A Step forward to Forgive, A Step forward to Heal
Personally I have been keeping in touch with a friend of mine who is an upright man. He is responsible, and with new ideas bouncing all the time. Isn’t it fun to hold friendship with him?
But it also saddens me that during our communication, the scar in his heart has been consistently felt by me. I’d say it is a spiritual one that has been lasting in him. Painful enough, he once revealed his childhood experience to me. He had a drunken alcohol-addicted father who abused his children and wife frequently by beating. I could even feel the dripping of sweat from him on telling this
, if not blood, though he was telling this through the Internet, but not in a fact-to-face way. The words were almost squeezed out of his teeth, “I will never
forgive him! If he were still alive now, I will let him know this! I know what I
can do now!” My heart trembled at this resentful outlet, while the deepest vulnerability of his unveiled itself to me. Anyone with resentment in his or her heart, is a vulnerable soul in my eyes, regardless of how strong his or her body is.
Recently I paid a visit to a lady friend who had been undergoing her toughest
time in life due to a recent divorce. She cried from time to time for the first
two days with my company. But on my leaving day made up her mind to confess to
me she was wrong in keeping in touch with the married man on one hand while having her marriage going on the other hand. “I hurt my husband,” she regretfully
told me. “And hurt myself too”. “I have been longing for his forgiveness, but right now I understand how strength-taking and spiritual-torturing it
is for him to forgive me. Despite my hope for his forgiveness, I forgive him if
he does not do so. And forgive my past to get ready for the future.” Thinking
for a while, she went on, “I know I just have to because if I do not, peace will never be gained in my heart and I got to suffer for a even longer time.”
At our departure later that day, she was calm and peaceful, totally different
from who she had been since the divorce.
Forgiveness was the very thing I was trying to convey to her the night before
. And actually I was telling her my own experience some one or two years ago late into that night after her sobbing on my shoulder.
It so happened that I was going close with another boy in my class at that time.
We had much in common. But later, after about half a year’s hanging out, I was
devastated. No, by that I did not mean any physical hurt. I behave very well in
relationships. But the hurt came from even deeper. He ruined my system of self
confidence. And in doing so, ruined my whole outlook on life. It was really mean
for someone closest to you to keep indicating to you that you were not beautiful enough to match him in appearance, time and time again. And avoided talking with you publicly despite the fact that you were really going very close. But so he did. What’s more, he was also the one, for whose sake I set aside the entrance exam for postgraduate to take care of. He was undergoing some medical treatment for an unknown disease at that time, and were scared at the severity of it. Never did I hesitate to reach out to be of help when he needed it. As a girl and
the only one who stayed close in spite of the possibly infectious disease, I shielded the worries and pressure from outside for him, shouldered them for him all
by myself, and soothed him with all my effort. Even his family members did not
know he was ill.
But after he recovered, he was showing off all the time, talking to me how many
beautiful girls were after him and how unattractive I was in other people’s eyes. (My heart still tightens at recalling this even now, after 2 or 3 years. But
fortunately, that did not last. I am more than grateful now that all the baby fat has gone, together with all the self doubts enforced by him. And I am here, a
clear figure with a bright heart. And I am also grateful that I passed the postgraduate exam and did not deny myself during that critical period of time.
As clearly recalled by my memory, it was on May 17th, 2003, on my father’s birthday, I torn myself from him. There was nothing left between us, except for the devastating memories. Can I hurt my daddy’s little girl this way by allowing
it to go on that way? The answer was a negative one. “I deserve more.” I decided.
But the forgiveness did not come as easily, and I was constantly hit by a strange feeling, a mixture of anguish, disappointment in my own looking, and doubts
about the future. Looking inside, I could always saw that kind of emotion frozen there. It wass still there, hampering me from enjoying life in a completely new way.
Until all of a sudden, I came across a book on forgiveness. In that book, the
author tries to persuade us to forgive all those who have hurt us, not merely for sake of them, but also for ourselves. “Fury and resentment are negative emotions, and once they are in, they keep on hurting and secluding you from enjoying
a happy life.” How true that is!
I decided to forgive him, after finishing that book and rethinking in tears about my past experience of staying close to him. It turned out that he was the one
with defaults in dealing with people and happenings. Maybe he did not intent to
do so, but it was beyond him to handle it properly. And it may be miserable that
he was not even conscious about all this.
But none of us is able to demand changes in others. What we can do is merely
to change ourselves. I told myself, and miracles began to happen. Right at the very moment, a warm soothing wave came over me. I knew all the past memories would rest in peace, and I needed to focus on my present and future life. Much to my
own surprise, the hurt was gradually healed over time. And sunshine was welcomed into my heart ever since.
A step forward to forgive is a step forward to heal. Forgiveness proves to be
the panacea to wounds, even to spiritual traumas.
Postface
I hope my friend who has suffered so much from the abusive behavior of his alcoholic father can heel too, and anyone of you with similar experience. To forgive does take great strength. And it does not mean to allow the wrongdoings to continue. We all need to protect ourselves, try smartly by our behavior to avoid hurt outside, while breed forgiveness to heal inside.
