Dear Google,
In two earlier posts you wrote what is quoted below. In the first you described
your marriage. In the second you gave your opinion of men -- clearly influenced by the life you have with your husband. Then you found out that your husband
has a lover in Shanghai whom he made it clear he doesn't want you to cause any trouble with so that he can keep her. Maybe he wishes he could marry her. It seems as though his whole spirit is brighter due to her influence. You saw the great changes yourself. He even keeps himself and his apartment in much better condition, and for you he wouldn't even brush his teeth. He made sure that you can't get work in Shanghai by not allowing you to go ahead with your English upgrading. You finally decided you should try to go to Shanghai, and you blamed yourself for his straying from the marriage, and yet now you have, to your surprise,
found a young man with whom your enjoy bed and love. This isn't at all surprising because "nature abhores a vaccuum." You have a vaccuum in your marriage just
waiting for someone to rush in and fill it. You can't be sure at this point whether this is really love you have with this younger man, or if it is simply relief to be treated as a woman should be treated. -- A way which your husband certainly hasn't treated you.
Have you thought that your husband may want to marry the other woman? Have you
thought how it would be if you live with a man and your husband lives with a woman, and that is your marriage? You have a lot of careful thinking and considering ahead of you. Your little son needs to be your great concern. But so does your own life. You own your life. Your husband doesn't own you. You need to consider your own welfare, too.
Also in an earlier post you wrote to a young woman and repeatedly told her how young she was, and how she has so many choices she can make. You wrote as thoughyou were not young. That's because you married the wrong man. That is why youhave been so disgusted with men. You have been disgusted by your own man.
Now you must be careful and use your brains. You must be absolutely sure of thecharacter of this man whom you believe you love and who you believe loves you before you tie yourself to him.
I am not one of those who think a woman should spend her whole life in a marriage such as you described in the quote from your man-hating letter, #1 below. By
the way, no wonder you felt the way you did. You had good reason. A man who has a wife to cook and clean may as well hire a maid rather than make a woman's heart break as he just uses her as a servant and a cheap bedmate on rare occasions
.
I think things are not going to get any better with this husband of yours unless
you are happy and willing to let him have his mistress, or mistresses. However
, both of you love your little boy.
It is a very big problem my dear Catlin. I really can't advise you. I thinkyou have an excellent mind and enough worldly marriage experience now to work this out. You could hurt yourself if you aren't very careful. The hurt would come if you misjudge the present man. And the hurt would come if you must give up
your little son. And the hurt could come if you find in the end that you
actually do love your husband and the marriage could go on well enough if youwere to move to Shanghai and he was to give up his mistress. But from all you wrote about that, does it seem likely? You have to be the one to decide these things.
I don't know anything about how divorces are handled in China. If you decide on
a divorce you will need to get good legal advice from a lawyer who is skilled in handling divorces. If your husband really loves that woman you may decide together on an amicable divorce and to let your son spend certain holidays and a certain amount of time with each of you. That doesn't always work out well, but it is what is often done here.
It seems you live with your parents. It seems that you are employed as a school
teacher, and earn your own money. It seems that your husband almost never comes home to see you or his son. I think you said something like 21 days a year.
What kind of a marriage is this? It appears to me that you could live in exactly the same way without this man who comes to make his demands. What are you getting out of this marriage? Are you getting some kind of financial support? If
not, why are you in this marriage, anyway, because it seems that you are getting
nothing else at all out of it except your dear son, of course.
And yet, as I read back I see you became quite jealous of the other woman. That
you began to feel that showed that you love your husband. Maybe you felt thatwas what you had to say to the friends on the forum. At that time you hadn't met this new person, and you seemed to want to stick with your marriage.
My dear, dear Google. Be very careful. Be wise. If you would be better off
divorced, then maybe you should get a divorce even if you don't have a future with the new man. The future you have to look forward to with your husbandlooks quite bleak and the question is, why should you give the rest of yourlife to such a person? Especially if he is going to have a mistress, or mistresses. The great problem is the little boy.
More I can't say. Take it step by step. Decide whether to get a divorce first.
Don't rely on the new man in making any decision. Think of it only from thepoint of view of not having any husband at all. And of course, about your son.
If you get a divorce, then only think about another man, and marriage with him,
if that still seems wise to you after your life has settled down again after the
divorce. You seem to have enough experience now to make a wise decision.
That's all I find in my heart to say to you my dear Catlin. My heart goes outto you in sympathy. Please stay in touch. And take very good care of yourselfthrough this difficult time of stress. That is important.
Warmly and with affection, Mary
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I would like to sell my husband if anyone like. I feel so sad that I have such a
husband. Why I am so unlucky to have such a husband. And will I just live like
this for so long life? I don't know. But I can't control my life. I am so miserable that I came to netbar today to write down my feeling.
My husband worked in Shanghai. And we don't live in the same city. So I often lonely. But I seldom miss him. Why? Because he can't have the ability to help me get rid of my loliness. Only he gave me a marriage that help me to say good bye to single, otherwise I don't know how other person look at me. But of course I need man's love. And I often receive some men's love from the net. But I dare not
get it. Why? Because I am so traditional, I would not allow me to betray my husband before divorce. But I often feel so miserable.
This summer holiday, I went to Shanghai to see my husband. Although he earns more than before, but he is still so 小气。And he lived in a rented room. It is so
simple compared with my decrocated family. He feel lonely in Shanghai. So when I
get to Shanghai and cook for him, he feel so happy. Yes, he feel happy. But how is my feeling? I cook and wash and clean everyday. Never mind, if I like him,
I would like to do such things. But he is so uncooperated. He never brush his teeth in the evening even I told him again and again I don't like. He don't like to listen, when I told him some content of TV series, his behavior is so indifferent. Although I told him I want to chat, I like to talk about such content, he still don't like to listen. Then what can I get from him? He don't give me money,
all the vegetables I buy need my own money. He don't listen my chatting. I must do all the housework, but feel still so lonely.
And the saddest thing is that this morning he says he still don't want me to attend the english trainning class. I have entered for self-taught exam for English
. And only left an oral exam. If I pass it, I can get the diploma. But He never
support my learning. Although I told him if I get the diploma I can find a work
in Shanghai and accompany with him. He still don't support me. His reason is very simple. You have already have 大专 diploma, that's enough for teaching plementary school. But I am a teacher in middle school. He think work in middle school
is so hard. He would not like me to work in middle school. just 小学
; is enough.
And if I work in 小学, I would not feel pressure. And I can have time to do housework.
This is my husband. So selfish a man. Oh, if i have chance to reelected, I would not give him the chance. I hate him. I wish him to death. Every selfish person
would not have a good end. He used marriage to control my life. I feel so sad.
I don't like my job. Now I work as a computer room manager. But I love english so much. And now I have so failed family. why I always so unlucky?
And is the god punishing me? If god don't like me, why let me to go to this miserable world to torture me? I hate! I hate god! I hate life! I hate everything!
Life is so miserable things. Why I am still alive? Why I live in the world? What is my living goal? Just cook and wash and cleaning room for such a man?
Oh, who want my husband? If anyone want, I want to sell
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"But as a husband, they don't worth love. Do you think American president Clinton is worth loving? Because there exit discrimination on women in society, man get a lot of bad habits. They are selfish and lazy. What they do most is recieve,
not dedication. Many girls will say," oh, my boyfriend cares for me very much. They respect and love me, I feel so honey." But how about their behavior in marriage? Girls should open your eyes widely. When you get into every family, you will see the same scene, wife are with all hands full, they are busy in cleaning, cooking and washing. What about the husband? Oh, you will see them sit in front of the TV or computer, lighting a cigarette and drinking the tea. There is nothing need he to do. His reason is just " why I marry you? You are the person who
I marry for washing and cooking." How selfish they are! After cooking, wife need to feed the child first, then clean all the dirty plates and bowls. Where is the husband? After eatting the
delicious food, they will light a cigarette and go to bed. If you quarrel with
him, he will think you are not mild and virtuous. Why they came back? Because they are hungry. Because their clothes is dirty. Because they want sex. All they
left for the family is nothing, just "I want". I am hungry, so you must cook. My
clothes is dirty, so you need to wash the clothes. I have some physical demand,
so you must satisfy me. That's all. What can woman get from the marriage is just child. Possessing a child make women more beautiful and happy. So I think most men do not worth love. Today's women face heavy work both in home and in society. In unit, they must work well to earn money to support the family. At home, they do most of the housework. They must care for their husband and child. Even they are very tired, they must insist on. If not, their must be a storm in the family. Do you think it is fair? Do you still think men is worth loving? What's more, some excellent men who care for his woman colleague very much, but do you know how does he treat with his wife? Men are good at doing some external work. If you want to understand a man more, just look how he treat with his wife and child.
At last I want to quote one of Jiabaoyu's(the hero of famous Chinese masterpiece <<dream of the red chamber>>) sentence to finish my post, men were made of mud, woman were made of water. It was so incisive. "
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