Dear Deshane,
I always try to reply in a way that may help a number of people who may have the
same problem. I also realize that it could seem bold and not humble to offer advice here. It isn't only that I am an elder that I offer advice. It is also because what I recommend has stood the test of time. We say, "the proof of the pudding is in the eating." I am very happy to say that the results I have found from living the kind of advice I offer here are excellent. One of my hopes in life is that all of you will be able to live the most positive lives possible.
Don't worry, friend Deshane, I remember Blue Tibet very well, and I know he is a
sensitive and tender young person. I also know that he is a good person. I want to see him have some guidelines in life. Of course, he may be fortunate to have them already from his own relatives. But then again, maybe he is shy about
asking relatives his questions, or sharing his heartaches. Some of his people may downplay the strength of his feelings just because he is young, and because he didn't even speak with the girl. Nevertheless, he is suffering and he needs to know how to proceed from now on. Don't you agree that would be helpful? I don't really believe in the "throw them in to sink or swim." I think a fewswimming instructions first would be more helpful before they are thrown in!
The problem as I see it today in the West, and I expect perhaps less so in the East, is that many people are floundering in life. They have few solid anchors any more, and little guidancej, even from family. This is partly because life has changed so much and so quickly, and partly because children here no longer are
usually able to spend much time with parents and grandparents and learn from observation and instruction from them. Partly it's because many of their parents'
lives have been mismanaged for various reasons, and the parents themselves have
suffered damaging calamities which have not been good for their children and descendants.
Yes, I certainly am an elder! :-)) In China, elders are respected, I know that, too. How could I be anything else and have been married for fifty years to my dear Ben. If an elder has not become brain injured by age, or depressed, or other things which can happen to them, then the life experience gleaned from observation and experience usually offers a lot that can help younger people survive
life better. Elders often have a perspective that is sorely needed by younger
people. We elders, in the face of death, have decided what is of real importance, and truly live now according to what we have come to find really matters in the long run. All of you are also being forced into that direction. All of you
will learn much more wisdom before you leave this world.
I will tell you why I feel it is alright for me to offer my guidance and comment
to the friends here on the forum. It isn't only because I am an elder. We have a saying in the West that "the proof of the pudding is in the eating." In this case I think I have something to offer here on the forum because my pudding of
life, thankfully, has worked well for all of us, and for a very long time. Long enough to see the fruits of this approach to life. The principles of life (often being rejected today, but which will surely return because they work and many
of the so-called new ways don't) have brought love, stability, unity, capacity,
lawfulness, ability, friendship and friendliness to a number of linked families
. It is these principles of life that I offer. "The proof of the pudding is in
the eating." So here's how the pudding tastes: --
My brothers and I were fortunate in many important ways in our home family environment. So was Ben. Although he had to experience a war and suffer much after
it, the basics were in place for us to be basically emotionally solid and able to live sound lives. Many difficult situations of life allowed me much time to experience many difficult things. But these eventually turned out to be the best
things that could have happened. None of the people I mention of below have ever been rich. Often they have been under financial strain. Some still are. OK
-- so I feel confident to share what I know and learned because of being married to the same man for fifty years, and we still are in love, as well as best of
friends and companions. That proves we know something about making a solid marriage. Probably your own 50 years married grandparents who still love each other
and don't just stay together because of duty, also know a thing or two worth your hearing.
Ben and I have four children whose maturity of spirit has had long enough to prove itself. We also have eight grandchildren, the eldest 24, next 22, 2 are 18,
then 16, 11, 8 and 5. All are good people. None takes drugs. All did or do alright in school. None has had any trouble with the law. They are spiritually minded and caring. Not lazy, and intelligent and trustworthy. Ben and I are good friends with our own siblings, some of their children, and everybody in our own families, and extended families on both sides. Ben and I have caring and friendly relations with the parents and siblings of our children's mates. Our kid'
s mates are all good people of the same quality as our own kids. None of our children has had to go through a divorce.
Not all these families are Baha'is. Our own parents and siblings are not Baha'is
although my mother was and one of my brothers is. The mother of one of our kid
's husbands is a Bahai', and one other whole family among the families our kids
married into are Baha'is. I say this to tell you that it isn't just Baha'is who can figure out how to manage unified and healthy families. However, all of these people believe in God and follow religious principles from their
own Faiths.
As Ben and I can say what we have worked for has turned out well, I feel it is alright to offer knowledge that will certainly be helpful to others. Everybody has to suffer their own pain and harden up, as you said about Blue Tibet's experience of love, it but if there is a willing ear, it may be possible to smooth the
path so that unnecessary pain isn't caused.
Thanks for your thoughtful and humourous reply, Deshane. I know you won't
tease me because I'm an old lady and you are a fine Chinese gentleman, a mature
adult, who still retains the excellent Chinese quality of respect for elders.
;-))
Affectionately, Mary
