Message to Management, Prince William and to whom it may concerned: This article, has nothing to do with studying abroad. Even if it does, it might be just some emotional connection that is left over in me. Nonetheless, despite somehow irrelavant..i feel home here in Study Aboard, a place where i can post some articles..and perhaps..in a way, provide some reading materials for those that wish to improve their english. At the end of the day, if you still decide to slash this article, it is absolutely your very own rights to do so.
Here comes another night,I was twisting and tossing in bed, cant fall asleep regardless what position i tried..
Is there really so much in my mind that worries me? I dont know. I mean, compare to few months back, given that it is now the closing period for almost all companies, my work load is considerably light..especially if one were to compare my work load now to few months back when my supervisor traveled extensively, in which i have to some how overlook part of his functions.
Yes, at the end of my probation period, the company i worked for is kind enough to confirm my position, and give me a pay rise of 25%. i was not overwhelmed with it..nor was i upset /disappointed with the action they take. I meant, it is pretty much of what i have expected, no surprise at all. Nonetheless, this does not seem to make things easier for me. I remembered well how my supervisor made a point to have a special lunch with me, sit down and have some heart to heart discussion. I see the worries in his eyes, if it has not been some public relations talk, i would be very flattered for what he said " one of my aim next year is to show you more responsibilites and ares in which you could explore, so that you do not feel limited here, and i hope that you would stay". I dont deny that i had been very spontaneous and rude with my reply, i said " well, you expect me to give up my ultimate dream job in the investment line just because of you?". yes, it is harsh, and spontaneous, and it might be hurtful. I have always been a very frank and straight forward person. I wish i could take back what i said. I wish i could tell him i didnt mean to harm him the way words that i said did. i knew from the begining that i am, not willing at all, to give up a career in investment.Should there be any opportunity arise from investment line, i will leave straight away. However, nor could i deny that, my supervisor and the company, supervisor in particular, has provided me the platform to perform, and the support i needed whenever i am in doubt or in trouble. Most importantly, he has never scolded me, not even once, nor did he ever raise his tone for this past 6 months that i have worked with him.
You might wanna ask, what makes me so anxious then? My anxiety doesnt comes from what they have done, but what i demand of myself rather. without a single doubt, that my supervisor and the company is making me feel very comfortable..so comfortable from the very begining that, i did not believe such company and such supervisor exist(especially as comparison the pretty bad experience i have with my previous job). It makes me feel so comfortable that i almost forgot i always long for an job opportunity in the investment line. what is worse that, it is so comfortable now that it even makes me start wondering, after all, is investment line 's involvement so important at the end of the day? How could i be so certain that a career in investment line is what i want, as compare to what i have now?
How do i judge? I have fear in my mind. I fear that, whatever that i have now, whatever that i believe in, is just some illutions that reflect in my mind. there're always tricks up one's sleeves...not to mention the cunning business world. what is yet to be revealed in this position this company? i am doubtful, suspicious..and what if, i get so comfortable that, i never want to leave this company never want to leave this job? what if i never get to progress? I never believe and can never buy into the idea of which staff and stay in a company for more than 2 years...not to mention those that stays 6, 10 or even 20 30 years. If you have read some of my previous articles, you'd know that i am a highly mobile person, i almost could not fulfill my 6 months probation period as i dont believe in stationing in a company. And now, i get a feeling that, if this is what is going to happen, i could stay in this company for life..provided my supervisor is here as well.which, i know very well, he would not.And i would cry, if he does, just like the way tears rolling in my eyes trying to crawl down on my cheeks now, when picturing a farewell dinner for him and giving him a goodbye hug.
Anxiety..yes.. i am worried. given that the workload is not as heavy as before. I felt as if something is missing. I no longer have to stay back at work until 10pm 12am at nite, and only got home at 1, 2 am in the morning...i somehow feel that something is really missing. and when i look at those microsoft excel templates that i have, i keep getting a feeling that i am hitting my limit, as if the learning curve has now slowed down..as if it is no longer as steep...it is flattening and this is worrying..i started to feel bored every morning reaching office, opening the same email box, as compare to 3-4 months ago checking email eagerly every morning when i get to work.
I felt guilty, guilty that i have registered for the finance professional certificate examination, but never take a single weekend to sit down properly and do my revision. Exam is scheduled 6 months down the road. If i were to continue on this way, i could very well kiss my 1 month salary worth of exam registration fee goodbye. the guilt is all over me to the extend that, despite the great exhaustion, exhaustion to the core, i wish i could stay up all nite to do my revision, and get to work in the morning without worrying the consequence of driving recklessly or dangerously due to lack of sleep(if one is short of sleep for X amount of time, the effect is as good as X amount of alchohol intake).
i made an excuse for not studying. i avoid looking at the finance text book. i know..and i rather spend large amount of time on the french couse that i am taking. but i seriously feel that, i am biting more than i could chew. i thought i can strike a balance between them all, job, french class, finance exam..now that i realise..the so call finance exam that MIGHT grant me my ultimate dream of having a career in investment life, has became a burden to my current life. i knew i am overloaded, but i am reluctant, and too stuborn to let go of any one of them.
Now you see where my anxiety comes from? I have mentioned a couple of times to my supervisor about my long working hours when work load were heavier back then, he adjusted things accordingly, and he would sometimes advise me to leave office after 6pm..or keep the option open, that i could choose to do whatever i wanna do(I would, at times, stay back in office and do my revision). i am totally flattered, where on earth could i find another supervisor that is equally understanding as this one that i have? Yet, given the adjusted working hours, adjusted workload, i still fail to have any progress with my revision. Should i just chuck the finance exam away instead?
And i felt so sorry for what happened today. I beat my boss so badly in terms of english verbs and vocabulary usage. He argued so much that his whole face went very red..(still, he is a gentleman, and a very well mannered individual). It must have been hard and harsh for him, for the strong word that i used, the tone i had to try correcting him for things that i didnt agree on. Given that everyone's got pride, i dont think that is easy for him, not from a subordinate. It hurt me to see his face after reading my amended copy of document...i guess i beat him hard and flat. I was tring to crack a joke to make things less tense by saying:" i think i should start charging you for english lessons soon". i guess that is the worst thing i could say under that sort of circumstance..he became defensive and reply :" then i should charge you as well coz you are learning things from it too". or may be he wasnt defensive? i dont know. there is just so many ways out there that you can offend someone, especially when two person did not have a very solid ground /foundation/ whatever you name it for friendship. I wish i could apologize. On the way home back from work, i cant help but wondering, in order to keep a relationship lasting, is it true that one should, from time to time, learn to act dumb. Just like what happened earlier today, that i should just..at some point, act dumb, and shouldnt have such a strong stand of what are the terms and words and vocabulary to be used blah blah blah. at least if that's the case, he wouldnt become mr. tomato. and i cant agree more that, it takes a certain amout of love and tolerance, for one to put himself/herself down infront of another person, which is exactly the part i fail to see in my ex, who has done that for me.
it's just like what it was written in one of the rene's songs' lyrics, " when i finally learn to love, you have departed, and vanished from the crowd"...
written in a nite's full of anxiety and regrets..
