Dear Tulipgy,
I'm glad you wrote to consult with us. You certainly made your difficultiesclear to me, so you are able to communicate well in English. In time you willeither polish your English, or your French, or perhaps both! :-)
May I speak to you clearly and frankly? It would be better for you and he to marry in China, and to live in China, spending as much time as possible visiting France together during your marriage, so that he can introduce you to his family and culture. He bought an apartment in China, so you two will have a place to live together once you are married. You used good judgement in maintaining your principles, and it is a good sign that he respected them.
Another reason for marrying in China is that I have learned that your government is careful about whether a foreign man can marry a Chinese woman. They insist on checking whether he is already married elsewhere and so on. There is much protection in this for you. They must do it because there has been trouble before and they are trying to prevent it from happening to their citizens.
Before you go to live in a strange country where you don't know the language or any people, it is important to be absolutely sure that you will be safe. That is not absolutely sure, yet.
Be sure to introduce him to your parents next time he visits. Listen to what your mother feels about him. If you become engaged, then you could begin to correspond with his parents. They will probably send you photographs of them with him together. Maybe of him when he was a little boy or a baby, and together with them. You should also see pictures of them with him now so that you know he is the same baby with the same parents.
If they love him they will be delighted to hear from you because they will know that you are putting forth the hand of friendship and it will assure them that they are not losing their son. They will be happy to send you copies of such pictures because they want you to know their dear son. If you ask for such photos it won't seem strange to loving parents. Of course, it will be true that you would love to see your darling as a baby, and so on. However, there is another quiet reason on your part for corresponding and seeing the pictures. It assures you that his story is true and that he is truly as innocent and loving as he seems.
Now this is realy the most delicate part of what I have to say, and that you may find hard to take. I'm sorry I have to tell you this, and make it so plain as it is very unpleasant knowledge.
It is possible that such a lovely man can be looking for a girl to take to his country to earn money for him with her beauty and her body. I know you will find this an outrageous suggestion. However, it happens more often than we would ever like to think, and you must be sure this doesn't happen to you. Please realise that many young people will read this reply besides you, and even if it doesn't apply in your situation it may save somebody else, so it must be said. Maya Angelou, a famous American woman has this happen to her in her youth. The man was charming and courted her beautifully. One day she went to his home, and lo and behold it was an elegant house and he had a wife. He ranprostitutes and was working to bring her into his group.
The word for such a man is a "pimp". Women and children are being bought and sold all over the world for such purposes. It's in the news even today here. It is called "the traffic in human beings." Many of the women are even highly educated in their home countries, often the former Soviet Union. Once overseas they are helpless in his hands, and are often beaten and abused to break them in order to make them submit. Virgins are prized. This dear girls, is not a very nice world in many ways. All young women must be ten times more careful of foreign men who want to take them out of their own countries than they are of men of their own cultures. whom they understand better.
The things I suggested may help you to be sure this charming man is only exactly what he seems. You can be sure that bad men are able to be charming. They do it in order to entice. How else would they catch girls!
Now, having said the unpleasant things I feel had to be said, I would like to draw your close attention to Blue Sky's reply. He is an intelligent and sensitive man, and he has given good advice. The problem is that this advice is hard to take when you are in love? So, if you marry in China and visit France it would be better for you. Eventually you may feel at home enough in France to be able to stay there.
About whether you will be able to continue to financially help your parents, or not is another important question. You need to discuss this thoroughly with him. Listen carefully to his replies and the tone of his voice. Since this is clearly very important to you, if you have any doubts about his sincerity in agreeing that you can send money to your parents, (and how much money,) you should not marry until you feel sure that this question has been settled to your complete satisfaction. After all, you could run into some money troubles in France, or China, and find that he now thinks you should use the money yourselves, and not send it to your parents. The next time he may say the same, and soon you may find yourself not helping them, and not quite knowing how it happened.
French men are known to be charming. I think you probably found a good one.Just go easy and test the ground carefully before you go ahead, so that you don't step into any unexpected swamps.
I know some of this from my own experience. Remember that I married a foreign man when I married a German. When we became engaged I wrote immediately to his parents. They were overjoyed, and we became life-long friends. I didn't do it to make sure Ben wasn't a "pimp". I didn't need to do that because he was employed in Canada, had his immigration papers and I knew his friends. He wasn't proposing to take me out of my country. This, however, made a wonderfully strong foundation and helped in having a happy marriage because I was so well accepted by his family, and he by mine. He asked my parents for their consent to marry me.
I hope it will all work out well for both of you, dear Tulipgy. :-)
Warm and friendly good wishes, Mary
