Dear Yaone,
You say you believe that no one else has ever felt like this, but that isn't true. It is new to you, but many, or most of us have beem so deeply in love. Ben and I were to be married in the summer on our parent's wedding anniversary, but we couldn't bear parting even so that we could go home to bed so that we could get up the next morning and go to work and not see each other until the next day. He used to write me a letter as soon as he got home, and leave it and wildflowers on my doorstep very early. So we married in January, instead, and I wasn't pregnant. I used to dream of sitting across the breakfast table from him. He always made me feel secure when he was near me. He still does. There is some feeling or spirit that comes from him that I love to touch because I feel so comforted, healed and secure through it.
There is not only one soul mate for you in life. A soul mate comes into existence when a strong, trusted, loving and tested relationship together has bonded it. There are other men you could fall in love with, and with whom you could develop a deep marriage and become soul mates. Of course, your heart would need to be free for you to be able to see any of them. Right now you see nothing but your thoughts of your dear Australian man.
I will tell you something that is true, but not usually spoken of these days. It is the kind of thing mothers used to tell their daughters long ago, back through the generations. You are already a little concerned that you could lose him. You almost feel that giving him what he wants will bond him more tightly to you. The fact is often that if you give him the sex he desires he will become used to you, and if there is a weak link in your relationship it will break more easily once that happens. You can say that's a chance you'll take, but if you and he can wait and work this out, you have a far better chance of marrying than if you go over to Australia for a month, as he was in China for a month. Things can get so hot between you that you either must live together, or you must separate. Then, if you aren't allowed to marry him due to some kind of governmental difficulties, what will you do?
As the two wise men, Leslie and Charles have said, you are really in a difficult situation, and probably the best thing to do is to end it. I didn't say to do that, because I think there are possibilities in the relationship if you both go about things sensibly. If you don't, you could come to great unhappiness. If the bond is strong enough I don't see that the culture and language difference etc. couldn't be overcome, but you need to prove your bond by both being rational and looking for the best for each other. It is not the best for you to go to Australia to enjoy each other for a month.
If you live with him before marriage it is not a true test of the situation. There is no *real* commitment and there isn't the same strength to come through difficulties. You both really need proof that this can stand hard tests. If it does, and you make your way through it rationally, step by step, and marry, then it is a very strong bond and will probably stand the rest that will come later and all through your lives together.
Why doesn't he take a year off? Come to China to teach English, and marry you there? Why aren't you talking marriage. He will get a job of some kind. Marriage is the only thing to talk. If he does what I have just suggested, then you will be a married couple from then on. You should teach him Chinese. Then if and when you two go back to Australia to live, he will have that to offer to future employers, too. If you stay together in China it will also be needed. Australia is so close to China that it is bound to be of some advantage some day.
You make a big mistake if you go to Australia, give yourself to him, live with him, and then come home again, unmarried. What do you think you will feel like then? Do you really think either of you will feel better, if it lasts? No, you will feel terrible. Just as you did when he had to leave, but only worse. And you don't even know if you can ever stay together. It is not a good situation as it is.
Now here is the very, very worst scenario possible. Have you ever read the story of Maya Angelou? She is a very prominent writer and well know and highly respected woman in the United States. She has written many books, and one is her autobiography. In her youth she was courted by a pimp with whom she fell deeply in love. The pimp, of course, didn't tell her he was going to make use of her. You really need to be sure of this family, and that everything exists as described. I know that I sound very untrusting. Next time you talk with him, and he's calling from him, ask him if you can speak with his mother for a minute or two, just to say hello to her, so you can hear each others' voices. He should send you pictures of his family on a regular basis. Of himself, his siblings, friends, his activities. Pictures of him when he was in university. All kinds of clues for you to understand him better. You shouldn't tell him you are checking on the truth of his statements. Just ask him to send you pictures, and you send him pictures of yourself, friends, family with you, activities, home, and whatever you like. You need substantial clues. Not just words on the internet or the phone and meeting him by himself, as wise Leslie and Charles pointed out.
My dear girl, this is a tremendous step you are considering. The world can be a far more subtle and wicked place than you could ever imagine. The best thing for you to do for yourself, your marriage, your family, is always to completely check the ground you are standing on. Don't take things for granted. Always ,ake sure that you do business in a businesslike way. If you are careful with your business, how much more you need to be with your own life happiness and welfare. See your own lawyers to check if you are on safe ground. Don't believe everything you hear, are told, or read. Always follow these practises all of your life.
There are scams perpetrated all the time, and very highly educated people fall into them. Doctors, architects, and so on. Just make it your practice to alwaystake care of yourself. Neve be greedy. Remember the saying "act in haste, repent at liesure." This is a situation that has peril in it for you, even if he is the good man you believe he is. At the worst, you could find yourself in a strange country, without money, with passport taken away from you, and at the will of anyone to use to make money. At the best you could find yourself both even more desperately in love, and unable to be together except for a vacation once a year or so, and phone calls.
I know that you are convinced that everything I have said regarding the worst possibility is completely untrue in your case. I know that you say you know him from the bottom of your heart. I know that you think this couldn't possibly happen to you. But it has happened to others who have been lovingingly courted, have fallen under the spell of a man, and found themselves in great danger. I hate to spell this all out to you. Probably it doesn't even apply. I am sure you think I'm totally wrong in your case, for sure. And I grant you, that probably I am. But why should you take this terrible chance? It is possible for a young woman like you to be lost, and never to be found again by your family and friends, because you have lost your freedom and your life to those who are making money from you. This has happened to highly educated Russian and Eastern European women. They weren't fools, either. They believed things were all on the up and up. International women and child sex slavery rings are active in the world.
There is too much at stake for you to go, unmarried, to Australia for a month to satisfy the longing he has for you and you have for him. Let him teach English in China and arrange to marry you there. Become engaged. Wear a ring. Tell both your families and your friends. Correspond with his parents, as his rightful fiance. But before you get too deeply into this you should find out if it is possible for you to marry an Australian employed in China as an English teacher. I believe that your government asks more questions than it seems that you ask. I believe that they have the intention to protect their women citizens. Don't do anything blindly.
Say your prayers.
Warmly, and caringly, Mary.
