Don't look back, my dear
Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she turned into a pillar of salt. From <<The Old Testament. The destruction of Sodom>>
It was just like one of those days, when her heart drifted and wandered helplessly and aimlessly. Totally at lost. Her husband was out on a business trip again. She stared at the computer for a while, then like she had made a big decision, she stretched her hand and turned it on. While she was logging in the qq chat room, she prayed, “let there be someone to talk to, anyone, please……’ Her heart gave an enormous leapt of joy when she saw his icon bright and shining. He was one of her old college classmates and her first boyfriend when she was in the university, they got on well after they broke up. She just felt they had been friends for all her life. She could still recall clearly what he said on that day when they broke up. He looked at her full and tight schedule on the wall and sighed, “ you leave no room and time for others. I tried to squeeze in but only to find out that I’m extra in your life. Your world is too well organized……” and she could also hear her own soft apologizes there,” I am awfully sorry, honey, but I just hope it won’t hurt you so much. We are still good friends, aren’t we? There will be a corner for you in my heart, for ever and ever….”
For the whole afternoon they stayed online, talking and talking. There were so many things to talk about, their past love in the university, their present life, the things changed and unchanged in him and her, his son, and her daughter, their grieves and complaints , and their happiness . The old days flew back little by little in their talk, the games they played, the books they read, and the time they shared. Good old days. Sweet memories. Things are always like this, when you think about the past love, all that is left is usually sweetness, rather than bitterness.
It was about midnight now, she was still wide awake . All her senses were so alert, so active, they were feeling everything beyond the control of her will. After hours and hours of talking, sleepiness prevailed. But she just could not sleep anyway, she was listening, feeling. This was just like the return of an old dream, so real, so unreal. She only had a light dinner that night. In the quietness of the dark night , she felt her stomach ached slightly, so it came again. And she enjoyed the slight ache, because it helped to keep her awake.
She appreciated his way of talking, slightly loving, very caring, but mainly respectful, though inwardly she was feeling the excitement triggered by his words. Both of them have got a family now, loving and caring families. But ten years of marriage is maybe a long enough period to kill some of the curiosity and passion between husband and wife.
“ Maybe we could have made a good couple, “ he teased, with a rose at the end of his sentence. " and you know you always hold a special place in my heart......"
She sat back on her chair, and took her hands away from the keyboard. She felt it was like a battle, a fight between the past and the present, between reason and desire, between feeling and honor... She heard the fingers of her watch ticking near her ear. Time was flowing away. She wanted to hold it, to stop it, to imprint this special moment and special feeling in her heart. Reason won, honor and respect won, the present won. But the victory did not come easily.
“I guess no better than the ones we have got now…………” she typed the sentence with a grinning face at the end.
She felt happy with him and herself. But there was also a slight touch of hurt and ache and disappointment. She did not want to lose him, the fact is he is never hers, no more than she is his.
“You know about how women came into being in the Bible story?” said she.“Sure, from we men’s ribs.” There came his quick answer.
“That’s it. You men have more than one ribs, but we women could only come from one of the men in the world. You see, buddy?” she sighed satisfactorily. In her heart, she was saying to him and to herself, "Thank you dear, thank you for keeping a corner in your heart for me, thank you for living well and being a good husband and father in your family. I like things in this way. We won’t hurt each other, we won’t forget each other, what is past is past, remember it, but hold fast to the present."
Slowly, she typed the following words in capital letters: Don’t look back, dear, please don’t. Or we may be turned into a pillar of salt, like Lot’s wife.
