Hi folks,
Apparently a few girls on this forum have fallen in love with a Caucasian foreigner. I wish to offer my thought on this issue. I realize that I may be perceived as a devil’s advocate, but please, do hear me out.
From what I understand, cross race marriage is not for the faint of heart. There are always some boldly-flashing risk factors that cannot be ignored. So lovers beware!
The first factor to consider is communication. I can’t deny that the main reason a girl falls for a guy is because of his physical attraction. But it takes a lot more than sexy look to make a marriage last. Communication plays a main role in a good relationship. The ability to appreciate and adopt to each other’s culture and tradition is another obstacle that must be hurdled through.
I know a Laotian girl who married a white Canadian man. It was a typical love at first sight story. The relationship was nothing but sugary at first. The love and romance went on for a few years, and then they had a daughter, and that certainly created a strong bond between the couple. But then, gradually, they found themselves growing in distance, in separate direction.
The girl loves to cook Laotian food, but the guy hates it with a passion. The girl loves to go to Laotian party, to listen to Laotian folk songs and participate in Laotian traditional dance, the guy would much rather go to a football or hockey game or drink beer in front of a TV. He frowns when she invites her Laotian speaking friends and relatives over, and she simply refused to come out of her bedroom when his beer-guzzling buddies are doing square dance in the living room, telling English jokes that she doesn’t find funny. He loves racing car but she detests reckless driving so much she’d rather take the bus.
Communication is another big hurdle. She’s not capable of communicating fluently in English, while he can’t even embark in a simple conversation in Laotian. A lot of time she can’t express her feelings, concerns or worries adequately and his reaction is usually taken as indifferent or couldn’t care less. The gap between the couple gets wider as time goes by, and the relationship turns sour day by day. Somewhere near the end of their marriage, they simply don’t go out with each other, and the sweet talk is being replaced by bitter arguments. The marriage finally went down the tube. The last time I heard, he left town and moved down to San Jose, California with his young daughter, and she continues to seek and search for her second soul mate, but this time, from the local Laotian community.
Remember, feather of same color usually flock together, there is some truth to that. Perhaps that’s how it’s meant to be.
My cousin Tom, marries a Canadian born Japanese girl, and my cousin Henry, marries a blond Canadian girl. Their marriages seem to go on pretty well but that may be because they have one less thing to worry about, they all speak flawless English. Communication is not an issue here. But cultural differences still create clashes from time to time. Tom’s wife would not come to my aunt’s house for dinner because she can’t stand greasy Chinese food, and Tom is vice versa because he dislikes Japanese sushi. Henry came to Canada when he was four so he’s no different from any Canadian boy, but they still have problems. He’s all crazy about rice while she eats only mash potatoes. There’s always groan and sigh on dinner table. Are they having a good marriage? It sure looks that way on the outside, but I couldn’t help wondering whether their road to happiness is unnecessarily bumpier?
I also know a young Chinese descendant who married a Thai girl. Both only speak semi-fluent English and they have to rely on English to communicate. I often wonder whether they have a mean to share any deep thought and ideas, since it’s obvious that neither one can express such things in English? Can deep affection really be conveyed without language, but merely via physical intimacy? Great look and great sex can create good relationship, but can this relationship last when look withers and sex drive diminishes? Many of you must have read many great love stories of Qiong Yao, the famous Taiwanese novelist? I can’t imagine Qiong Yao writing gripping love stories without dialogs and verbal expressions that touch the soul. I can’t think of anything else that can undermine a relationship more than the lack of communication. It would take a miracle for a couple like this to grow old together, hand in hand. I can only pray.
If I were a girl, the notion of marrying a foreign man and move to an exotic land to start a new life is enough to make me cringe! Sure, love can blindfold you. As an old Chinese saying suggests, you follow a rooster if you marry a rooster, and you’re expected to hand over your whole life’s happiness to the man you marry. But to give up everything you ever own, all the life experiences you possessed throughout your life, in a familiar surrounding, all your language skills, and move to a totally strange country where you have no idea what awaits you, and without any recourse or at least a plan B to back you up, is no different from jumping off the plane without a parachute and simply hope for the best. Isn’t it prudent to at least think three times before taking the plunge?
Unless your future husband is making big bucks and can support the entire family financially, moving to a new country without knowing the language usually means you’ll have to engage in some low paid and highly laborious jobs. Life of a new immigrant can be very bitter and is usually much much harsher than you can ever imagine. I grew up in a dirt-poor immigrant family and I can still feel the sharp pain from my youthful yesteryears when I had to do back-breaking labor work in a restaurant, right after school, while all the white kids from rich family were playing hockey or going to the movies. No romance in the world can sustain the harsh reality of a new immigrant’s life. Quite a few janitors in my company are Chinese immigrants who used to be teacher, engineer, or business owner in China. These are the people who are feeling the pinch and making huge sacrifices for their second generation. When where to find the next meal is a major concern, you can sure witness how quickly money issues can smother the torch of romance.
One of my mentors in life once told me: “Don’t be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You can’t cross the chasm in two small jumps.” And one of my former bosses once said: “Life is a gamble, you can’t make a killing without taking big risk.” We all know that high risk high return is the golden rule in the investing world. However, Taking high risk can only be justified if you’ve weighed out the pros and cons and diligently performed the exercise of “Cost vs. Benefits” analysis. I am not a risk-averse person but I always forced myself to approach risks with great care.
And you should too, especially when your entire life’s happiness is on the line.
From the people I know, 50% of cross race marriage don’t work out at the end. The statistics is staggering and the reality can be even more stunning.
Am I suggesting that you should kiss your foreign boyfriend goodbye forever? No! I am merely trying to remind you that leading a life outside of your motherland can be shocking and sometimes unbelievably painful. There are many aspects to consider when making such a major decision. Mary has painstakingly drafted out a list of steps that you should check out in order to protect your own well-being. I am here to reveal the unromantic and sometimes ugly side of what foreign life may look like, for new immigrants, once you’re here, and the hurdles that any couple in a cross race marriage has to face.
If you feel that you would rather end your life than to depart from your foreign boyfriend, then by all means, pursue a married life abroad, as all else have become irrelevant. But if you’re a capable and vigilant adult, then you owe it to yourself, and your parents, to seek out all possibilities and derive a decision that is most appropriate for yourself, your folks and your mate.
Good luck and God bless!
Neil