I really feel sorry to present such a stupid question when I am typing. But...
I was 29 years old when I left my hometown which filled with all my happiness and sorrows last year. I am a divorcee, but the real problem is I have a lovely child who is, just like the words always said by mothers, the best in this world. "He is my all!" I said to myself each time when I watched him, and now I say the same words to myself when he looks at me with his sweet smile in his pictures. "He is innocent, how cruel I will be if I leave him and make him alone facing the storm since he is still so weak, I am the mother, I have the responsibility!" … Till the year I was 29 years old, a voice reminded me that it would be too late if I still didn't make a decision, it can not afford any delay. Where did the voice come from? I don't know either. All the people, include my parents, relatives and friends, surprised when I told them my decision-I will leave. "But why? Since you have endured so many years without any complaint. …Perhaps, you may have found another lover already?" said my mother , the closest person to me with whom together I lived near thirty years, full of suspicious. I felt sad, if it was necessary to find answers for all these questions? Whatever it was, I could say nothing about them at that time and, to a certain extent, I was quiet confused by myself, the only words I can say was "I have no time already, maybe it is late."
The past is a burden which reminds me now and again of the hardship of being a human, but I felt full of energy each time when I dreamed that one day in the future I may be a successful one after my hard work and since then I will have the capability to live with my son for ever. Then I went to a college...
It's true that I was too late. I am the eldest one in my class and, just like one of my friends said in fun one day( although she didn't know the real age of me ): "I feel it seems there is a gap of generation between us!" But all these uncomfortable are affordable since I have enough preparation, and I finished my fist year's study successfully. Then the problem appears. It seems the English words are limitless, I have always so many new words to deal with. At the same time, I realize that even though I have solved the problem of new words, I still haven't done well because I can't use them correctly. Just like the words someone said "The more I learn, the less I know." Bit by bit, I lost my confidence...How long the way will be to become a adept English user?
Yet another disillusion comes from my parents. " How can you go to internet cafe, if it is true that you spend all your time on your study and have no spare time?" asked my mother in deep distrust one day when she found I had been to net bar. "I can't imagine that you are still so childish that willing to believe the things in internet, maybe you can also accept such things like net-lover I guess!" roared my father when he was told that I contributed money for a plan of planting trees in my hometown which was according to the message I got from the internet...
I made a wrong decision seven years ago which caused a wrong marriage in against my parents willing, that's true. But I'm always sincere and frank when facing them and I haven't even made a lying to them, that's also true. Is that possible that one mistake can offset all the trust built in near thirty years? Despite all the difficulties, I'm the most excellent student in my class, does it still need other words to prove my efforts? And if thirty years is not enough to build trust and understanding between I and the world, what is remained for me to do?
The real world is more and more cold, no one cares whom you are and where you are come from. Walking alone on the foreign land, I just like a unnecessary-"The world would still in its turn even if I were absent." If the existence of me is only a symbol of worry and burden for my parents, if my son can also live well without me, then, why I am living since there are only sorrows and pressure in the world?--I do know it is condemnable to think so, but I'm deep in it during these days. Someone told me that no one can help me except myself, but I can not go on really. I feel so tired.
I envy the grasses growing here and there on the weirs, it seems their good fortune to be a life without a heart…
What's wrong with me??
Orchid