Ah dear Caroline, and anyone else interested, of course,
This is in reply to your concern about finding a good and noble man, someone faithful, to be your husband some day. I think others here have sometimes expressed the same concerns so I would like to say what I think about it. I hope this may help you with your own thinking.
That's why Baha'u'llah came. To renew morals and show the way to rebuildlife in this world. If I didn't know about him I would be very sad. As itis, because of all of us in my family following this strong religious convictionI find myself in my elder years with a very happy life. I am thankful for my wonderful family and my darling husband and my comfortable and pretty home, and that we have a little business to keep us, and that there are no divorces.
Ben's parents were not divorced. My parents were not divorced. That was usual
then. Ben and I have been married for almost 50 years now. Some think it was probably easy. It wasn't. There even was a time when we could have been divorced, but we survived that by all of us following the spiritual teachings.
Then as for our four children, none are divorced yet and they have 20 year marriages, and so on. The parents of the mates of our children aren't divorced. Therefore those mates didn't learn from their parents to think of
divorce as a solution.
All of these people aren't Baha'is, but they all have strong convictions about
how life is to be lived. These strong convictions are rooted in various sects of Christianity or in the Baha'i Faith. I think you could find the same kind ofthing in Jews who are convinced in their Faith, or Buddhists, or any of the other great world religions.
So I think you should look at how the parents live together. How the siblings live with their wives. How much divorce is there in the family. How was the onewho interests you raised. What kind of beliefs does the family have and do they live by them? Do they have convictions about faithfulness, loyalty, the importance and sacredness of marriage and the importance of raising children
properly. Do the women respect the men and do the men respect the women. Who
does all the work, or is it fairly shared. What happens to the money that comesinto the home? Is it fairly used and does the wife have any, and does she havethe right to consult and decide with her husband how they should do things and
how they should progress toward their goals.
Any young man or woman who doesn't put the same kind of care into marrying as she or he does into studying hard and building a career is foolish. It is veryfoolish to believe in love above all, and to let yourself fall into emotional love when you don't know enough about the other person. It is better to hold backand be friends, and find out how good a friend the other is. And to watch and
discuss all things.
How foolish the young woman was to marry the man who had already strayed from
her before they were married. How could she ever imagine it would be better afterward. If there is anything at all that you don't like before marriage it willbe stronger and worse later.
Don't allow yourselves to walk into self-made traps. Arranged marriages are not
good. Nor are marriages only agreed upon by the couple themselves without getting parental consent after they have chosen each other. It is necessary to have
something between these two extremes. In the case of Baha'is, we don't marry without the consent of all four living, natural parents. That can be a hard law,
but it also has been proven over and over to work. There are many wisdoms in observing such laws. Ben and I have been approached to give consent to marriage
four times now. Each situation was different. Each time we gave consent and so
did the other parents the families drew together in unity. We never have given
consent without careful thought and after thought in at least two cases came something like inspiration that brought those consents. It's a very interesting experience to give parental consent to marriage. One of the effects afterward is for the parents to do everything they can to always support the marriage and never to undermine it. Only to support
it by word and deed.
So my advice to you is as above. Also consult with all four living naturalparents, even though it isn't your law, and listen carefully to what the response is. Of course, parents who are not sane are not consulted. That's the exception to the rule.
I hope this gives all of you some food for thought. You see, in our case wedo our best to follow the other teachings for unity at all levels of life, and we believe that God wants good and healthy marriages. And we have other information about how to behave and how to consult.
Begin to find your own strong convictions yourself. And try to find a potential
mate with strong beliefs and convictions that already match yours. Somebody who thinks there is no higher Power often thinks they can do whatever they want.
Somebody who believes there is a great higher Power who knows what they do in their lives is more likely to try to live an upright life.
I hope you find such a noble person whom you like and can love. Don't fall in love until you know the character of the person you have chosen. It is possible
to do this. Men and women can both govern themselves and do it. If somebody pushes you to have sex and to go further than you are ready to go that isn't a good sign, either. You should easily find that the one you begin to think is
the right one seems to think the same as you do already. You shouldn't need to
try to convince them. You should find out how pleasant it is to find a sort of
kindred soul. It is a lovely experience to find the one for you who is like your kindred soul. This then, is probably the one you should allow yourself to fall in love with and marry.
I hope you understand me. I hope you have self discipline. I hope you find your true soul-mate. Such a person will help you to grow and you will help them to
grow. They will support you in your endeavours and you will support them in theirs. You will pull for each other. All others will be outside your magiccircle. When you have difficulties in your marriage you will be able to talk about it together and to find your way through the hard times into calmer waters again. Your marriage will grow. You will be a happy elder when your time comes.
I speak from experience.
Warmly and affectionately to you, Helen, and with good wishes for all,
Mary
