Meandering thoughts
It was an ordinary day as ever. I chucked all the wait-to-be-washed clothes away
and shuffled them into the washing machine. I was annoyed. Somewhat last night
I had a listless night. I dreamed a lot and most of them were not so pleasant. I
recognized some figures of my former classmates, but even though thinking really hard, I couldn’t recall what happened exactly in the dreams. I just remember
I felt really bad.
I didn’t tell my friend about it. I sat alone in the office and struggled with
my second foreign language learning. But my mind was somewhere else. I was thinking later I would have to leave for the shop, and I would have to work really hard for the forthcoming exam. Somehow I found I was not so capable of working on
exams any more. Boredom was beyond me. Textbooks grew on my nerves whenever I drew near to them. And all the contents about city propagandas annoyed me a great
deal.
I wondered what went wrong with me. I had been doing exams all the four years in
the university. At one point I even took pride in that. In my classroom no one
could exceed me in terms of that. Remember I wasn’t studying in something really interesting. I told my friend that once I could have company with a disinteresting book days if I had to. But now even two hours it was not possible any more.
My friend kept encouraging me these days. Whenever I felt upset about myself due
to exterior factors, he helped me buoy up and strive forward. When I was in the
subway yesterday morning and got squeezed like sardines by the crowds, I was thinking of myself and life in general. I found whether I chose to be happy or not
really didn’t matter. No one would really care about it.
I could choose to live a miserable and depressing life and let those past downsides hinder me from moving forward. It was really my personal choice. The world wouldn’t become more whole or less than it was. And for that, I think I should really start to shoulder the responsibility for myself. I shouldn’t let a whit of failure or the feeling of incompetence bother me and drag me back to the vicious circle of negative thinking. Furthermore, I should be responsible for my friend, who is by my side all the time. It is not fair to let him be influenced unnecessarily by me.
In one’s life one dooms to have some moments, when everything suddenly goes wrong and when strings of happenings wretches you to the miserable. It is common after all. But then how you deal with it tells you from others. If you choose to
be subordinate and to be ruined, you may; otherwise, fight back and then leave all the “nay events” behind, walking along with a light heart facilitates you to work faster, steadier, and more importantly, farther.
Talking about the boredom of chaotic life, now I believe it is only temporary. I
will go for the exam, once and for all. And I will confront to the daily routines and not let them wear me out. When I read one article about failure and success yesterday, I was deep struck. It seemed it was the first time in my life that
I suddenly realized what failure or success meant. I am right in the intersection of them now. Move forward or backward, it is really up to my personal choice.
If I am indeed wise enough, it is time to prove it with actions.
