Dear Jeannie,
It seems to me that the wife in your story was something of a saint. The
story goes like this: she learns at his deathbed, for the first time,
that her husband has had a mistress for some time. She is able to accept
the shock of the new information, forgive him, send for the mistress, and
even apparently, be present while he says his tender goodbyes to the
mistress; goodbye's that should rightfully have been hers. If she wasn't present, who else could have been privy to the whole story? As I said, the woman was,
at that moment, almost a saint.
After the emotional experience of the deathbed confession was over, thefaithless husband dead and gone on to the next life where his life's
actions would be judged, and everyone else had gone back to their usual
places, no doubt she finally had time to brood and mull over just what had happened at the death bed, and in their marriage. I am willing to bet that
she didn't always feel so saintly about it afterwards. She was able to
rise in a noble way to the occasion at the deathbed due to the emotion of
the circumstances, which carried her through, but it is human to consider
later, and to feel hurt and rebellious. Probably she was often angry at
her husband and the mistress, and turned everything over and over in her
mind many times. No doubt she asked herself if she had felt any change
when he first turned to the other woman? If she could have done anything
about it? And on and on. In fact, something similar to what dear Google experienced when she discovered that her husband had a mistress whom he
didn't want disturbed by his wife's coming to live with him in Shanghai.
Faithfulness in marriage is most important. We humans are more than
animals, and we need to rise above the animal side of our natures to our
higher selves, in order to advance as individuals, and as a society.
Strong societies are built on strong families. Introducing a third party
into your marriage is no way to be noble or just, or to build a strong
family. It could break a woman's heart to know that her husband was
enjoying himself in another woman's arms and cossetting her, while the
true wife got what was left over, along with his covering-up lies.
It is pragmatic to assess the situation from a material point of viewand decide what will work best, but it may be that the heart cannot accept
what the mind recommends as the most practical solution: namely to be quiet
and accept betrayal. The heart, mourning its betrayal, can cause both
physical and psychological troubles. The times we live in are not the past,
when women were kept ignorant. Today, women all over the world are
becoming enlightened and the old ways of exploiting them simply don't
work any more because so much is rapidly changing in the new age in which
we live.
Many women still must decide to be pragmatic and stay in betrayed marriages
because they are not able to care for their children and themselves, without
the man's material assistance as well as their own efforts. If they divorce
they usually end up being single parents of a child or children who must beraised in semi-poverty or poverty. This hampers the life of both mother and child. Knowing this, today many noble and self-sacrificing women still
divorce. And knowing this, today many noble and self-sacrificing women stay
in betrayed marriages. The breakdown of marriage is causing poverty and
poorly raised children in many parts of the world today and the outlook
isn't good.
Humans need to strive to subdue their animal side to their higher self.
That's how families become fortresses for wellbeing, and whole societies
flourish. They need help and guidance to be able and motivated to do so.
To encourage nobility of life and the conditions for it is the reason that
the Unknowable periodically sends an inspired Prophet with the teachings
and social laws humanity needs for the conditions of that time.
Today, marriages arranged by others and marriages based mostly on
materialistic reasons don't function well. This is a different time from
when they did. In the past when there were different laws some variation
of this worked, but it doesn't any longer. That's because this is a newera in the life of humanity. Now marriages need to be made by the
prospective partners coming to thoroughly know each other's character, sothey choose each other, and then must seek the permission to marry of all
four living natural parents. They accept the parents' considered judgement.
This makes for an excellent balance between individual choice and parental consent, and it works well because it suits the needs of the whole world
as it is in our times. It brings about the loving support of the parents to
the new family and creates a harmonious marriage which is a fit place to
nurture a child.
The relationship between wife and husband should be intended to lastforever, in this world and afterwards. The aim of the couple is to be like
two birds in one nest, and to be united, agreed, through their mutual love
and faith. Their aim is friendship and caring and to strengthen each other
in wisdom and goodness.
If something happens that destroys this then a divorce may become necessary.
Before the divorce the couple need to spend a year living apart and
sincerely try to recourt each other and to reconcile. If after a year this hasn
't happened and one or the other, or both, still feel an abhorrence or
there is something that can't be overcome, then a divorce is granted.
The great Prophets have always given social laws that were fit for their
times. Once, due to the needs of the time it was within the law to marry a
sibling. That changed. Once, due to the needs of the time it was within
the law to have a number of wives. That changed. Today the law is one
woman married to one man. Marriage is not to simply be for companionship
between the two (this is known as 'companionate marriage') with no intention
of ever having children. It's purpose is to bring forth those who will
replace their parents. The purpose of life is to carry on an ever
advancing civilization.
There is no religion that teaches that betrayal is a good thing. The laws
for today and for about the next thousand years when another great Teacher
will eventually appear among us have been given and only they will work out best
. It is our choice whether we seek, find and follow them, or not. As
more people do, the affairs of the world will straighten out and it will
become a world-wide civilization that will be fit for the maturity of the
human race.
Partly what is missing in both these stories is the wise marriage law and
the guidance and encouragement and devotion to follow it. Governments can't
legislate noble behaviour. Ultimately it ia a true faith that allows us
to overcome self, and that guides and encourages noblility. The further
away we move from the guidance of faith, the more mixed up things become.
This is because all things have been made new again in this period of time
of the coming of age of the entire human race. That's the aim of our time,
and we all need to move in accordance with our times. Anything not in
accordance with the new age fails to work any more. This is the cause of
all the disfunction you see everywhere in every direction today.
Nevertheless the chaos is destined to sort itself out into new stabilityagain. I expect how long it takes depends on all of us. :-)
Warmly,
Mary
