A feeling of guilt
Death is one aspect in life that I find too painful and unbearable to face. Death is the end of a relationship, a bond, and an interaction. Death means permanent departure, it represents a point of no return, regardless of how much love, anguish and sorrow are left behind. The passing of my father on January 5, 2003 literally shattered my heart into a thousand tears. Even up to early spring of 2003, I was still constantly thinking and dreaming about my dad. The death of a loved one brings about a feeling of despair, and an agonizing pain so severe that it leaves a permanent wound in our hearts. Although I found some comfort in knowing that my dad no longer has to suffer from his illness, and that he was no longer in any pain, I can’t alleviate the feeling of grief and sorrow carrying on with life without his presence and guidance.
I also had a strong sense of guilt. I feel guilty because I wish I had done things differently if I were to be given a second chance. I wish I had visited my dad more than merely once a week, so that I can spend more time talking with him about my childhood, about his unrealized dreams, about his wishes, and have a chance to share his thoughts and wisdom about life. I wish I had taken him out to various restaurants, to try out various cuisines, to give him a chance to indulge
himself and savor all his favorite food. I wish I had taken him on different vacations, to visit the European continent, Greece, Australia, New Zealand and Japan, to give him a chance to see all the beautiful scenery in this world, before
moving on to the next. I wish I had at least once, held him tight and dear, and
told him how much I love him, how much I felt indebted to him for all the sacrifices he made and all the love and care he gave me throughout my life. Oh…How I
wish he has a chance to hear me say: “Dad, you will always, always be close to
my heart!”
I feel guilty because when I was young, I did not know how difficult it was for
money to come by, and always asked for new toys. My dad had to work so hard to provide for the family, and as a result, he did not have enough time to exercise
and maintain good health, which was a direct cause for his poor health after retirement. I feel guilty because when I was young, I was too naïve and spent
all my spare time seeking pleasure and enjoyment, not realizing that I could have spent more time helping my dad doing house chores. I failed to totally devote
myself to play out the role of a good son. I feel guilty because I spent too many long hours at work and missed the opportunity to be with him, to encourage and comfort him, while he was courageously struggling with pain and illness.
Now that my dad has gone forever, the only thing I can hang on is the fond memory of him. How I wish I can re-establish the link between us. How I wish I can reach out to the beyond and express all my deep affection toward my dad. I will always be proud to have such a father, and will forever remain thankful for what
he’d done for me throughout his life time. I have been dreaming about him very
frequently and in my dreams he once acknowledged how proud he was to have a son
like me. I hope he can understand how much I feel I owe him, and that I can only
repay him by doing my best to provide love and care to my next generation. The
regret and sorrow will always remain in my heart, I can only cherish my memory about my dad, and vow to be a good care giver and provider, to my mom and my family, as my dad once was.
Rest in peace, Daddy. I will always love you and always miss you.
