Dear friends,
You know, I've been married for 49 years now. After all the childrenleave home, and have mates and children of their own, I'm here to tell youthat the dearest one to you, you will often find if all goes well, is your mate.
Before that you were very busy with many things, and perhaps couldn't really give yourself a chance to feel, in depth, how good your marriage
really was.
Now that your children are all launched there are the two of you. Thenyou find out what had been developing underneath, through all the years.
I hope you will find, like me, that your mate is the dearest person inthe whole world to you.
Don't just fall in love. Try to be rational about it and decide ahead of
time what you hope for in a husband or wife. Please don't immediately fasten
on appearance or money. The most important thing of all is character. When
there is a good, kind, honest and caring character, all things are possible.
Try to make an opportunity to see how your mate treats his or her ownfamily, when not conscious that you are aware and thinking about it. That
is likely the way you will be treated if you marry this person. Be especially
of the behaviour of the father of a man, or the mother of a woman. If a girl, and you like what you see of her mother's behaviour to her husband and family, that is a very good sign. If a boy, and you like the way his father behaves and lives his life, and is toward his wife and family, that is a good sign.
Remember that this one you are interested in has had the example of
what a man is, mainly from his father. She has had the example of whata woman is, mainly from her mother. The one you may choose as your matewill not be exactly the same as mother or father, of course. But theparental and family influence is very strong.
Try not to fall in love before you know about these things. Really
try. So that you will not make a mistake because of your physicalattraction and infatuation. Those are the things that can turn into love, butcan also take over and rule your mind and cause you to make a serious mistake, if you let them.
I found it was a good idea to go out with anyone who asked me, so longas I felt I would be safe. I decided I would continue to go out with sucha person and not stop, unless I found something against a potential marriage. Just as soon as I saw anything in the man, that I thought I would not want in a husband I stopped going out with that person. I wasn't husband-hunting. I was just taking care right from the beginning, not to get emotionally entangled with
an unsuitable man and make a big, big mistake. There were eight in a row before
my Ben, who were duds in one way or another. Because of those experiences I was able to see through surface things to Ben's true qualities, although overlayinghis appearance were things that spoiled it. I never came across anything thatwas against a potential marriage in Ben. So I never stopped going out with him.
So here we are! Still going out together. ;-)))
His behaviour and way of being never, ever disappointed. Andwhen I found out that he was actually very handsome under the appearance
mistakes in hair, beard, mustache and clothing, I knew I had an absolute gem!
And so, in my opinion, I have the best of all possible husbands for me.
Now that we are growing old alone together we actually love each othermore and more. Who would have imagined at 18 or 19 years old how wonderful
such older love is? It is just as romantic and just as wonderful in its ownway. I want you to know this so that you don't believe all the hokum aboutpeople as they age. If you take care of yourselves healthwise, and make sure you are attractive looking to each other and yourself, things will go well.
I probably should also add that neither of us were Baha'is yet when we met,
or when we married. However, we met through a Baha'i, and we both knewsomething about it. Therefore, I knew it was important for parents to
approve. Ben often visited and knew my parents, and my mother especiallycame to really like him. By the end of his life my father said to methat he thought Ben loved him better than any of his other children. Now,
true or not, that is quite a statement from a father-in-law. My pointis that Ben asked my parents for permission to marry me, and they gaveit. I wrote to Ben's parents as soon as we became engaged, and they wereoverjoyed to have a connection with their son again, because he wasn't agood writer. I know that both Ben's parents came to love me very much.
So, I advise you not to accept an arranged marriage unless you have madethe choice of man first, and then the parents of both of you agree. Listencarefully to what parents may have to say. In most cases, they want thevery best for you. If they see something that worries them it is worthhearing and careful consideration. I hope you will all find mates who areworthy, and whom both your parents agree are marriageable for you.
This is a balance between the way it is done in the East and the way it is
done in the West. Both of which are extremes. It is a moderate way between the two and it helps to bind marriages together and makes for happy families. traditional ways. Ben and I and all our four children with their mates are here to prove that it works. Our children all asked for parental consent after theychose for themselves and we didn't interfere. Then we came to know the peopleand found we could give consent. I have seen cases where the parents refusedconsent and the marriages were quite troubled because of what the parents hadforeseen as problems.
I'm telling you this to hearten you all. Take care, dear friends. My otherpiece of best advice is don't live together before marriage. The crude waysome have put it is "why buy it if you can get it free?" Another less crudeway of putting it is the old way that mothers used to tell their daughters:
"Would you buy the shopworn gloves, or would you buy the pristine pair that have
not been shop-soiled? So if you have sex before marriage that makes you shop-soiled." I know these are old-fashioned today.
Consider that people in common-law marriages have far more break-ups than those
who have legally married. Even though common-law marriages are legally accepted
as a marriage here, after a year, and what is owned is common property unless a
marriage contract has been made. Also co-habiting before marriage and thenmarrying doesn't have a good enough track record when it comes to divorce.
Think about those old time marriages that used to last longer than marriages
do today. Just think about it. About half the marriage here today end in divorce. I know that the religious ties and frowning upon divorce kept marriages together in the past, too. But I also know that most people didn't even *think* about divorce, even when it was possible. They just persevered and built something together. I'm curious what you will reply. :-))
Take care in your choice, and don't allow passion and lust to dictate to you,
and use your common sense, and you will be glad you did.
Warmly, and with affection for you all, Mary
