I have no confidence in my appearance and ability all the time. It started from my junior high school. I used to be praised as a beautiful angle by people around me from childhood. However, after coming to a new city for junior high school, everything changed fundamentally.
The boy sat next to me found my mouth was a little bit pouting due to the upper teeth, and also my back was apt to bend when walking. He was pleased with “his great discovery”, and began to laugh at me. He insulted me that I looked very much our ancestor in primitive society. Afterwards, some other boys joined him, and also laughed at my appearance. I was extremely hurt, but couldn’t find even a single word to defense. As a result, I found it even harder to walk with my back straight, and sometimes I even dare not to look into the mirror.
At that time, my father was just retired from army. He and my mother used up all their savings for job-hunting and my entry to that key high school (they paid a huge amount of extra money for my admission). As a result, life in our family turned out to be extremely difficult. We didn’t have extra money for clothes. I had to wear my mother’s old clothes, many of which were totally out of date. Looking at other girls in fashionable clothes, I felt very sad. Several times I quarreled with my parents for not buying me new clothes, but they could really do nothing. Moreover, as I studied less a year than my classmates (Primary school in counties lasts merely five years rather than six in cities), I also had great difficulty in my study, extremely in mathematics. At first, I tried very hard, but I still remained the last ten students in my class. That boy got one more reason to laugh at me. I had to live in his harsh and insulting words all the three years.
I seldom told my parents about my unpleasant experience at school. They didn’t understand me at all. They simply cared about my study. Every time, when I went back home with bad results in exams, they were very angry. They used to beat me if I didn’t do very well in exams (it just happened a few times, as I was the top student in primary school), but as I was no longer a little girl, they began to ask me to knee on the ground for hours. They kept saying that I didn’t cherish the opportunity that they had spent so much money for me to study in the key school. I didn’t explain or argue. The fact was my self-esteem had already been demolished. I locked myself in the room and cried into tears almost everyday. Several times, I thought about committing suicide. I began to hate myself, my appearance, my poor performance in study, and even hate to live in this world without hope…
Psychologists say experiences in junior high school can influence one’s entire life fundamentally. My bitter experience in junior high school with tears has been proven to leave an incurable scar deep in my heart. Afterwards, the shadow and hurt still remained there, though I got my teeth straightened, I paid attention not to walk with my back bent, and I managed to do very well in my study.
I just have no confidence in my appearance and ability. I keep complaining that I look very ugly, though a little bit exaggerated. Most of my friends told me I did look pretty, and I should have more confidence in myself. Actually, even some strangers have made the same compliment about my appearance. Nevertheless, all this cannot remove the previous shadow. The unforgettable bitter experience makes me care so much about my appearance and can hardly get satisfied with it. Very often, I couldn’t help thinking if only I had been more beautiful, and I will do whatever to realize this dream of beauty.
To have my teeth straightened is the best example to show my determination to strive for beauty. I had four of my teeth pulled out, and got the iron wires around my teeth for one and a half years. So far, I still have to wear that plastic thing for orthopedics when sleeping. My parents and many other friends of mine find it hard to understand what had made me so crazy to choose to suffer so much without any complaint or regret. I know that’s because they had never been laughed at by others about their appearance, and they could never know how painful and hurting that could be, especially for me, such a girl living all by compliments in her early life with high self-esteem.
I’ve actually dreaming of being beautiful in fancy clothes, and speaking excellent English with influential people in large parities since my graduation from university. I don’t know why this scene happening very often in movies or novels is hovering in my mind. I seem to believe that this is the best occasion for a girl to show her charm and ability. I desire it to happen to me some day. I think I need to and can best prove myself via this way.
With this dream, I went overseas study. I know I can hardly change my appearance, so I want to achieve the makings of unique charm as compensation, say, being really attractive and can be noticed at first sight in a large group of people. However, I have to admit I’m not that kind of person who can arrest others’ attention at first sight, as a crane standing among chickens.
Recently, I’ve discussed about my dream with my best friends here, Linda and Ning. Linda just smiled. She said the first impression I made on her was by no means my appearance, but my passionate to talk with others. People might be attracted by and focus on what I was saying, and thus had little time to notice my appearance. In other words, I was so talkative that my own charm lied in my passion and energy to speak rather then being quiet. I was truly surprised at her words. She further added that I was chasing something didn’t belong to and fit me at all, whereas neglected my own charm that I should have valued. I asked her whether I had my own charm by emphasizing again that I looked ugly.
To my great surprise, Ning lost her temper. She said she had been fed up with my complaint. She always felt pity for me, as I didn’t have confidence in myself that I should have. She told me that I had already impressed her at first sight, because she had seen few girls at my age so innocent and pure. I might adore some others for their fashionable way of dressing and making up, so were their mature manners in communication. However, after seeing so many girls of this style everywhere, she just found some of them were sort of vulgar. By comparison, I should preserve my own style rather than copy them blindly. She spoke so seriously that I was shocked and didn’t know what to reply.
“Look at you. As your friends, many of us have told you several times: Be confident, you are pretty, but you just don’t listen, and still make complaint. In my opinion, you are too irresponsible for yourself.” Ning went on.
“But you know, if it permits, I even want to go for plastic operation. I really quite unsatisfied with my appearance. If I hadn’t been laughed at in junior high school, I wouldn’t be so choosy and sensitive about my appearance.”
“Let me tell you a story. Once there was a rat. One day a magician came to tell her that he could help her to realize a dream. ‘I want to look as a lion so that I won’t fear the cat’, said the rat immediately. The magician fulfilled her dream, and really changed her into lion. However, the rat was still trembling violently in front of the cat. The point is psychologically she has no confidence in herself, so the problem remains, even though she has changed her physical appearance. Likewise, plastic operation is the same thing. If you don’t change your humble mind into confidence, outside beauty will still do nothing for you. You know what I’m saying? ”
Ning finished her story and my face began to burn as fire. Just at the moment, Linda added, “Joan, don’t look at things from outside. Just think about it, it’s to have confidence that makes you beautiful, rather than to be beautiful that makes you confidence.”
“Just now, you are talking about being laughed at. Are you sure you are the only person who has been laughed at? I used to be laughed at as being stupid, but I still go overseas study and get high distinction now. I used to be diffident too, but what’s the point of it? It helped you nothing, and made you feel the worst. You have to change your mind! The primary step is to change your mind. You shouldn’t live in the past, or making excuse on the past unpleasant experience. It’s irresponsible for you yourself!” Ning drew a conclusion.
I looked into her eyes. Right there, her confidence is burning as usual. I felt very ashamed for having wasted so much of her time in repetitive persuasion for me. Moreover, I felt extremely happy to get such a good friend as her.
She is right. Change should be made from inside, from the buildup of confidence in yourself. Otherwise, nothing can be of real help. The sentence I wrote in my notebook suddenly hit me that “Believe who you are, you are a shining star.” To be a star is to shine, to send off your own lights and beauty. Sometimes, there might be some clouds that temporarily obscure your lights, but you should still have faith in yourself that it’s your nature and obligation to shine. For those who are still struggling to build up confidence, I sincerely wish you can say to yourselves together with me that:
“Believe who you are, and you are a shining star!”
Joan, 11/28/2004 in Sydney
