Tomorrow we will “officially” be finished with the book “Catcher in the Rye”. This novel had given me a bad expression at my first reading, but as I go on reading, I started to like the main character, Holden Caulfield, because though how much I want to ignore it, I’m very much like Holden.
I’m not someone who likes swearing and cursing, but sometimes I still use these words. All of my teachers think I’m a good girl that will never say something horrible like those words, but I did, and I’ve said them several times. Why? You asked me why did I say those words if I don’t like them? I do not know. I guess it’s because of the years I spent around people who say these all the time. Though I tell myself it’s bad to learn these words, my mind still picks them up like a machine. And when I’m in a frustrating situation, my mouth will automatically produce these words, though I seldom say the original form. I use “shoot”, “darn” or words like that, but sometimes when I’m cornered, I will say bad words. Holden does not seeing “f” words on the wall in his younger sister, Phoebe’s school, but he uses “damn”, “shit”, etc. all the time throughout the novel.
That is the first point where I showed myself as another Holden. But here’s some more.
Holden is a guy who wants attention and love. He thinks no one cares about him, though that’s not true. He is kind of an isolated person, where he lives in his own world. I, in the other hand, have all the fame I could get in my early life. Starting as a primary kid, I’ve tried almost all the ranks in the class. These give me responsibilities and hard work, but the fame I get are worthwhile my efforts. Later as I went to Singapore, my name is a well known among my primary school and secondary school Chinese teachers. I’ve attended a lot of school, district, and national Chinese competitions and had won several medals and trophies home. Some are kept by school, some are kept by myself. In secondary school, I’ve also been a prefect, which allowed me further training on leadership. In total, I’ve been a very successful student. But as I came to US, I realized all those fame I’ve earned were nothing to Americans. They don’t care what you were, they care about what you are now, and what you will be in the future. By the way, so what if I’ve earned a place for myself in China and Singapore? It can do nothing for me in US, for I have to start over if I want to remain as a well-known person.
I do not want attention, but I want love. I know my parents love me, all parents love their children, don’t they? But I’m insecure, I need people to tell me they love me from time to time, for I may panic and start thinking towards the bad side. My father have always been busy because of his work, though our relationship improves a bit, we are still not very close. My mother is very close to me, for she has been a friend of mine since the day I could remember. But sometimes she tries to control me too much. She says it’s because if I don’t learn the way to behave now, I could never change my bad habits when I’m older. But I ask you: how could you change a child that already has very much freedom? Starting from primary school, I’ve been left at home alone for hours after school, because my mother could not be home until 6pm, and my father was the same. I’m left to do my own things, to have my own decisions, and to have my own ideas. If I put it in a bad way, I’ve been left wild too long to be tamed now. I’m a teenager, for God’s sake! Teenagers are rebellious to the point, and I am a “hard-to-tame horse” that could not turn gentle in such a short time.
Apart from my personality, my mother cares too much about my grades. All these years I’ve tried so hard to be a good student, an A student. Yes, I’ve succeeded. I’m always the top 10 of class, but it gives me a lot of pressure too. I cannot watch TV during the weekdays, even they are English shows. If I’m online too long, my mother will shout at me until I leave. She’s behind my ass telling me about why I should study, and why I should put all my efforts into school works every day. Every single day, imagine, listening to someone telling you the same thing over and over. I know what I want, I know my dreams, I know what I must do in order to have my dreams come true. But hey, I need a break. When was the last time you see me truly smile? When was the last time you see me as a child? When was the last time someone says I’m still a child, not that I’m a very matured girl and has wisdom beyond my years? I think it was a long time ago since you’ve heard all these comments.
Holden is losing his childhood. He wants to remain as a child for he dislikes the phoniness and cruelty of society. I’ve lost my childhood a long time ago, but I want to remain as a child too, for I never had a childhood as long as others. Holden wants love, because no one cares about him, or so he thinks so. I want love, because my mother cares about me for other reasons, I want plain old love, some signs to show that she loves me, some signs to show that she not only cares about my grade, but my mental development too.
I remembered Holden saying he likes the auditorium in the museum, for it’s warm and cozy, and it feels like you are protected as the outside is raining dogs and cats. Well, I have my own too. My world is in the net, in papers, in books, in music. I go to HongEn, for it could make me feel wanted and loved and cared. I go to HongEn, for it is a place full of friendly people, it feels like a family. I write when I’m in deep thoughts. I write for I have a dream that I will never share with my mother, I write for the passion of my life, for the hope of my life. I read books, because I can forget about time when I’m reading. I’m in the world of book; I’m with the characters and experiencing what they are going through. I could feel a part of me when I read. I listen to music, for the lyrics speak of my heart and mind.
I’m another Holden, going through the process of growing up. I want to grab onto the few good memories I still possessed, but somehow I know that one day I will grow up. Just as I’ve always know that through something I will have a new understanding of life, and thus I will grow into an adult that could understand better of my mother. But right now, I’m just a kid, speaking of what I feel.
B.L.Dec 19, 2002
