When I was fifteen years old, my parents started the war of divorce because my mum found her soul mate in her work. By the way, my mum was forced to marry my father by her eldest brother whom was the head of the family when the father was dead. My mum and my father have 11 years age difference. It was unusual in the 60’s. During the marriage, she wasn’t happy. My father is a person whom put other people’s needs ahead of his own family needs. The order of his concern is: the others people (neighbors, colleagues or relatives), himself, and the family. Therefore, my father had very good reputation from the outsider. In my memory, he would fixed the neighbor’s pipe instead did his laundry (my grandma had to do it for him even when my grandma was more than 75 years old); fixed my relative’s cable when our lamp was broken; he would go to gamble when my grandma needed his help…In my memory, because he only came home to eat and sleep, my mum used to say, “It’s not his home, it’s his hotel.” Therefore, I never blame my mum for leaving my father. My father he didn’t understand that charity begins at home.
Base on the Chinese marriage law, if you have two children, each of you can get one child when you divorce. I understand my mom’s consideration. It would be easier for my mum to convince my brother to accept her man. I also understand my father. My brother is the only one will inherit the family name. It’s Chinese custom. Well, I understand now, not that moment. That moment I only knew nobody wanted me.
My mum took my brother with her when she left. During the separation, my father never came to see my mum, never called her, never spoke to her. My mum admitted that she would give up the divorce if my father came to apologize, showed his sincere, and took her home. My father was too proud of himself. Some men they feel it is a shame if you apologize to a woman. They don’t want to show any weakness in front of women.
In Chinese, divorce was new word in 80’s. When my neighbors knew that my parents were getting divorce, they were so gloated over my family’s misfortune. Everybody started showing his true color. People started talking behind us. Our story was the entertainment for them. Kids were laughed at me on my way home. The adults liked to tease me by my parents’ divorce.
The divorce was rejected at the first time, then my mom applied it to the supreme court. Once a while, my mum would call me out of the class to see the officer in the court. She would tell me what she wanted me to say. If she found out I didn’t tell what exactly she told, she would piss up. When my father found out what I said was disadvantageous to him, he would piss up. Once he threatened me that he was going to only offer me rice and fat meat since I never eat fat meat (I will throw up if there is a little bit fat in my mouth). I told this to the court. I wanted pity from others. It was really too much for a little girl to bear.
Beside these, my study was very good in the primary school. I had a lot fun in the school despite the discrimination. I would hang out with the other kids until mid-night since my grandma couldn’t control me any more. I become very wild. One of my friends’ mother forbade her play with me because I was the girl without parent’s guidance.
Anyhow, I was accepted by the best middle school in the city base on my high score. My relatives and the neighbors were so jealous and surprise because they all expected me down. And their well take cared children only could get in the ordinary schools.
The first year of my middle school was a disaster. Since it is the best school in the city, they have very high quality control and expectation. I was barely caught up my study. And thing was getting worse. I felt so embarrassing that dropping from the first ten students to the last ten students. I felt losing face. I blamed it to my family. The teachers in my middle school paid a lot attention on me because my special background. They tried their best to comfort me, to help me. And I wanted such attention too. But things didn’t get much better. In middle school, we use to have one-week reservation for students to prepare the final test by themselves. Since my neighbors were very noise, I decided that I would sleep in the daytime and study in the evening. This decision totally ruined my health. I lost all my appetites after over night study; I couldn’t keep alert when the second night comes… The whole week I neither slept well nor study well. You can imagine my test result. After that, I appeared psychological disorder. I always felt people were laughing at me behind my back. I became over sensitive. I became very sensitive to the sound. I didn’t want to talk to any body except a girl from a disable family. We have the different background but have the same sensitivity. The only difference was that I was sick and she was healthy. I didn’t know I was sick that moment though.
Another final test came again. Before the one-week reservation, the teacher in over-all charge of the class invited the squad leader and me to have a chat. I remembered in the meeting I mentioned about suicide. The squad leader said “If you kill yourself, you will disappoint your parents, your teachers, and people like me whom is here try to help you. And you should let us know before you make such decision.” I was quite upset when she used the word “disappoint”. Nobody could help me that moment. No matter how hard they tried. Nobody could touch the bottom of my heart.
In the one-week reservation, I still couldn’t find the proper way of study. I just couldn’t concentrate myself. I knew I would fail again. This kind of thought was tearing my heart. I didn’t want to face my teachers, my classmates…I had no face to see them if I didn’t have good grade. I went to a pharmacy asked for sleeping pill. The gentle man in the pharmacy asked me with concern: “Why do you want it?” “I have the sleeping problem.” “How many tablet are you going to take before you go to bed?” “One.” He finally sold the pill to me. (After a couple years, the government changed the law; you can’t buy the sleeping pill from the pharmacy any more.)
Before I took the pill, I wrote a letter to the squad leader with no appreciation. I wrote that I sent you this letter because you said I have to inform you. How ridiculous I was!
