Strems of Life (17)
I hadn’t involved myself in a fight with my friend for a good while. Not until
yesterday. We had fought quite frequently long time ago but not at all during the near few weeks. It was always nightmarish before both of us made the decision
, especially from my part. People say that oftentimes who hurt you most is likely to the one you care for the most. It is absolutely true.
No matter how self-assuring you are, you can always get hurt but the guy next to
you, even if the guy may not be your lifelong partner yet. But because you care
about him that you are simultaneously open to his influence, criticism or skepticism. You keep your gate ajar and allow him to walk in. You feel at ease the state of his being there always. He wins the highest praise of you. He wins the spiritual fragility of you.
I told my friend that we should avoid vehement and unconstructive quarrels to the utmost. To this he agreed. It had been working out quite well. Then how about
yesterday? It started from some trivial issues, but because we were both not in
an ideal state of communion, we ended up with a serious fight. I was not satisfied with his being there squandering away time on his computer, he was against my
being unable to separate personal emotion from working.
I said I could not understand whoever would be so RELAZED there when everything
became so unfathomable, unfavorable and needed to fix soon. He said that I was not capable of dealing with work professionally, by letting personal emotion weight myself down. I said in our situation if one could not get motivated the other
would be unquestionably influenced. He said he would not since he didn’t lack
of initiative as I did. Besides, he would never wear himself down, doubt himself
or what he was doing.
My indignation was triggered to the extent that I was about to lose control, when he said that he was always skeptical that he couldn’t believe me unless he saw my change. He was skeptical now because he hadn’t seen me changing very much
during the past few days. How dare he say that! How dare he ruthlessly poke his
finger at me like that, which was so unfair and so NOT true!
It would have been out of control if we had not decided to sit down in the classroom finally and talk about it. I told him that I didn’t mean to take the business personally, that I didn’t mean to sulkily sit there to reject communication
, and that I didn’t mean it when I criticized his unconstructiveness, given that I knew clearly morning was really not a good time for him to read. What REALLY
made me so angry was that he kept repeating that he couldn’t trust me any more
, that he alleged to do everything on his own from now on, and that he simply jumped to conclusion and shut me away with no discussion upfront. It was no fair to me, and in a way, to both of us.
I hated myself to cry all that while, but I just couldn’t help it. I told him that how the situation would be different if I had not tried to change myself. I
got stressed out by myself and by the outside influences, because everything took so unreasonably long that I felt awkward to explain to everybody. But I managed to channel all my frustration to somewhere else, instead of letting them drag
me down.
My classmates kept adding me to their MSN friend list and enquired my current situation. But what could I say to them? Could I confess to them my awkwardness? I
am too proud to do that. All this I have kept to myself without letting him know, in case it may cause a negative effect on him. I told him that I appreciated
that he forgave me once when I behaved too unreasonable. This time I hoped he could do the same to me. I hoped he could appreciate all my efforts and not be so
unfair to me as to say he hadn’t seen any positive feedback from my side. After
all what could be more frustrating than when your dearest one couldn’t give faith on you and couldn’t appreciate all the efforts you put into?
He said he was sorry. Then he told me that I was not the only one who felt awkward with the current situation. But wasn’t that the same to everybody who started a business? It is true that everything took so long, but wasn’t that unavoidable given we were both novices on what we aimed to accomplish? Even if all the people that we know lost belief on us and what we are doing, shouldn’t we alwaysunshakably keep faith in ourselves, and keep the inner inspiring sparkle from fading away?
I was moved when he told me all this. My eyes were full of tears uncontrollably
when he told me how well he did with his university friends on those projects assigned to them, and how wish he could have again the wonderful feeling of working together with somebody on his beloved projects. In a way isn’t our relationship and what we aimed to do a grand and intriguing project? What else could be more important than what we are striving for? Yes, he said it right. What else could matter more to one than this in one’s whole life? I should let the talk embedded and remain there on my mind for a long time.
