Dear Ayone,
Okay, now I have a chance to browse through some of your posts and have a better understanding of the predicament you’re in. You met this young Australian man online who’s three years younger than you, and at some point he came over to China to meet you and you two had a month to be together. And now the passion is deeply rooted in your hearts. You said you love him dearly but you are still not sure if he’s the right man for you to marry for the rest of your life, and you also mentioned that he may be too young and is not yet ready to take on the responsibilities of being a husband.
Please allow me to be frank here, if there are so much uncertainties, and the road ahead still looks so foggy, **getting married should be out of the question**. And I sense that you are not asking whether you should marry him, but how you can be together with him more often so that the present relationship can develop further until it’s ripe to enter into a wedlock. Here’s my first advice, even if you’re 1% unsure about each other, DON’T GET MARRIED!!!!
Before you allow the current status to go on, it’s to your best interest to consider the followings:
** How much do you really know about this young man, besides his good look? Did he graduate from a university? Does he have a decent job? Is he financially independent? Is he psychologically independent? Does he come from a reputable family with above average social status? Does he have decent and healthy hobbies? *** Is he still single and can be legally married to you? ***
And I suspect that you will be able to find satisfactory answers to all the above questions because you can’t be in Australia in person to do any serious digging. So now you’re on shaky ground before you even proceed. Mary has given you many practical procedures such as writing to the young man’s folks and asking for his pictures when he was a baby etc. I can’t stress enough the importance of testing the ground before stepping on.
Frankly I find it fascinating and totally unreal to see this kind of Platonic love developing to its current stage. You’re with this person for one short month, and yes, you’ve seen all the good sides about him, but isn’t it way too risky to wager you whole life base solely on this superficial analysis?
I can understand how difficult it is for you to obtain a working visa to visit your Australian boyfriend, but it shouldn’t be too hard for him to do the same. If he has a good job and is financially well off, he can probably come to China once a year, on his vacation, and spend a couple of weeks or even a month with you. That way you two can get to know each other better and give the relationship a chance to blossom. Do you know what his field of study is? Why not get him to apply for a working Visa and come over to China to find a job in your city, that way you will be able to see each other more often and develop the relationship further, in the right direction. If that young man does not have a steady job and can’t afford the airfare to fly to China to meet with you, then you have another major thing to worry about. In this case you should really put this relationship under microscope to diagnose and check out its future viability. The best scenario is that your Australian man obtains a working Visa and come to China to work in your city. And after a sufficient period of time, may be it will lead to a wedding and the two of you can live and work in China for, say, another 5 years, have your own kid, and after the parents of both sides had a chance to meet several times, and then, may be, it’s time for you couple to consider moving to Australia to settle and begin a new life.
Obtaining a working visa in China and fly over to Australia and throw yourself at him is the **last option** you should consider. I mean if he can have your body before you two are married, what else is left to look forward to after you get married? I know at this stage you are willing sacrifice your life for this divine love, but what about catering to the feelings of those who love you, such as your parents and siblings? When you put yourself at such great risk, is it fair to your parents who love you all their lives? Given your situation and the country you’re in, it’s not too much to ask of him, your charming Australian man, to do what I suggested above. He’s free to come and go but you’re not. You and him are not on the same “leveled playground” here. If you’re all Gung-Ho and ready to make **any** sacrifices for him, it’s only fair that he demonstrates the same kind of willingness toward you, or there’s no justice in this world!
I still don’t understand why you’re clinging so hard to this intangible and seemingly unattainable dream while there must be dozens of good looking, hard working and kind hearted Chinese young men wondering in and out of your life? It’s only futile to pursue the flowers in mirror or the moon in water. It’s a reality that many Chinese girls have very unrealistic fantasy about foreign men, both Caucasian and Oriental. Perhaps a reality check is in order here. Let me serve as a wake up call. The grasses are not always greener on the other side of the fence. The moon in foreign land is not necessarily rounder than the one in homeland. I really lost count on how many times I see foreign brides from Asian countries being abused and tortured by their trusted men. Or how many cross cultural marriages wrapped up in an unhappy ending.
Let me tell you a story about my old time college classmate. This smart but timid man was not outgoing enough to find himself a girlfriend locally, so his parents did some matchmaking and found him a gorgeous girl from China. Within a year, suddenly the two are sleeping together when they barely know each other. One year into the marriage, and grudge began to mount. Two years later, she left him for another man who came from the same city she was from. (Now I take that as her fault). So he went back to China the second time and stayed for a month, deliberately fell in love with another gorgeous girl there, had a huge wedding ceremony, and came back to Canada sponsor his spouse over. This time the sponsorship takes much longer because of his previous poor record. One year after the second wedding, he found himself frantically in love with another gorgeous girl in Canada! This time is different because he could see her everyday and love developed at warp speed. Now he’s in the bind. But by George, he had enough gut to sever the second marriage without much hesitation and finally married his local dream girl. (This time I take it as his fault.) But overall I think the root of the problem stems back to the fact that when two people with minimum mutual understanding enter a married relationship, disaster is simply waiting to happen. Frankly, I am disturbed and deeply puzzled by the fact that this friend of mine has so much cheap love to spread around! As a friend, I pray that his third marriage lasts!
However ugly it may seem, the reality is that any ugly man can go to a third world country and find himself a gorgeous girl to marry, but things just don’t work the other way around. The sad truth is, many girls in those countries would pay **any** price to go abroad, and as a result, tragedies and tears abound in this world.
So, my dear Ayone, I am not discouraging you to pursue your destiny and happiness, I am merely giving you a nudge so that you’re more vigilant about the uncertainties and risks you may have to face in the journey ahead. This is your life and you can choose to live it to your heart’s content, your destiny is in your own hand.
I am not a love expert and I hate to be labelled as such. I am only here to give advice and I want nothing in return, except a happy ending in your relationship.
Joy to the world!Neil
