I have never posted any article that described things between the two of us. I hope, i wish, i pray, everything would come to an end between you and me after finish writting this article. Yes, the way i choose to conclude, bringing everything to an end.
it all started 7 years ago.. and i would not have realised i have known u for so
long had i not written this article. The first time we met was because han & I
wanted to look for a new student housing accomodation , the current one that we
were staying in back then were too dangerous to live in. You happened to stay in the same area that we were hunting for a unit, hence, you were kind enough to
show us ur room..after a speed cleaning, chucking everything into your wardobe of course.
i had a crush on one of the twins before we started, the smartest, most genious
of our generation. i helped taking care of their house & car religously despite
knowing he was then attached to a 7 years old relationship. devastated i was, but, i tried my best to fulfill my duty & to deliver my promise as a loyal friend.
You, on the other hand, carry on remain as a faithful woer to this Indonesian girl you set eyes on.
It started when we both signed up in the same course, introductory finance 201 i
remembered. you always seemed lonely in the class, sitting alone, attending lectures alone. sometimes i'd go over to join u, asking you if the seat next to you
is taken before sitting down, just incase if you prefered to be left alone. i couldnt remember a single time that you refuse letting me to sit down.
mid term test & final exam drew nearer. maths has always been your weakest point
. knowing that we are classmates, you came to my flat frequently asking me questions and, even though deep down, knowing you are rather selfish, i started giving you tutorials, despite i have not quite complted my revision. Han then decided
to move out of student housing to stay with her cousins in east victoria park,
as her uncle invested a unit there. Despite helping her cousins, uncles & aunties decorating n shopping for the new house, deep down i cant help asking, why did
they decide to leave me behind, even if they frequently claim that they take me
as one of their own daughters, nieces. thinking backward, i really doubt of what they said. i went over to your flat asking u why did they abandon me...you said i'd take you out for dinner and dont be sad.
i still remember the first time we watched a movie together, "the Perfect storm"
, in a very old cinema, 2nd floor on Hay Street Mall. And then, after the movie
, we walked back to Moore street Mazda Servicing centre to pick up ur car. that'
s the first time we held hands. i also remembered the fact that we once got hold
onto the perfect storm dvd at a very cheap price. it was later that i decided to give up on it and return it. you said you rather buying it from me then returning it coz it might not be a good sign on our relationship. i insisted on returning it since none of us like it much.
We've done everything together, living together, attending classes, rushing for
assignments, shopping for groceries, trips to goldcoast, melbourne, sydney, great ocean road, packing up to go home for summer holiday,catching for abalone,swimming, playing computer games over local area network, going back to labs at wee
hours despite only one of us need to do the research while the other just be there to keep one's accompanied, staying in lab overnite, have breakfast on the way
back when sun finally rises, and went to bed at 7 or 8am, packing up things to
vacant the room for summer tenant & sending it to storage.
we thought we have done everything together, we thought that could be forever. flatmate thought all she could do is to wait for our wedding dinner card sending to her door step to share our happiness.
you completed your honours. but, in your honours thesis foreword, where most ppl
will express their gratitude for parents, for lecturers, for friends, families
& loved ones, i dont see my name there. i didnt get to see your thesis all this
while when u were struggling n preparing for it. i was whole heartedly making sure you live well, have sufficient food supply..despite master course' work load
is pressing on me that i could hardly breathe. the moment i dont see my name on
your foreword while you were printing it, it all crushed down. i said nothing when sending you to east victoria park to do the specific binding for your thesis.
i remained supportive. i didnt wanna add on additional to your burden n your worries. you finally submitted your thesis. you were relaxed. you said we should celebrate. it was a summer nite, i felt cold, and disappointed. i became really quiet, until the question surfaced. you defended yourself, you said you did mentioned me, as "significant others" that you wish to thank. me? your love one, is only worth mentioning as part of " significant others". i should be singular, why
is there otherS???
things still fell apart when you leave half a year earlier after completing your
honours. we were both under pressure. i get more n more frustrated and grumpy seeing all your stuff being stacked up in my room and you are occupying my computer, the tv, everything basically. there's no room for me to move. we started fighting even before you leave perth for singapore. you posted messages at local area network chatting channel to sell off your things, i happen to gain my turn to
access my emails n msn when someone replied, you suspected that i betrayed you.
.we fought further..arguement, swearing..you even blamed it on me when sharon &
boyfriend honk us when they saw our car on campus. for christ sake, they are attached!
i couldnt bear with your suspicion after you returned to singapore. despite all
that, i remembered the night your flight took off, i cried to bed, cried to god
that, i prayed that, i'd pay all it is needed, everything, anything at all, in exchange for you to come back to perth, just for you to come back for another six
months, dont leave me all alone here. but you never came back. i was all alone.
i am never the type i 'd always need to be accompanied & surrounded by bunch of
friends, i could do pretty well on my own, living alone, going to uni alone. sometimes i felt as if workload during final semester at uni is as good as a huge chain that chained me in student housing. weeks after weeks, the only time i get
out of my room is when there are lectures, or groceries supply has run down. life without you, seemed quiet, and i dont need as much grocerry supply anyway given that you are not around. you were frustrated with singapore's job market. the
one thing i cant stand is ppl keep nagging at me or keep complaining at me for things that i didnt do wrong. i try to make you see that singapore shouldnt be the only place you could and you should set eyes on, but you keep asking what else
you could do if not staying in singapore. i was down with patience and hit my limit too. what can i do to help if what you are willing to do is hang around to
complain & not making any effort to explore for opportunities in other countries
.
i kept a distance hoping i could clear my mind. this doesnt help much as you started getting suspicious n nervous after not seeing me in msn nor getting
me on the phone for awhile. i remembered there's this day martin's pc is down. and i knew you are talented at it, so i tried to help martin with your advice over msn. you refused to help and make excuse that had you not seen the pc, you wont know what is wrong and wont be able to help. this is just bullshit. you are a
pc genious, how could you not know? we started fighting, again. i felt that you
are as selfish as a man could ever get. you blamed me for having a crush on martin. i guess the greatest difference between the two of us is that i tried to help whenevermy friends approach while you think i am being flirty.
you were angry. you called and suggested break up weeks before easter.i said fine, deal and slammed down the phone. you tried to mend things and talked things over but it was all too late. i was overwhelmed with anger, overloaded with thesis & research paper reading, tutorial & assignments as compare to feeling the sadness of lossing you. garry rank were called in to be the middle person...
on the other hand, the youngest late auntie of mine was at crucial and final stage of fighting off cancer, everyone, literally everyone in the family is crying
and crushing down like nobody's business. i told myself that i have to stay tough for them, i couldnt crush down like everyone or they would have no one to fall
back on; weekly tutorials assignments for labour economics is driving me crazy,
we have to submit weekly assignment after 10 20 hours of research papers & text
books readings & researching...and yet, at the end of the day, that assignment
is only worth 1 mark..i am exhausted, and torn apart between issues, so panic, helpless, pressurised, stressed & mentally illed that i thought the only way out
is to kill my lecturer, until i called up the counselling center for help. two weeks later, i was hospitalised for appendices operation. hospitalised & going through operation all alone when overseas. it is depressing, but i guess god heard
my prayer. it is the exact break i needed back then. it was saddening, signing
the agreement that hospital will have to bear no responsibility if anything go wrong during the operation. i remembered the nurse asking me, dont you have family, relatives in perth? i shoke my head. friends? i smirked. friends that even said "sorry we meant to come but we couldnt make it", how could i even count on one that couldnt even make it to the hospital to sign such important agreement for
me? i have no friends in perth that could sign that agreement for me..let alone
you being away in singapore, broken up, i am all on my own. i signed, laid down
, and told myself, i chose to come to perth to further my studies, to run away from my broken family, run away from my father that only loves son in the first place, i made my choice, i chose my path, i have to face and bear with whatever consequence that it comes with. i am alone, and i have to count on myself, and i
cant complain coz i chose it in the first place.
life after operation is tough..not being able to sleep on flat bed, not being able to move around much, not being able to do my laundry, do my grocery as i couldnt carry heavy stuff...and i was hospitalised again the very same nite after being discharged, due to complication. Linda told u that i was hospitalised & operated. despite all this, you still didnt come back to perth, just because shalim
asked you: " what changes could you make even if you were to go back to perth?"
should i blame Shalim for being practical? or should i be angry with your selfish nature? if i loved someone, lets not mentioned if i am not tied down with a job, i would just chuck away everything and go there, just to take care of the person i once loved, regardless whether he/she will love me again, as long as the
person is single. this is the duty of an ex lover, or, responsibility of a friend, at least. a close friend. you were not working back then, you claimed that you love me, but u wont come to perth just because we have broken up, and because
you bought into shalim's idea that you couldnt change anything after all. you loved someone and you asked things in return when ppl is at the lowest point of life, at most fragile stage? what harm would it cause you to fly over n take care
of a patient who is recovering from opeartion n struggling from homework & assignments?
i came home shortly after graduation..still, i didnt make a trip down to singapore. we kept in touch with msn, sms & phone calls, constantly bring up why we broke up, finger pointing, and you constantly shut down completely, refusing to communicate.
time flies. i still thought of you, constantly. life in perth , junctions at maning road & albany high way always flash before my eyes. till now, i refuse to flip through photos we have, be it hard copy or soft copy. i couldnt estimate what
impact it would bring, nor do i have the guts to re-read letters and cards you
wrote me. somehow, i am glad i didnt manage to learn exporting emails from outlook 3 years ago like the way i could do today, otherwise, no guarantee i wont cry
if i were to revise on those exchange of emails..
Till recently, i saw you posting an testimonial for one of your pals saying that
she has laughter that melts one's heart..i cant help feeling jealous..and it was also the same article i get to know that, the lamb plush toy photo that you showed, the one that i wanted, and the one you promised you have bought for me, is
the gift from her. i confessed to you that, i think may b we should both move
on. you didnt say much..and remain quiet as you'd normally be...few days later,
i realised that you have deleted me from your friend list in friendster. i was speechless,felt rejected & angry. so now i am officially off your life, out of your circle, and i am not even your friend? i didnt say anything, nor did i protest, what's the point.
you have received offer from a foreign bank to work in shanghai. you are curious
over this opportunity and cant be more eager in improving your mandarin. hence,
you asked me for advice on writting and speaking mandarin. we resumed communication. nonetheless, i teased you saying why wont you go asking you why wont u go n ask those friends of yours on friendster? you asked if you could add me back onto friendster again. i thought to myself. what's the point. once rejected, there's crack and there's wound. regardless how well one recovered,
there's always scar...i said, let things stay as it is, there's no turning back.
. i advised you on things that you should pay attention to if you really wanna be an expat, and what are the packages you should negotiate with your potential employer if you really wanna join the cooperation, base on the package i see the
expat enjoying in the mnc i am working for. despite not knowing what terms we are on, i remain supportive as a friend, as i would always be, saying you should go ahead n try if you really wanna explore the world outside singapore. you reverted to me later on saying you bypass the opportunity of going to shanghai. and i
have no huge problem with that. to be totally honest, i prefer u staying in singapore, somehow, i felt you are closer.
it was on sunday, i sms you out of the blue, asking you if you would be free next year in march to go travelling in japan, having the thought in mind that we might no longer be couple, but we can be activity partner, cant we? we've gone through so much together and you're the most perfect match i have ever found. there
's no reply. i called you again on monday morning, there's no answer for the 1st
call and subsequently, it went into voice mail box. i left you a voice message
saying that i called. you still didnt call back. on monday evening, i went really desperate after trying to call you and there's still no reply on your hand phones.i am so worried that, wondering, pondering, would anything bad have happened
to you? touch wood, but would you have gotten into an accident? i was so desperate that, despite knowing your parent would have recognised my voice, i still called. thank god, it was your dad that picked up. he is very polite, but i thanked him for offering to convey the message to you and promised that i would call back again. rather than sitting around waiting, i smsed you again
explaining i was worried about you, desperate n hence called your house. you finally reply your sms. you said you were in genting. i called you on your cell phone again asking why didnt you call me since you are in town. you defended yourself saying taht you were with your colleague.
so..i guess..i am not even as close to you as your colleague. i remembered that
you'd never call those ppl you know in the city, of which we go travelling coz
you never know the m well. it also means that you wanna be independent and dont
wish to trouble those that you are not close to. i am really, extremely offended
that i am now being categorised in the same level as all those unknown passer by on the street.
to rub more salt on the wound, i appeared online on tuesday morning. both you and linda were online. linda msg me after a long while, the 1st thing she said to
me is : " he is going to shanghai , you know, dont you" ? i thought she is asking me a question, hence, i msn-ed you and said " linda is asking me whether you are going to shanghai, plz reply". being burried by workload, i couldnt spare more attention to this issue. it was later, after me being away on excel spreasheet
while linda continue typing, i realised linda is not asking me a question. she
is basically telling me your decision of going to shanghai, she even know when you are departing and how long you are going to stay there.
how dumb, stupid, foolish am i to think that i am still that significant to you?
you were never close to linda. but now even linda knows that you are going to shanghai and i would have to wait for linda to convey me the message? it was tonite, i saw again, an exchange of testimonial betweeen you and that girl that you
described as having laughter that melt one's heart.. equally sweet message praising each other.
it was on thursday nite, when my supervisor Damien asked me whether i have ever
thought of running my own business, i thought of the dream we once had, that we,
owning a small store in karawara, catering for hard working students that study
(or play) whole nite, coming to eat our bbq char siu chicken, your yummy yong tau foo instant noodle, my luncheon meat fried rice..... i told damien that that dream was never to earn big bucks out of it, but because we enjoy the life in perth, and to earn a living out of it yet enjoying the feeling that someone enjoys
our dishes..just as theway uncle and auntie in that oriental restaurant in karawara is.. despite knowing how slim the chance that dream will come true given our
current stake..i still, have, some , little tiny bit of hope.. while walking back from dinner with damien, i couldnt explain to him why wont that dream come true but yet i still remain hopeful for it, but i guess deep down in my heart, that dream never die..despite it is slim..despite it is fading away...nonetheless,
after tonite, after what happened this week, i am officially another passer by .
..and i was dumb enough to believe that during these three weeks that i am free
down french class commitment, i could wait till the release of harry potter book
6, go picking up an american copy from singapore, yet drop by for a surprise visit.well, the message hasnt been any clearer as now..if it hadnt been linda, i wont know you are departing for shanghai for two years on 15th july. i would have
gone to singapore on 16th july the release of long awaiting harry potter 6, and
still dumbly call you on your cellphone / house phone, despite you are probably
having a rolling good time with your dearest colleague in shanghai.
it has been a long time. now, i guess, it is really time to go, after this concluding article. i had been given hope, and let down, and given hope..may b it is
too ignorant of me to still believe in all this, believe in us. but i guess, as
this article concludes, so should everything..despite tears cant help rolling down when typing this article, but, the time has come..
let by gone be bygone, and live on the way life should be. so long, my love.
