Anyway i give it a try, i can't say that i write something for myself, for a real myself,will tell a future myself a real me right now. i don't even know what is going on on my mind, in the deep of my heart, i know i should and actually i tell myself every day that i should hold something and belive in God, my significant other is not Christian, neither I, but i would love to be a believer,in my future life,but, though,i don't believe in myself right now. or could i say that i have some mental problems right now.I want to tell everybody that i am very pure, i am very simple, and everybody tends to believe so. well, i am not that pure, i was born to be pure, i have been pure,but i make myself think i am not.and opposite,so i said i have some mental problems.i tell myself doing good things to others will surely make me happy and make my life fullfilling, but being selfish is making me crazy at the same while.i am definitely confused about that.i got pain, not from others, but myself.i am crazy,in my mind,inside i am mad,inside, i am a wanderer,outside i am natural.every minute in my daily life,i have a kind of thinking,every kind of thinking belongs to a real daily me.i think about those things.those things mixed up in my mind.i would love to feel that i am a kind of innocent,a kind of ignorant,but i feel i am about to be a kind of something hard to be with.i even think who wants to be with me or loves me is a fool.how could they want me,how could they love me? i couldn't understand,i don't love myself, sometime.yes, that's horrible to think like that.but i have to.i gonna love myself first,i gonna love others.i have my sentimental side.i have my cool side as well.i gonna treat myself cool, treat my lover in the sentimental side.i have my love, yes, i don't need to seek, and i never seeked someone.i tried,and realised love sought is not good,and never get throught it.but only if you are caught by someone,and chased by someone, then you got love, probabely true love.
I feel quite light now, cause i don't need to take some time or waste some time to seek and think about how to find a love for my future life, i am almost 20,and only when i was almost 19, i have finished looking, i never thought i had done so well,just before 20, i got him for all my life, and so long way to go with .i don't need to be worry any more for my future life, my life should be bright with him.compare to those dull love life imagining i was with a someone Chinese guy, oh. no.God. go away, i don't like they way they act, i mean Chinese guys.yes, some are really excellent, but no. i just don't appreciate they way they act, that is a Historical problem.and a serious problem, i couldn't avoid it.more i care about that problem, more i think i should leave this country, go to find my dreams in another land,here,doesn't match me well.i have to find a place to match me very well and make me feel comfortable.my dreams are not exist here, but somewhere, i don't know exactly , but somewhere out of here.i will explore it with all my love. some little words, tell something about a real me.16/5 2003
