I committed suicide! I took some poison and soon found myself lying on the ground, bitterly but happily.
When I was a little girl, I once looked at a knife and thought of death after experiencing some very sad tings that a seven year old could not bear. But I was so afraid of death that I gave up that crazy idea. Now over ten yen years have slipped away, I became so brave that I was not afraid of death.
Lying on the ground with pain in my stomach, I felt relief and happiness of death. I thought of nothing that could not be left behind. I was even happy for my dear parents, for they could raise another child who was most able to realize all their expectation and hope, and to take care of them when they get old. They are the only people in the world who deserve all the happiness and care. They would be so happy that they would forget me soon. I imagined what Heaven would be like. There would be no disillusion, no worry and anxiety, no hardship, no harsh word, and no expectation and pressure. It only had all the beautiful things in life. At the moment a strange feeling came up to me and little by little I felt hard to breathe and more pain all over my body. More strangely, unlike most people who end their lives desperately, I had no fear at all. Every thing in my mind was in peace. Thus I closed my eyes, as if I were to sleep, to have a wonderful dream, which angels and God would be in it.
Many of you may say I'm a coward. I'm so fragile that I fear what the future may bring to me. But you are all wrong! When I am not afraid of death, of what else on earth I am afraid? !
I closed my eyes, but I saw many beautifully colorful circles through a long tunnel. They hit my face and my body but I did not feel hurt. Then here came still darkness, nothing to be seen. Suddenly, I heard a voice talking to me. I listened, and it was telling a story.
It told of a man who was lost in a big, hot desert when he met a big sandstorm. He had lost all his backpacks which were packed with food and water. Only a green apple was left in his pocket. "I have an apple!" Said the man excitedly. Holding the apple in his hand, he walked, walked, and walked. Two days passed, and there were several times when he wanted to give up in hunger and thirst. But when he thought he still had the tasty apple, his strength was strengthened, and his steps were quickened. After three days, he finally walked out of the desert with the once green, tasty apple, which became dry and not tasty anymore, in his hand.
It is a good story, I thought, and it may be the story told to every one who is going up to Heaven. I became very sad, though, for I had given up my life. There was no "apple" for me to help me hold on in the desert of life. Or was there?
Suddenly, the voice stopped, and there came a light far away, in the end of the tunnel. Excited and delighted, I flew fast to it. It occurred to me that there would be Heaven, inside the light, welcoming me!
In one minute or two, I was tempted to open my eyes, and then what I saw amazed me. I saw people in white by my side, busy doing something on my body. One of them suddenly called out, "Look! She revives!" Then I realized I was not in Heaven, and they were not white angels, but in a hospital and people around me were doctors and nurses.
After a while, they left me alone in a room, where many medical devices hooked up to my body. I was revived, but that's not what I would appreciate. I had no "apple" in life, and I was overwhelmed by all the worries and discouragement and sophisticated relations between people. I was miserable, so I wanted to die immediately. I was not a coward, after all!
I was so weakly, but I somehow managed to get up from bed and to walked out of the hospital. I wandered on the street, pondering on how I was going to commit suicide once again. All the vehicles and people on the street dazzled me. I felt more weakly than ever. At this very moment, I saw two men running toward me, waving their hands to me. Scarcely had they stopped by me when they began to talk to me, in English!
Though I didn't feel like taking another step, I was brought to a big shopping mall. The two men never stopped talking in English when we wandered through the aisles. Afterward, they took me home and disappeared. I was lift up by their talking with me, but, when I thought of the dark side of life, I was hunted by suicide all over again.
David and Jane appeared in my house just in time, so I had to put off suicide for a while. They talked with me about all their troubles, and I was their good counselor. Then they disappeared. When I had a second thought on suicide, I heard a voice calling lovingly, "Jenny, don't you want to get up at this late hour?" It was so familiar. Who is calling? I thought. I opened up my eyes groggily, and my mother's face was before me, and outside the window the blue sky was looking at me.
It was a dream! A very strange dream, it was indeed!
After dressed I went outside to have some fresh morning air. It was a bright, sunny day, after a night's raining, and a cuckoo was singing in the gentle breeze. What had I discovered! I discovered the morning glory had been in bloom. Limpid dew on them, trumpet-shaped petals with purple and white glowed with the freshness and grace. They waved gently in the wind, and given a new life, they seemed to have as much energy as does a child. I looked at them, smiling, and they, too, looked as if to stare at me, smiling back with their half opened faces. An old man walked out from the apartment building with his grandson. I heard the little boy say, "Look, Grandpa, a big brother over there!" "No, boy, that's a sister." I smiled at the boy, and he frowned and ran away.
As I walked further along the path, Huzi, a dog of a neighbor, barked at me on his fourth floor balcony window. That dog dislikes me, but at the moment I thought he was a cuddly little creature. In fact, every thing I saw on that morning that was normal was new and nice to me, for I thought of the dream over and over again.
I seem to come to understand what a tasty "apple" I have.
Jenny
