Streams of Life (16)
It has been a few days since my friend and I kicked off the party. We sorted out
all the menial tasks and were ready to dive into our teaching plans, the intellectual tasks. Before the party, we once envisioned what all would be like when
we put our heart into the intellectual tasks. Would it be more challenging? Surely it would. But would it also mean that we would have more problems to deal with it?
Days have slipped by since then. What have we achieved up so far? I made notes on TESOL manual and four other programs. They were all invaluable. I am reading the book focusing on design of teaching plans. It was resourceful and beneficial.
And I combined my habit of reading literature with what we are aiming to, now that I will probably need to do some teaching as well in near future. I noted down
words baffling me in terms of usage and looked them up in the dictionary with no exception. It was all well thoughtful. But why at times do I still feel baffled, and even crestfallen?
Earlier on I logged onto a few web-blogs of my friends. Honestly, in a moment a
twinge of envy grasped me. It seems their lives are all well organized, whereas
mine is not, not apparently at least. Standing by the window in the dim light of
dusk, I keep asking myself what I should deal with the current awkward situation, and how I could make the situation for better if it is unavoidable.
I remember when I was in school I had, time and time again, tried to envision how my life would be like after I left school. I tired to figure out what I wanted, and how I could get on with it. I tried to find something within me to back
me up no matter where I would be and what I would be doing. I thought I figured
it out. I thought what I had gathered there in school could be enough to mentally and spritually support me after I treaded into the fickle society.
But now apparently it is not so, in that I was so baffled during the past few days, that I just couldn’t help doubting my self-value. Even though I kept telling myself that I was great and everything would turn out all right in time, I frequently got annoyed and those bad feelings wouldn’t fade away no matter how hard I tried. Because those feelings lingered there on my mind, I couldn’t perform
well. Basically, I was wracked.
What should I do then? Back in school, when I said I would be able to cope with
unexpected situations with confidence and ease, I said it resulting from my reasoning. I assumed the possible situations that I would possibly confront and asked myself if I could cope with them. When I give yes to most of them I thought I
was full-prepared. But how silly and gullible it was I thought of that. I thought all the aspects in my mind but forgot that life wasn’t that simple, that I simply could not foresee all the aspects it would possibly present to me.
When I made the conclusion that I was well-prepared, I gave my full trust on it.
But I forgot that dealing with the unpredictable circumstances I need far more
than that. To the least I need to have faith in myself. I need to have it there
always back me up no matter what I would confront. I should doubt or debase
myself under no circumstances, because that’s the backbone on which every other aspect of life was built. Others I might not be able to take charge of, thisat least I should at least. Hopefully it won't be too late to have a change.
