheesy side. It''s best not too wax poetic right at the end, especially when the body of your essay is already both colorful and persuasive. By wrapping up with the previous paragraph, the text doesn''t just peter out -- it ends on a concrete and memorable note. As a result, the entire essay feels tighter and more cohesive.
Congratulations on a great job and a very interesting career, and best of luck with the application process.
Regards,
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Edited Essay:
Describe your interest in animal issues; why do you want to pursue a Masters of Science in Animals and Public Policy?; What do you feel this program will give you?
It didn''t happen in one day. When I look back and try to pinpoint the moment when I started to see things differently, too many events come to mind. Was it when I first read Jane Goodall''s "In the Shadow of Man"? Or in junior high, when talk of endangered species, habitat loss, acid rain, and ozone layer depletion became commonplace? Did it occur when I had to euthanize my first litter of kittens because of pet overpopulation? There are other possibilities: when I saw David Suzuki give a live talk on deforestation and our ecological foot print, for instance, or during college, when I learned about the harmful effects of large-scale farming.
Somewhere along the way, I realized that I needed to do more than merely recycle pop bottles, avoid aerosol cans, and make sure my animals were neutered and well cared for. All of these experiences have helped me develop the awareness that drives me today. Animals have always played a significant role in my life. I grew up in rural Canada as an only child for the first six years of my life, and during that time my pets were my constant companions. I played make-believe not with dolls or other little girls, but with the barn cats, who were nice enough to tolerate the dresses and baby carriages. My sheep dog Charlie treated me as one of his flock, herding me from place to place as he saw fit. When my sister and cousins were born, they became part of my circle of friends, but Charlie and the other animals were never excluded from our games. I simply assumed everyone loved animals as much as I did.
My first experience with animal cruelty came when I was in fourth grade. Two older kids with a sadistic streak tied one of my classmates to a tree and tortured his kitten in front of him. I still remember the description of the torture from the newspaper: the kitten had sticks shoved trough his body, and his eyes had been gouged out. I cried for weeks afterwards. I don''t know what happened to the two boys, but I suspect that the incident was treated as yet another case of "boys will be boys."
Since then, I have since witnessed first-hand many other atrocities committed against animals while working at an SPCA. Dogs dragged behind snowmobiles, cats with their limbs frozen off, horses starved to death, and innumerable puppies and kittens thrown away like so much garbage. Determined to help stop the abuse, I became involved with activism and policy, assisting in fund-raising activities and writing letters protesting the unfair treatment of animals.
While earning my B.Sc. in Agriculture, I learned that the family farm was an ideal of the past. Farming has become big business, and the results of large-scale operations include overcrowding, antibiotic and pesticide use, and clearcutting of the rainforest. Knowing that I had to contribute to environmental protection on a personal level, I made the decision to eat only free range meat. Limiting my meat consumption proved no easy task, since free range meat is often hard to obtain in small quantities and prohibitively expensive for a student. Finally, convinced by the literature on animal welfare and the environmental movement supporting complete abstinence from meat consumption, I decided to give vegetarianism a try. Giving up meat was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Nothing tasted better than a bloody rare barbecued steak or strips of deliciously greasy bacon, yet I knew that proper policy-making had to start with personal sacrifices. It took me two full years to master my cravings and become a lacto-ovo vegetarian.
Vegetarianism complemented my ever-increasing interest in animal issues and environmentalism. I have known, from the time I was a little girl that I want to be a veterinarian, but my newfound concern for policy suddenly opened up several new doors. At first, the abundance of possibilities was daunting. Not wanting to take a year off school, I decided to enroll in a few graduate courses and see where they led me. I was no better off: nothing stirred my passion. As a result, I took a year off to work and regroup. A few months ago, I came across a poster for the Master of Science in Animals and Public Policy. I though it was too good to be true: the program seemed to match my background, interest and aspirations perfectly. I had no idea such a program actually existed.
I still plan to pursue veterinary medicine, but XXX''s program will allow me to develop my interest in an area that has become all-important to me. My interest in animal welfare, after all, is not restricted to helping individual animals: I believe that I can complement my veterinary practice by opening people''s eyes and helping them remember the wonder we feel as children seeing our first giraffe. We have become dangerously blasé about the beauty that surrounds us, and I believe that, in order to preserve what is left, cases of animal abuse must be treated as serious crimes. By understanding and shaping animal welfare policy, I believe that I will be able to leverage my knowledge of veterinary medicine to make a powerful case in defense of animal rights. I believe that one person can make a difference, and I have no doubt that XXX''s program is the most efficient way for me to attain my objective.