Sample Work
Praise
The below edit and critique earned this comment from the customer:
Thanks for your awesome work on my essay!!! At first I was a little skeptical about your services, but now I am a true believer in you. In the beginning my essay was lifeless and ugly, and now it''s full of life with a true mark of individuality. Thanks again!
Unedited Version:
Submit a statement of purpose, indicating your academic interests and life experiences that have contributed to your long-term career goals.
Ngugi wa Thiong''o, an influential Kenyan author and NYU professor, introduced me to the study of African literature with a statement that continues to be the impetus of my academic goals and interests. During one of his Postcolonial African Literature classes, he stated that by adopting reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, a civilization is truly freeing itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality to have significance. A first-year undergraduate with a blind faith and deep passion for literature, I always cherished the idea that the written word has the ability to alter individual lives, to shape one''s own identity and potentially, national identity. With Professor Ngugi''s statement, however, I was confronted with the notion of literature not as an agent of vital change, but as a potential instrument of stasis and social stagnancy, and I began to question. How does "literature" function away from the written page, in the lives of individuals and societies? Furthermore, what is the significance of the written word in a society where the construction of history is not necessarily recorded or even linear?
Driven to examine these issues, I found that the general scope of comparative literature fell short of my expectations because it didn''t allow students to question the inherent integrity or subjectivity of their discourse. We were told to approach Asian, African, European, and American texts with the same tools of analysis, ignoring the fact that within each culture (and numerous subcultures), literature may function in a different capacity and with a completely different sense of urgency. Seeking out ways in which literature tangibly impacted societies therefore led me naturally into other fields, including history, philosophy, anthropology, language, and performance studies. I believe the nature of this work is best represented in my independently-researched senior thesis entitled "Time Out of Joint: Issues of Temporality in the Songs of Okot p''Bitek," which, in addition to my own literary interpretations, drew heavily on p''Bitek''s cultural treatises and outside anthropological, psychological and philosophical works. This interdisciplinary direction helped me to understand not only the meaning of the literary works themselves, but what I believe is more important, it gave me insight into the state of the Ugandan society and popular psychology that gave birth to the horrific Idi Amin regime. In addition, I was able to realize how people interacted with the works and incorporated or failed to incorporate them into their individual, social and political realities.
In the future, I seek to continue exploring these issues by integrating the study of social, cultural and linguistic anthropology into the realm of literature. In doing so, I believe methods of inquiry can be developed which will allow interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful. My studies thus far have concentrated largely on African and Caribbean literatures in general terms, and I am very interested in studying these parts of the world in more specific national historical and cultural contexts. I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages as a tool to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern day African literatures written in European languages. My faith in the tangible power of the written word that led me into the study of literature as a young student is my driving force today and will be for the foreseeable future. My ultimate goal is to gain the knowledge and tools necessary to illuminate that power to others.
I believe the Modern Thought and Literature program at Stanford is uniquely positioned to guide me in reaching these aims. I was thrilled to find a program that approaches world literature with a cross-disciplinary focus, recognizing that the written word has the potential to be an entry point for social and cultural inquiry. The level of scholarly work that the department has produced also excites me about my hopeful future there. In particular, the work of Akhil Gupta, especially in Culture, Power, Place, was one of my first and most important experiences with the field of cultural anthropology. His complicating of the traditionally drawn local, national and foreign realms through the discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications first led me to believe that comparative literature''s focus on national and linguistic borders was fairly arbitrary in the modern world. Much more significant is the accurate rendering of individual lived realities that may then be synthesized with other experiences. I believe that I could greatly benefit from his teaching and guidance in applying these ideas to the literary arena. I am also eager to learn from many other scholars in the department, contribute to a vital academic and practical discourse, and venture down paths that I may, as yet, not have imagined.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Critique
Dear XXX,
You are, no doubt, a strong and vivid writer, yet the essay did indeed contain a few weak points, as well as a number of information gaps.
The personal statement was structurally solid, but your tendency to "over-write" sentences times obscured the meaning of what you were trying to express. You managed to pack a lot of information into the piece; my job, then, was to draw on this information in order to clarify your ideas by both refining your language and shoring up your arguments.
Regarding the info gaps: there were a number of questions that popped into my head as I read your essay. Naturally, the answers to some of these will be clear from the remainder of your application, but as a rule of thumb (and for the sake of clarity) it''s best to make the essay as self-contained and thorough as possible.
When did you graduate, and what have you been doing since? Why did you take this job? How does this experience relate to your academic experiences and goals? What degree program are you applying to? Why do you want to pursue this degree? Do you want to become a professor?
In revising your essay, I attempted to blend in answers to these questions into the text. I left blanks here and there where you should fill in simple facts, but in general I tried to extrapolate answers from your note and original essay.
Elsewhere, rather than make radical (and unnecessary) structural changes, I concentrated on refining your language, highlighting your most interesting ideas, and streamlining the logic of your arguments. Many of these changes are quite subtle, but they have a powerful impact on the overall flow of the text.
I rephrased passages that contained awkward English, eliminated words that seemed extraneous or repetitive, and in a couple of spots varied the vocabulary and the length of sentences.
I took notes on the more substantial changes (they do not reflect nearly all the changes), as well as certain passages that you might want to consider elaborating on (by paragraph):
NOTES
General
Some of the paragraphs were unnecessarily long. I broke them up into separate paragraphs.
P1
RE: " He argued that, when a civilization adopts reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, it truly frees itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality in order to have significance."
You might want to consider rewriting this sentence to make the meaning a little clearer -- I found it rather confusing, perhaps because you are trying to convey an epiphany involving a rather complicated concept in a single sentence. This might, of course, be not much of a problem for an academic well-versed in such theories, but in general it''s good to set layman''s comprehension as your standard for clear writing.
P4
Are you sure you don''t need to identify p''Bitek? Is it safe to assume that your readers will all know who he is?
P5
I added a paragraph. As I mentioned earlier, what was missing in the essay was your take on your work experience, and the challenge there was how to bridge the gap from your otherwise highly theoretical/academic explanations with the more concrete stuff (especially why you left academe to work for a while, and why you now want to go back to the books). I tried to make the transition smooth by connecting the two ideas, especially at the beginning of this paragraph. Since I have no idea what you have done since you graduated, or for how long, I simply plugged in randomly made-up info. ( Well, not so random, actually -- it''s what I myself used to do before I left my own dynamic, high-pay-prospects job to attend grad school.)
P6
RE: "...methods of inquiry can be formulated that allow for the interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful"
This part of the sentence was very confusing. Do you mean that the *interpretation* itself would be technically sound and sociologically insightful, or that those methods of inquiry would allow for the interpretation of sound, insightful works? If you mean the latter, why do you need to characterize the words as sound and insightful? Shouldn''t the emphasis be on the quality of the interpretation?
Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but it gives you a sense of how badly the phrase needs clarification.
RE: "I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages, which will allow me to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern day African literatures written in European languages."
This sentence was also confusing. If you are going to study literature written in European languages, why do you want to learn African languages? I have no doubt you need both, but there seems to be a contradiction within the sentence itself.
RE: "My faith in the tangible power of the written word that led me into the study of literature as a young student is my driving force today and will be for the foreseeable future. My ultimate goal is to gain the knowledge and tools necessary to illuminate that power to others."
Too vague, too vague. What if we just take those sentences out? You''ve already made the point.
P7
RE: "His complicating of the traditionally drawn local, national and foreign realms through the discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications first led me to believe that comparative literature''s focus on national and linguistic borders was fairly arbitrary in the modern world"
A great example of an over-complicated sentence. Some of the phrasing is a bit awkward. What do you mean, for instance, by Gupta''s complicating? Is there a better way to phrase this?
Same for "the traditionally drawn": I''m not sure what you mean. I''ll venture below an interpretation of the sentence:
"Professor Gupta''s analysis of the local, national, and foreign realms, achieved through a discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications, has led to me believe that -- given the complexity of modern societies --comparative literature''s focus on borders (national and linguistic) has been excessively arbitrary."
But please make sure to revise if my interpretation is completely off-target.
In the revised version, the logic of the text is clearer, the narrative is more complete, and your arguments are better structured -- without having sacrificed the persuasive tone and efficient analysis of your writing.
Best luck with the admissions process.
Regards,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited Essay:
My freshman year [at which college?], I was sitting in a Postcolonial African Literature class when Professor Ngugi wa Thiong''o (the influential Kenyan author) succeeded in attracting me to the study of African literature through nothing more than a single sentence. He argued that, when a civilization adopts reading and writing as the chief form of social communication, it frees itself to forget its own values, because those values no longer have to be part of a lived reality in order to have significance. I was immediately fascinated by the idea that the written word can alter individual lives, affect one''s identity, and perhaps even shape national identity.
Professor Ngugi''s proposal forced me to think in a radically new way: I was finally confronted with the notion of literature not as an agent of vital change, but as a potential instrument of stasis and social stagnancy. I began to question the basic assumptions with which I had, until then, approached the field. How does "literature" function away from the written page, in the lives of individuals and societies? What is the significance of the written word in a society where the construction of history is not necessarily recorded or even linear?
I soon discovered that the general scope of comparative literature fell short of my expectations because it didn''t allow students to question the inherent integrity or subjectivity of their discourse. We were being told to approach Asian, African, European, and American texts with the same analytical tools, ignoring the fact that, within each culture, literature may function in a different capacity, and with a completely different sense of urgency. Seeking out ways in which literature tangibly impacted societies, I began to explore other fields, including history, philosophy, anthropology, language, and performance studies.
The interdisciplinary nature of my work is best illustrated by my senior thesis ("Time Out of Joint: Issues of Temporality in the Songs of Okot p''Bitek"). In addition to my literary interpretations, the thesis drew heavily on both the Ugandan author''s own cultural treatises and other anthropological, psychological, and philosophical texts. By using tools from other disciplines, I was able to interpret the literary works while developing insight into the Ugandan society and popular psychology that gave birth to the horrific Idi Amin regime. In addition, I was able to further understand how people interacted with the works and incorporated (or failed to incorporate) them into their individual, social, and political realities.
On a more practical level, writing the thesis also confirmed my suspicion that I would like to pursue an academic career. When I finished my undergraduate career, I felt that a couple of years of professional work would give me a better perspective of graduate school. I decided to secure a position which would grant me experiences far removed from the academic world, yet which would also permit me to continue developing the research and writing skills I needed to tackle the challenges of graduate school. I have fulfilled this goal by working as a [content developer] at a [Silicon Alley web start-up] for [two years]. The experience has been both enjoyable and invaluable -- to the point where colleagues glance at me with a puzzled look when I tell them I am leaving the job to return to school. In fact, my willingness to leave such a dynamic, high-paying job to pursue my passion for literature only reflects my keen determination to continue along the academic path.
Through a [Masters] program, I plan to further explore the issues I confronted during my undergraduate years by integrating the study of social, cultural, and linguistic anthropology into the realm of literature. I believe that, by adopting tools used in such disciplines, methods of inquiry can be formulated that allow for the interpretation of works that are both technically sound and sociologically insightful. Thus far, my studies have concentrated largely on African and Caribbean literatures, and I am particularly interested in studying these geographic areas in more specific historical and cultural contexts. I also seek to increase my knowledge of African languages, which will allow me to study the lingering cultural impact of colonialism in modern-day African literature. Eventually, I would like to secure an academic post in a Comparative Literature department, devoting myself to both research and teaching at the college level.
I believe the Modern Thought and Literature program at XXX is uniquely equipped to guide me toward these objectives. While searching for a graduate school that would accommodate my interdisciplinary approach, I was thrilled to find a program that approaches world literature with a cross-disciplinary focus, recognizing that the written word has the potential to be an entry point for social and cultural inquiry.
The level of scholarly research produced by the department also attracts me. Akhil Gupta''s "Culture, Power, Place", for instance, was one of my first and most influential experiences with the field of cultural anthropology. Professor Gupta''s analysis of the local, national, and foreign realms, achieved through a discussion of post-colonial displacement and mixed identifications, has led me to believe that -- given the complexity of modern societies -- comparative literature''s focus on borders (national and linguistic) has been excessively arbitrary. Even more significant is the accurate rendering of individually-lived realities that may then be synthesized with other experiences. I believe that I could greatly benefit from Professor Gupta''s teaching and guidance in applying these ideas to the literary arena, and I believe that his work is representative of the rigorous yet creative approach I would pursue upon joining the department.