Dear Dragonfly,
It seems that you do truly love your husband and that he loves you. That giveslots of hope for an excellent and steadily improving marriage.
He is an angry man when he strikes out like that. Partly it could be because you had been staying in your daughter's room, instead of with him and in your room
together. I know you had to study very hard, and I hope all the sacrifices you
both made for those studies will prove to have been worthwhile. It is really very frustrating to a man to have his lived wife in the house and yet not have her with him to cuddle.
Another thing may be involved. That is whether he feels you have high respect for him. You have written before, and said now that Now it is important that you
don't think about and bring these things up to him, and that they are not foremost in your mind. The way to overcome this is to think always about what he is
good at. And always notice his good qualities. Focus on the things that are extra good in him, and ignore the others. He will begin to feel that you really
respect, care for, and appreciate him for what he really is.
If he has big strong muscles and that makes you feel safe or charmed, tell him that. If he has a happy heart and an upbeat way about him be sure to mention it.
Tell him how wonderful it is that he didn't insist that you must have a son and that you must let your little darling daughter go, so that a son would come that would fit into the one child needs of your country. There are men who would
have insisted that their one child be a son, I think. Whatever at all you can notice that is good in his talents, qualities or behaviour be sure to say so to him at the time when you notice it. Be specific. Don't just say "you are such a
kind man." Say I noticed what a kind heart you have when you helped to free that puppy from the wire fence the other day. I'm so glad you're that kind of man
and give him a hug or a little kiss. Just begin to watch for the good things,
excellenbt qualities or talents and mention them.
He will become much happier. I think that will help very much to get rid of his
possible underlying tensions, and it will also help you and your daughter. By
focusing only on his good qualities those are what will grow and negative things
will dwindle. You will think of him more and more strongly that way. Your daughter will hear you telling him about what you see and love in him. For instance, if he has a kind, soft gaze in his eyes, tell him when he does. If he has nice thick glossy hair, say so. Whatever is good, say it. When your daughter hears these things that are truthful about her father coming from you she will believe them and begin to observe them for herself, too, and she won't have something of a dislike for her father which you said she seems to have now. It isn't good that she has that.
Eventually ask your husband to tell you when he sees good things he like in you,
too. You will be delighted when he does, and it will light up your spirit.
Be sure to hug each other often. Especially when you see each other in the morning first, and when you part, and at night before sleep. It will be good for your daughter to see this, too. It is very good for a child to see that her parents love each other. It makes her feel much more secure and she will learn how to see the qualities in others. She will know what to expect of respect and love
and appreciation between husband and wife. This will eventually help her in her choice of mate and in her own marriage.
As in your culture many Chinese men don't feel comfortable about showing their feelings and being emotionally outgoing, you may need to encourage your husband if he is a little aginst it, or somewhat shy and feels uneasy or uncomfortable.
If he is willing to persist I'm almost sure he will get to love it, and you will
all love each other very much.
There is one more thing left that I feel would be helpful. It is this: All of you should make it your pledge together to "make your home a haven of rest and peace." Baha'u'llah said this is very important. Ben and I consciously do it. It
doesn't mean having a fancy house, and expensive belongings. It means making it charming, cosy, and peaceful around you as you go through your lives at home.
Just move things where they will convey the warmest feeling. You will find that your home will bloom and it will be a haven for all three of you. This has to
do with behaviour, too, and the kinds of music, and the kinds of tv or films you
allow into your nest. Use colours that you enjoy. For instance abag used to give a gift makes a colourful room accent. It may hold things, or it may not. Smaller ones are good for holding pens, scissors, tape, pencils, erasers, and so on. Colourful little pillows, and either artificial or real flowers, have books you want to read near your chair, and places to set down a cup. All that kind of thing.
Maybe you don't need me to tell you any of these things, dear Dragonfly. But this post isn't only for you. It's for anybody on the forum who wants to make a change for the better in their own home and their family life. Protect and develop your home and your relationships so that you three will truly have a haven of
rest and peace to come to, away from this restless, demanding and fast changing
world.
Dear Dragonfly, I'm glad that things seem to be working out. I think if you useyour excellent feeling, sensing and thinking abilities which have often shown in
your posts for looking only at the good in your man and your child you will be
delighted as you see your nurturing bring forth little fresh green sprouts of change and betterment in his and all your lives and feelings.
Warmly and with caring, Mary
