Hi, all,
I recently read a short novel about the love and emotional experience of a girl and her boyfriend. It brings back here the judgment and discussion (and perhaps debates) of the value of virginity that have been going on for literally hundreds of years. People in different ages and different cultures may have different opinions, and conclusions often vary considerably from men's and women's point of view.
Now I have translated the story into English. There are two aims for my doing this: to practice my English, and to introduce some popular Chinese writings to our overseas friends so that they will have a better chance to learn what is happening and what is being talked about in the present-dayChinese society. I know it is not easy to achieve my goals, but I will try, as long as my interest and enthusiasm grow with my progress. I'll be very glad to see any response to my post.
Before I close this preface, I'd like to say a few words about my idea towards virginity. Although many young girls, including some feminists nowadays tend to despise or hate or neglect the existence of the so-called "virgin complex", and regard their attitude as a more advanced feminine emancipation and a plausible claim for an equal status with men, I reserve my right to disagree in some ways. Here I'll just list some of my main points, and leave any detailed demonstration to a more proper time, because I'm now very tired and my eyes ache after several hours' composing, typing and proof reading.
First, I believe chastity is a union of body and soul.
Second, virginity is not simply a physiological matter, as many people think, but more of a psychological and emotional matter. Whether you agree or not, a girl cannot have the same feeling on her second or third boyfriend as she had on her first if sex is involved from the beginning, no matter how much they may love her, and this can be a great loss to the successors.
Third, as the saying goes, love is selfish. What would you think if you find out your beloved girlfriend or wife is not a virgin and whose body has been appreciated and played and occupied by some other guy, or guys? Not every male can declare: "I don't care."
All in all, my suggestion is, a girl should be prudent and very careful when deciding to give her first time. If that person happens to be her lifelong partner, I'll bless her.
Now the story.
An $80 Virgin
The near sea KFC was covered in the afterglow of an early evening sun. Inside, leaning comfortably against the back of a chair, I was looking out through the window when a soft, man's voice came to my ear: "Hi, lady, can we have a talk?" Startled and a bit annoyed, I looked back, only to meet a pair of bright, smilingeyes.
I looked him up and down. He was pretty tall, with a good looking face, and was wearing a casual suit, neat and in good quality. I returned with a cunning smile, "My boyfriend is coming soon; are you going to talk with me anyway?" "Sure," he took a seat before me naturally, his eyes fixing boldly on my face, "'cause you have no boyfriend at all. I've noticed you for quite awhile. A girl doesn't sit around like you did when waiting for her boyfriend." I agreed with a sweet grin. His smartness impressed me, and thus we started a pleasant chat.
So, I got acquainted with An Jie, an engineer in a computer company. He brought me on our second dating a bunch of fresh calla nicely wrapped in a light green paper, which set off his charming smile.
Later he invited me to take a walk along the beach. The moon was just rising above the sea. It was getting a little cold in the sea wind, and he held me to his broad bosom to keep me warm. And on the next occasion, as we were talking merrily, he caught sight of my loosened shoelace and immediately crouched down to helpme tie it in an affectionate way. I was deeply touched at that moment and talked to myself: I'm falling in love with him.
One month afterwards, we had sex. After all the pant and passion, I lay prone onJie's body and asked him: "Jie, I'm not a virgin. Do you really love me?" He groped my hair, as if he were petting a cute puppy, "Honey, see what age we're in now and you're still asking me such a silly question. What I care about is the true love between us."
I jumped up into his arms from the bed in a fit of ecstasy and cried, "Jie, I love you so so much! ..."
The next day I moved to his place and began to live with him.
The days we'd been together were splendid, like rain nourished flowers. Every morning when the early sunshine penetrated our white curtain, I would be wearing pajamas and slippers and going to the kitchen to make breakfast for An Jie: omelette, toast, and milk, and then, by the time Jie got up, he would acclaim with his unbrushed teeth: "Hey, my old lady, you're absolutely the prettiest and loveliest woman under the sun!"
Happiness embraced me like the smell of boiled milk with egg pervaded in the air, gentle and sweet.
One day when we were passing by a fancy shop, we saw a small pink shingle hanging in front of the door, which read: "Get back your virginity for only $80." I giggled: "It's been said that all men have virgin complex. I hear putting this little thing inside before sex can produce a real looking effect. Maybe it will help release your sorrow somewhat."
An Jie looked at me and replied in earnest, "Xiao Ru, I don't have a virgin complex. There is nothing to make up. It's not a shame not being a virgin, but it ispretending to be."
Once more I was moved by his words, pushing my head against his bosom like a doggy, "Jie, you're definitely the greatest man in the world! I'll love you foreverand ever."
On the sixtieth day since our cohabitation, Jie took me to see his parents in Nanchang. Holding my waist from behind, cuddling, ... he hid nothing about his intimacy with me, letting our relationship exposed to his parents at first sight. Jie's mom presented me a delicate brocade box at parting. I opened it and saw an emerald ring in a look of great age.
As I was hesitating what I should say, she spoke to me affectionly: "This is an heirloom of our family, specially prepared for our daughter-in-law." Jie was standing beside me, smile on face.
Wearing the ring, their family heirloom, I began to vision our wedding: church in western style, clusters of flowers, music, and a couple in wedding dress swearing an oath of eternal loyalty before the priest and all friends and relatives. But Jie was expecting an underwater wedding: swimming between various kinds of fish we'd never seen in a diving suit — My! think of the feel!
In September, Jie was taking a trip to Wuhan at the disposal of his company and would be staying there for two months. I helped to pack his things up. "Jie," I said, while putting his razor and a man's face cream into his suitcase, "while I'm not on your side, you must behave yourself. Don't get hooked by some siren." Jie took me into his arms and joked, "Dearie, you're designated daughter-in-law by my parents, how can I dare to touch any siren?"
Jie was gone, leaving a lonely me in the big empty house. Life was like being extracted of air and sunshine, dreary and boring.
Without Jie I had no mood to make breakfast any more in the morning. At night I feared to run into a horror movie channel for there was no broad shoulder for meto turn to. Jie's phone call would come at 10 o'clock every night, his voice like a sunlight dispersing my loneliness. But my missing of him grew wildly day byday. Having been like this for a month, I asked him in a touching voice: "Jie, I didn't fully realize how important you are to me until you're away from me. Let's be married when you're back home, will you? I have a .. a sense of concern..I fear time could alienate us." "OK, let's get married as soon as I'm back home." Jie promised.
Day in and day out, I was counting his returning date. Every time when I passed by the bridal salon after work, watching those beautiful wedding photos in the showcase, a smile would climb up my face. Very soon, Jie and me would be in such a picture too.
Jie was returning in two weeks. His telephone still came, but somehow not as often as usual. I asked him why, he explained that he had too many things to handletowards the end of the project. I took his word and reminded him to take care ofhimself. I told him cheerfully that I had found a bridal salon named Crystal Love I thought very nice and that they had various special offers as well. Jie responded with a tepid "Good". His lack of enthusiasm made me somewhat uneasy. ButI soon began to laugh at myself of being over-sensitive. Fingering the heirloomring from Jie's family and full of happiness, I said to myself, "Xiao Ru, you're becoming a beautiful bride soon."
Jie was having an elusive mood when he was back, and somehow afraid toface my eyes. I could tell by intuition that there must be something hidden in his mind. Icontrolled myself not to disclose it. I could bear his affair, if there was, aslong as we would get married.
I took Jie to the salon. Stepping out of the dressing room in a white wedding suit, I appeared as pretty as a goddess. Jie seemed totally bewitched. I took his hand with a winning smile, thinking that Jie and me would finally become a happiest couple.
I felt relieved. Jie was working behind his computer as always, with occasionally a phone call or two that would make him a little uneasy. But I ignored and kept working on the preparation for our wedding.
On the tenth day since he returned, there came an unexpected visitor. Jie's faceturned pale when he saw her. I watched them in coldness and said: "You talk here. I'm out for a while." As I was going down the staircase, I felt collapsed andcould hardly hold me up.
Sitting in the community garden, I recalled the look of that girl. She had a soft, slender figure, her face comely and cute, and her eyes filled with bitternessand helplessness. A great sorrow besieged me. It was not just an affair, in allprobability.
An hour passed. Suddenly I saw An Jie rushing out of the building madly, carrying the girl with both arms. Then, as they drew closer, I saw blood coming out down the girl's wrist. God! She committed suicide! Before I could get out of the shock, Jie had rushed on to the road and stopped a car.
The girl was saved, her face still pale. Holding Jie's hand in her grasp, she begged in a faint voice: "Jie, why did you treat me so? Please, please, don't leave me." An Jie kissed her boneless-feeling hand, tear in eyes, "No, I won't. I'llnever leave you again." I walked out quietly. The scene was like a knife thrusted in my heart.
An Jie came out and said: "She is asleep." I couldn't hold my feelings back any longer. I stared at him, my eyes on fire.
He drooped his head and told their story. The girl was named Zi Zhu (literally Black Bamboo), who had been working in the same office building with him in Wuhan. After seeing each other in the elevator for a few times, they got acquainted and began to hang out together. One night, a month later, after drinking a lot ofalcohol, they did what should not have happened.
I cried in tears: "What're you going to do next? She or me?"
He looked somewhere away from my eye and murmured, as if to himself, "I don't know either.. I don't know.."
An Jie finally resolved to marry Zi Zhu, smashing my last hope and letting all the love that once had between us be gone with the wind. I got his collar and tore it as mad: "Why abandon me? Why?!"
"Xiao Ru, you're tougher than her. You can live on without me, but she can't. She's too frail. She would become a lifeless body if I left her."
"You mean she can die for you? I tell you, so can I!" With this, I quickly zipped my handbag, drew out a fruit knife and threw a cut towards my wrist.
The attacking hand was stopped just in time. An Jie cried with red eyes: "Xiao Ru, please, don't be like this. You're not in the same boat as Zi Zhu. She was a virgin by the time we first became known. I'm a man — how can I be irresponsible to such an innocent girl?"
His word knocked me back. The knife slipped out of my hand and dropped down the floor. As soon as I regained my mind, I gave him a good slap in the face. "Didn'tyou ever tell me you had no virgin complex? The truth is, a virgin is superiorin your mind in any case and deserves more attention and sympathy while I shouldserve me right to suffer your desertion. Is that right?"
I held back my tears and rushed out. It's not worth dying for a man like him.
An Jie's wedding was held a month later. On that day, I ran to a bar to get drunk. Things past were like dispersing clouds, getting vague and remote with time. Of the wedding photos, of course, I didn't go to fetch, and the heirloom ring I returned to him. Wedding photos and heirloom ring could not keep his love. What locked it was Zi Zhu's chastity. Getting half drunk, I began to snarl in the bar, cursing that men were bag eggs, hypocrites and cheats. All turned to me, watching my hysteria with various expressions on face. I felt completely lost at that moment.
One day a few months later, when I was shopping in a supermarket, I ran into An Jie and his wife, Zi Zhu. They were buying things for infants. An Jie appeared alittle embarrassed when he saw me — he should have a guilty conscious after all. Zi Zhu had gained some weight and was leaning close to An Jie, smiling to me,"I'm expecting. Almost three months." "Oh, bless you." Hatred in heart, I gave them a grudging smile.
As An Jie went for the cashier, Zi Zhu continued: "An Jie is a good husband. He never lets me do housework since I got pregnant. He makes breakfast every morning and says it's important to supply sufficient nutrition to mom and baby." A fitof pain came over me. An Jie was repeating what I'd been doing for him for Zi Zhu.
Not knowing what to do with my sulk after parting from them, I rendered a heavy kick forwards, only to hit the rear of a parked car, making the alarm screaming madly, and I fled away in a fluster.
One night a couple of days later, I was woken up by the ring of the phone. I picked up the phone and there came the flustered voice of An Jie: "Xiao Ru, come tomy place right away. Zi Zhu is bleeding (from her private parts). She might be going to abort." Startled, I quickly put on my clothes and rushed down. Sitting in the cab and still distracted, I thought to myself, "Am I not hating them? Then why did I get so nervous at the news?"
Zi Zhu was sent to the hospital. An Jie was fidgeting outside the ward, smoking cigarette after cigarette. "It's all my fault. I shouldn't have let her make thecoffee. She's pregnant — how can she make coffee?" He kept blaming himself. Hearing this, and thinking of all the love and care he gave to Zi Zhu, I nearly couldn't help shouting at him: "It's merely a pregnancy; is it worth it to make such a big fuss of making some coffee?" However, what came out of my mouth was "Don't worry. Trust to the doctors. She'll be all right."
A doctor came out and informed us the baby was saved. An Jie took a deep breath and appeared relieved. Suddenly the doctor frowned and said: "Men just don't know how to take care of their wives. How many abortions has she had? Her uterine walls have become so thin that they can hardly protect the baby."
We were both stunned, especially An Jie, who blinked at the doctor, not able to speak a word.
Outside the hospital, the night was dark. I felt like laughing — Zi Zhu was forthe very first time expecting for An Jie — but something bitter choked my throat. I recalled that fancy shop we passed by: "Get back your virginity for only $80." That smart Zi Zhu, destroyed the past and future of An Jie and me with only$80. Love, sometimes it seems, is worth no more than $80.
