Dear Caoxi,
It's a pleasure to read your post as it's plain that you are serious, and not just willing to entertain yourself during university by playing with feelings and sex.
Of course, the answer to your question is that some campus love will remain forever, and some will not stand the tests that come to it. From everything I've read here, the old saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," only works for a certain length of time. After that, absence becomes a void. As you know from physics, "nature abhors a vacuum." Someone, or something, will rush in to fill that void for one of you so far away from the other, and the romance will have "died on the vine."
So, your observation that it seems important to be able to meet once college is over, is very valid. Another thing that is valid is suitability. I wouldn't presume to suggest to you what is suitable, or unsuitable, in a prospective mate for life. [You know, I don't discuss any other kind of female/male relationships. :-) ] It is always safer and wiser to use your brains, as *you* are, and not to just use your feelings and emotions from the beginning. I notice too many people here hold the idea that "feelings" as almost sacred. They seem to think that "feelings" are everything, and also, that they have no control over their feelings or emotions. This is, emphatically, NOT true. This belief leads to a lot of grief for individuals, families and children, broken marriages and hearts.
In fact, the best thing to do is to "look before you leap." And that is not hard to do if you know what you must have, and what your family will not accept for you. I know that family is very important to you in China, so parental acceptance is important. I am a Baha'i, as many of you know, and parental acceptance is vital for us, too. So I know what I am talking about. I have asked for parental consent. I have given parental consent four times now. When Baha'is want to marry they must obtain the consent of all living natural parents. This is to knit families together in unity and friendship.
My own cousin, not a Baha'i, fell in love in university. She really never got over that love, either. Her father forbade her to marry the man because of the sect of Christianity to which he belonged. She ended up marrying a man who "was like a brother". Who was "always around as she grieved over the first." She didn't love him, really. She loved "Gene", whom she couldn't have. She obeyed her father, but the marriage to Will, the other man, broke up after some years. There were two daughters. Their mother was never really happy again and ended as an alcoholic who had burned out her short-term memory with alcohol, so that she, in her late 50's, needed to be kept in custodial care because she could get lost so easily, and also get into other troubles due to her memory problems. This cousin began as a "golden girl." Looks, education, money, established family, and much else, but she lost it all. Her mother died when she was 14. I think that also played a part in her needs in a husband, which were unmet. What if she had married Gene? Who knows? But she really loved him. That was plain.
So, it is very important to think before you let yourself really get emotionally involved. If not, you could end up with some kind of tragedy. About half of marriages end in divorce in Canada today. Find out about how the person was raised. Talk a lot with each other. Ask questions of each other. Consider if there is any important philosophical;, or religious, or political difference between you, that might affect your relationship and the raising of your children. Don't just do this with the one you think you could fall in love with. Do it from the beginning with anybody you decide to go out with more than once. Just make it your practise and keep doing it, and doing it, and doing it. If you come to a "no", then STOP. Make it a matter of course to watch, think, discuss, ask questions, observe. If things get deeper between you, be sure to find out about the family. How the person was raised. How do the parents get along together? How do they look and handle themselves? What about divorces in the family? What about the happiness of other family members, and in their marriages? I'm sure you can think about many other things you would need to know. It is my opinion that race and money don't come into this. What is at stake is the real character and quality, and how the person has been marked by family. Character is what carries a marriage through the inevitable hard times. There is no marriage without its hard times, no matter how much money or beauty or sexiness is involved. Those three things aren't what keep a good marriage together. They may be the icing on the cake, of course. But the real food is quality and character.
I can tell you that this works. I've been married to Ben for 47 years now and our marriage continues to grow closer and sweeter. This is how I did it. I even used to ask him trick questions to be sure I got the truth when we casually discussed this and that. I didn't let him know, of course!! I stopped going out with some men because I knew some obstacles existed that wouldn't make anything further work. I still think I was right about those obstacles.
I really love my Ben deeply. I didn't let myself go to fall in love with him until I knew him very well. It is also vital to marry a person who is "a fundamentally happy being." This is important. Under everything, there must be a happy soul that can bounce back. And be sure you know the character of the person. The "inner life and private character should mirror forth in their words and deeds." So, of course, should yours. :-) That isn't so hard learn about as you talk and learn each other. Keep your hands to yourselves, and your lips, too, while you get to know each other. If you do it this way, you are much more likely not to get trapped by your feelings and emotions. You will find that when you find the one who fits with you, the more you learn about them, and the more you hear from them, the more you like and respect this person. This can swiftly turn to love. Don't doubt that! :-)
If you have little money, but you find the very best possible person, and everything I've suggested is just right, then even if you are still in college, or just out of it, do your best to stay together and to persevere in getting parental approval till you can marry. It isn't true that there are soul mates, but a happily married couple turn into soul mates by living and loving together. This is a relationship that lasts through all the worlds of God. It is no small thing to find a good marriage partner and to have a good marriage, a unified family, and healthy, intelligent children who follow the good example of your footsteps through life, as they find their own way. It is possible to be in heaven in your heart and home and family, while still here in this difficult world, if you ask for help from the Great Being, and you think, and look before you leap.
Don't ever hook up with somebody because of fast, early passion. Learn how to govern yourself and your behaviour, by setting yourself some of what may now be called "old fashioned" rules, and follow them whether you want to, or not.
Warmly, and with affection and caring,
Mary
