Re: Truthful's request for help with a love situation 洪恩在线 -> 轻松英语 -> 外教专栏
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Re: Truthful's request for help with a love situation
来源：洪恩论坛 Canuck's Comments
日期：2005-8-23
作者：maryk
阅读：1178 次
Dear Truthful,
I don't want to tell you what to do. You must make up your own mind foryourself so I have taken your post apart and put it together again to make it
shorter. I gathered parts that have to do with the same subject together, and changed the personal pronoun so that you could hear it from a different point of
view. These are, however, mostly your own words.
This is an important question for all who find what they hope is love, on the internet.
Here is the abstract of your post interspersed with my comments:
You met him online three years ago. He in the army of Hainan. He is three years
older than you are. You have often dreamed that you must marry an army man as
also a way of loving your beloved motherland. Once for two months you couldn't call each other. You missed him, cried, and thought that many army families suffer the same. You consider it great that he serves your dear motherland? You feel
proud of him and also of yourself.
[Many romantic feelings that you believe are for him are really tied to
your love of your country. You feel that you can suffer through him,
and in that way serve your country. It would be better for you to
directly serve your country and live your own dreams instead of trying
to live them through another. Why don't you consider enlisting in
your country's armed services in a noncombatant situation, or find
some other way to formally work for your country?]
You soon began to telepone and write. You phoned each other once a week. If you
cannot hear due to static then just holding the phone you are happy for the
connection. You sent him your photos but didn抰 ask for his.]
[He could have sent his in return, without being asked, but he didn't.
Also, you never did ask for his photo, even though you believe you and
he have been in love and waiting for each other for two years. You need
to consider whether it was because you didn't want to break the dream.
You may not have wanted to make it too real. Otherwise, it is very
strange that a girl so deeply in love didn't absolutely long to look
upon the face and into the eyes of her beloved. I think there is a
real problem showing in this situation of no pictures. It could be
a problem on his side as well as yours.
Why didn't he just naturally send you his photo? Remember, you
really never know for sure who you are talking with by internet.
Even by telephone a voice can sound very different from the person.
He may prefer you not know that
a. he is not in the army or
b. he is much older than you think he is or
c. he is a married man or
d. you are not to recognize him if you see him in
your mutual home town together with his wife and kids.
Many young men in uniform post their handsome photographs to the
Hongen pictures that show when you open the forum with your code
name. I often see them. He surely has some photograph of himself
in uniform, so why hasn't he sent it to the woman he loves?
I know these are hard questions, but dear Truthful they are also
realistic questions.]
His hometown is also your home town which was a link between you. Two years
passed. In those two years he came home to your mutual town two times but there
were urgent things that he cannot leave. He always said the work is more important and he must obey the order of his leader. It is basic being an army man. You
say you know, and you believe him.
[He was in your very town twice in those two years. He knew your
address because you wrote to each other. A man in deep love would
have done everything possible to see you somehow. Instead, he blamed
it on the army and his leader's orders. Why would his leader give
him orders to execute during his rare leave home? He knew that
excuse would be enough for you, because you always accept such an
explanation easily since the army means very much to you. The
question really is, why didn't he somehow manage to see you when he
lives in the very same town? This is really highly peculiar. Please
see a.b.c.and d. above for some possibilities.]
He had been away from home for four years, so there are lots of friends and
relatives to visit and you were in your pratice time for your work so
[there was no time for you to meet each other.
[It appears to me that his family makes the decisions for what he does
when he comes home. If not, --is his beloved, whom he has never seen,
so much less important by far, than FRIENDS and RELATIVES? Of course,
the relatives could be a wife and children; you must realize there is
some possibility of that. You could have met each other, had he pushed for
it. You accepted it as partly your fault because you were in your
practice time for your work. I don't believe it was your fault.
Both of you seem to either want to go on with your romantic dream,
or there is some deeper reason as I have already suggested. This is
not the normal way for two true lovers to behave.]
He came back [again] this summer. You asked for one day's leave to meet
him but when he came there was something wrong with your phone and he couldn't make contact with you. The next day it was his sister's birthday, so after waiting for three hours for you, he went back. From that time he didn't call you. You didn't know why.
[Again, this is not the behaviour of a man deeply in love, who has
never had the joy of looking into the real and loving eyes of
his best beloved. OK, so he waited for three hours, and a phone that
didn't work drove him away. He had your address. He could have come to
where he writes to you. Did he? If not, why not? An army man must
be resourceful. You waited all day....He didn't bother to call you
later. You have been very sad about that. What is wrong with him
that he didn't keep trying until he did reach you or somebody that he
could ask about you? He was in the very same town as you, according to
your post. Does he lack so much confidence in himself that he couldn't
do that? He said he is three years older than you. You can be sure he
has heard and seen a lot in his years in the army. He isn't a callow
youth, he is an experienced man.]
He is now back with the army. Two days ago at night he telephoned you and asked
in a low, painful tone why you didn't want to meet him. His family has
found a girlfriend for him but he misses you and cannot forget you. You suddenly
realized he misunderstood you and that you had been waiting or him all the time
.
[I don't know what there was to misunderstand if you told him by phone
or letter that you had the whole day off to spend with him. He spent 3
hours of that time waiting. He went to his sister's birthday the next
day. Did he keep quietly sneaking out as any true lover would, to try
again to reach you by phone? Did he leave early with diplomatic excuses
so that he could try once again? That's what people who yearn
for their beloved do. They buck all obstacles.
[His family has a lot of influence on him, it seems. He goes to
relatives, friends and sister's birthday instead of ever looking into
your living eyes. Now he tells you they have found a wife for him.
He could tell them he is a member of the new generation and doesn't
need them to find him a wife. That he has already found someone he
is very interested in and that he wants them to meet. They could
meet you, since you all live in the same town, even without him being
present. I suppose it would be difficult for him to tell them that in
those times he has been home he has never managed to meet you in person.
Of course, if he already has a wife that could explain things. Or if he
wants to "string you a line" to "keep you on the string" he would
behave just as he is doing. Men often yearn for women at night.
Quietness and supposed pain in his voice could just be from that.
I know these are very hard points, particularly for an innocent young
woman to have to read, but I'm afraid they are perfectly true, and I
doubt that men and culture change that much from country to country
or even from age to age.]
To comfort yourself since he wasn't able to see you during this last leave
you have read your diary and thought of time you spent together.
[But, dear Truthful, you have never spent time together. You have
only written and spoken by phone.]
You ask: [Should we] wait for each other for another two years in [this]
situation? More than two years have passed already.
Your inner self knows the "situation" isn't right because you used
that word. You also know that you have spent two years on him
and the word "already" is another important word that you used.
You want to know if you should spend at least four years of your
young life waiting for a man whose picture you haven't even seen.
*********
Now I would like to tell you about Jim and my granddaughter. Theycorresponded by email and spoke by telephone many times during the yearthey knew each other. They also exchanged pictures. Their two motherseven came to know each other by phone. Jim was from Utah, a state faraway from where our granddaughter lives here in Canada. Both of his parents
are highly placed and trained professionals. The families are a goodmatch.
At last they decided to meet. There were many arrangements made and he
travedlled to Canada where she and her family picked him up. I have been
asked not to go into exact details of his problems even with my husband.
Our granddaughter almost immediately decided that she probably wouldn't go on with the relationship and talked with her Mom about what to do about the
rest of his visit. She is going to let him down as lightly as she can,
probably by writing and phoning less and less.
I can only say that he displayed what seems to be quite a scary psychological problem, he had some disturbing physical health problems and also some annoying lacks in personal cleanliness. He wasn't using basic table manners, and didn't seem to know not to talk loudly at table in a restaurant, or how to be courteous
to people working to serve you there.
The family here took good care of him, even going far beyond the requirements ofhospitality, partly to spare themselves, and partly in kindness to him. He said
he wished my daughter was his mother, poor boy. But he is too big a problem to
handle, and that will have to be the end of that. :-(
Truthful, There is a big difference beteween writing, talking on the phone,
even seeing photographs; and getting to know a man in person. Even a day isn'tenough time for you to know him well enough to promise yourself to him. Please
think very carefully about your own situation with this man. If you decide to continue you must first see his picture, and you must meet him in person. And surely he should also show by his actions, and not only words, that you are his real beloved. He needs to put himself out to meet you and to please you. You
need to come first in his life -- before friends and relatives other than his parents. That is the very least that to me seems to be required before you decide
to spend another two years of your life on him
He may be the kind of man who likes to have a girlfriend to keep things from getting too boring in the army and to mention when other guys talk about their wives or girl friends. I don't think what you have in this situation is true love between you, after seeing the distillation of your own words. Becareful not to waste years, hurt your inner self, or damage the rest of your life.
Warmly and with caring, Mary
